RamblingRonandRon

Becoming Grounded

2008-04-21T16:10:00.001-07:00

Been walking the place for the last few days and boy does it make a difference. After the hideous last two weeks I had at work, it is nice to be back. People couldnt have been more nasty and hateful and I came home in tears many nights ( remember I am a marshmallow ) . But lo and behold things have turned and the monkey has jumped off my back. And walking the place really grounds me and gets me back in synch with nature. Strange, but Rusty's presence is gone. There is actually a void. I was really hoping for some kind of sign from him, to let me know he is ok.

Almost time to start planting again. I have a lot of seeds for a moonlight garden which I think will be nice. Also I want to get Brandy's garden really nice this year. Not much more to say. How I met Your Mother comes on soon, and I really like that show. So I think I will go and get a shower and relax. This week should be warm and dry so maybe I will get a lot done in the yard.

Peace to all

Contentment

2008-04-19T16:00:00.000-07:00

Karen

Old Stone Farmhouses,
Walking along dry creek beds
Stopping to admire a rock, the limestone lining the banks
Talking non stop about everything, nothing
Being together in comforting silence

Sharing hopes and dreams
Our ideals comparing
we are two different beings,
yet the same

Horses, grazing in the summer sun
dogs running at our sides
cattle lowing gently to their calves
We walk the place
two friends

No one understands more
laughs along louder
offers her shoulder, her ears
her heart

No one means more to me
No one shares more with me
She is the friend I have prayed for
I pray that I can be all she needs in a friend too
Soul sisters

Love ya, my friend.

Mad at the World

2008-04-16T16:06:00.001-07:00

Thats right, so mad as a matter of fact that I really cant blog about it right now. I have already vented to my best bud Karen, and the steam is dissipating a bit, but I could smack someone (or quite a few someones, actually). Is it not bad enough that I have suffered with the stomach flu since Sunday and have spent more time in the bathroom in the last 4 days than I have all year? Well, it is all about work again, as always. I dont know whats wrong with me. I try to mind my own business and do my job well, and the bitches just pick at me anyway. Where is the justice in all that? I haven't done anything to them, and I AM doing my job, yet they are complaining and criticising and picking and now matter how much I try to avoid them and their drama, boom! they drag me in. Where is Karma? Here I have been trying to be all Taoist, and peaceful, and the universe seems to be shitting on me. Seems like the kinder, gentler Cindy is not working out. It is just causing people to see me as weak and to pick on me. So I guess since that is not working I best try a new strategy and start sticking up for myself. Problem is, how can I do this at work? First time I get nasty back at one of those harpes, for sure it will be me that gets into trouble. Seems like some of them are untouchable and can do and say anything and not have a care in the world. Let me complain and Oh-My-God, the world is at an end. Ok, so the world is not fair. And instead of feeling so hurt and frustrated over it I need to realize that there is nothing I can do about it and just accept it and let it go. I cant stop them from bugging me, so I just have to protect myself as best I can and become immune to it. I still have to have faith that the Universe will protect me and justice will be done, but it is really hard based on the things that happened today. It seemed like no matter what I said ( and it was the truth) it was obvious that they were doubtful that I was being honest. And nothing pisses me off more than having my integrity questioned. Jennifer actually (Oh no she di-int ! ) said she thought I came to her with my problem because I wanted to run and give her my side of the story before the evil KB told on me. How insulting is that? And even though I stated several times that that was not the case, she just shrugged her shoulders like she didn't believe me and didn't care. So what do you think about that?? See why I feel like I have been deserted by all that is good and fair? Ok, I have a great personal life. I mean besides the old dogs peeing up the place and keeping us up all night to be let out AFTER they have already peed, etc, etc. But really, except for work, life is great. Do you think that things will calm down and justice will prevail and I will be recognized for my strong work ethic and the bitches will either leave me alone or spontaneously combust? Time for a new attitude. Jennifer said she does not keep a score card. So I will keep one of my own. And we are not given performance reviews, or raises based on merit, so what am I concerned with anyway? Just so I am confident, thats all I can count on. And if I stop counting on people and giving them credit and respect, then I won't be so disappointed when things dont go fairly.
Anybody have a spell to banish bitches??

Rememberings

2008-04-08T15:42:00.000-07:00

Since I haven't blogged in, like, forever, now I will probably post more often. I am lying on my bed right now and it is in the 70's outside. The breeze is blowing through the window and the curtains are billowing. It smells fresh and green outside. Last weekend I got the house all clean and the patio washed down so it feels pretty good in here. 'Bout time. Chip and I have been taking Annie for walks around the pasture each evening and that is really nice for all of us. Tonight I said that I was glad we were having this great weather and that we need to remember this because the Winter was so bad this year that I was ready to pack up and move. But with this wonderful warm breeze coming through my window, those awful winter days seem so far away now.

Forgot to mention another great recent memory of Rusty: when Karen came over and we gave him a bath and he was such a fart because it felt so good. And then when we went to put him back in the pasture, he took off with me still holding the lead and pulled me halfway across the pasture. Funny, funny, boy. Hmmm.

Well, I have discovered how uncomfortable it is to lay on the bed and type, my shoulders are killing me.

Hellboy II is coming soon and I am really looking forward to it. I have been so pre-occupied lately that I haven't had much time for Ron Perlman stuff. Bad fan! But I do still love him. His birthday is in a few days. Happy Birthday, Ronnie.

So time to go fix dinner and enjoy this wonderful evening. I am planning a moonlight garden to place next to the patio so at night the flowers will glow in the moon light and smell wonderful. Isn't it amazing what a few nice days can to to improve ones mood and outlook? Peace and love to all.

Good Bye Old Friend

2008-04-07T08:08:00.000-07:00

Rest in Peace Rusty

We have been friends for a long time, grew up together actually. Twenty Five years. And boy do I have some memories. You lived a good, long life my friend. Thank God you went easy, just lay down and slept. We couldn't have asked for a better way. You will always be a part of me, we have shared so many things, learned a lot from one another. I will never forget our bareback races down the boulevard (what was I thinking!), the day not so long ago when you let Shawna, Shane and me ride you double, bareback and with just a halter. Your hoofbeats echo in my heart. You are loved, you are missed. Green Pastures, my friend.

Better times ahead

2008-02-29T16:28:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day of February, and , I am determined, the last day of "Hell". The weather is supposed to get better, the sun is going to shine and it will be warmer. The calf we were bottle feeding has died. How totally dehumanizing to have struggled to keep her alive, and to lose her. But I will not dwell on the negatives. This is the end of a long, hard, cold winter. Today is a new beginning. We are well, strong, healthy, loved, happy, prosperous, and successful. No looking back, only forward.
And with that, I am exhausted. Time to go and read and relax. Tomorrow is a new and wonderful day.

Blessings All

Hell-o

2008-02-24T07:52:00.001-08:00

It feels like its been quite a while since I have blogged. Things have been so busy and I just haven't been able to summon the energy to do much more than check email and The Perlman Pages, then off to cook, clean, feed the cows and to bed. Spring has to come soon. Plus, I thought that I was sick in 2006. Well, I was coming close to it here in '08. Today for some reason, I feel better and a lot more energetic, and less depressed. I guess now if I work through my issues at work I will be in pretty good shape if I can keep it up. Just keep it up, Cin. I want to try some yoga and see if that helps.

Karen is having some problems at Northgate too. Seems like things have gotten worse since I have gone and are now coming to a head. But Karen is strong and she can ride this out for as long as she needs to. I wish we lived closer and could see each other more often. She called me Friday night and I was pretty depressed and as soon as we started talking, I felt much better. It feels so good to be needed.

Yesterday was an AWFUL day. Chip had discovered a dead calf in the pasture on Friday and we knew we had to deal with it Saturday, but we werent prepared for what we found when we got there. I walked out to look at the body and the cow was acting really weird so I followed her into the shed where there was another dead calf. Holy crap. So we figured twins. Then we heard some bawling and there was another newborn calf, looking for her mother. So we got them all in the barn and did a head count. Michaela was the live calfs mother so we got them into a stall, but Micky had no milk and baby was hungry. Katie was missing, so I went looking for her while Chip fed. I found her in the woods with another dead newborn calf! Ok, something is very wrong here. These were all full term calfs, big and fully formed looking. So three dead, one live. I was afraid to even hope this one would survive. But we got some colostorum and bottle fed her last night and bedded her down. And miracle of miracles, she was on her feet and bawling up a storm this morning. Chip got her to drink nearly a whole bottle and she was trying to nurse on her mother. She was batting at her bag and sucking at her legs, so she is getting the idea. Now Micky just needs to let her milk down and feed that girl herself.

So we are doing ok for now and hopefully for good. My spirits have lifted and I think I will actually do some stretches today.

So time to go and get this day started. Now lets hope that I can work out this stupid block I have about work, and start ignoring the bad and enjoying the good. Mind over matter...if you don't mind, it don't matter.

Blessings to all.

Whoops!

2008-02-10T07:45:00.000-08:00

This was a much better week all around. The weather was warmer, we even had some thunderstorms. And even though the flu is still raging, I am not getting as sick as I was the first time. ( this is the third time in 2 months I have had it to some degree). Everyone at work just keeps passing it from one to the other.

Speaking of work, I went to lunch with Gina on Friday. Usually I just hang out in the visiting Judges chambers and eat and read, but Gina asked if I wanted to go to the diner so I said sure. We were sitting there and chatting and I told her that I had got in trouble at work and she wanted to know all about it so I was giving her the facts. You know, how I was trying to show initiative since I wasnt being trained and was feeling pressure to get up to speed and pull my own weight. Told her that my personality dictates that I do my very best and contribute and want to be recognized as a good employee and valued, blah blah blah. So anyway, she was unbelieving that ( you know who ) would actually get mad at me and berate me for trying to learn and move ahead. I told her that it broke my heart because I was not trying to step on anyones toes, or break any rules or policies, or anything like that, just wanted to do my job. I would never deliberately do anything I knew was wrong. And that it ruined my whole weekend last week. And it was funny, because before I told her I scanned the resturaunt to be sure (you know who) was not in there. So just as I was finishing my story and Gina was giving me the required amount of sympathy and support for my actions, the people in the booth behind us got up and I realized it was Judge Kessler sitting there the whole time! Yikes! Good damn thing that I didnt name any names or say anything bad or negative. Gulp! "Hi Judge!" Gina and I got a good laugh about that.

And really not much is new. I got this book from the library about finding out who you can trust and who you cant in work and life, and it looked really interesting. I havent really gotten much into it yet, just a few pages, but it really got me to thinking. I honestly dont trust anyone I work with now. I mean, not that they are bad people or anything, but they just dont give me that feeling like I can tell them a secret and know it will stay secret. And I have to carefully watch what I say because I have seen other people talking about stuff and it not being kept in confidence. I hate when you are in that position because then you feel like they might think you are the one who told. I am trying to stay out of those conversations because they always bite you in the butt. And sometimes you just need to blow off some steam. But I have already been in trouble for mentioning that I was frustrated that I didnt know how to do things. It got all turned around like I was complaining that I wasnt getting trained and was shooting down my boss. Which was not the case at all. I was just saying that I wanted to be able to help out more and felt like I wasnt doing my share. But it got blown out of context. So Now I am afraid to say much of anything. Back to being a loner. But Karen is really the only person I can talk to and trust. I know she wont ever betray me ( I hope not ). Sometimes it scares me that I feel so close to her because I am afraid she doesnt feel the same way. Especially since we dont work together every day. But, I feel how I feel and it is a good and honest feeling.

I clicked with Raka in much the same way, but sadly, we have drifted apart. She was someone I could confide in as well. But our busy lives got in between, and harsh words widened the gap. I guess what I am trying to say is that even though we have had a parting ( I truly believe it was a misunderstanding on both our parts) I will always love and remember her as a special friend. She is in my thoughts often and I speak of her often as well to people I know who I have shared our friendship with and still ask "so how is your friend from India?" So Raka, if you see this, know how much you mean to me and always will.

There. My two special friends.

So, Chip just came in and asked me to bake him a chocolate cake. Sure cure for the flu, dont you think?

Love to all
Harm ye none

RIP Ruth and Clara

2008-02-01T18:51:00.000-08:00

Two good cows,, thats what you were. Ruth, you were the first calf I ever watched get born, and you were the sweetest most loving cow we have ever had. As I stood over your body and said my goodbyes and gave the traditional "revolving door" speech, it occured to me that I needed to tell you more than that. My life has been blessed with a once in a lifetime dog, and now also, a once in a lifetime cow. You were a good friend. God Speed on your journey. Clara, you were the oldest cow ever, and yet every year, when we felt that surely you would never have another calf at your age, you surprised us. Three times with twins!!!! Yes, certainly you deserve the award for most productive cow ever. We had decided to retire you and let you live out your days on the farm with your friends and family, yet you continued to reward us. You were well worth the extra grain that we snuck you as treats. And I am so glad we put you out into the barnyard this winter with your calf so you could eat all the hay you wanted and sleep in the warm barn every night. Thank you, dear friend.

So to both of you, may you find yourselves in a great green field with the finest lushest most delicious grasses, sweetest water flowing through the most beautiful creek, and all of your departed friends and family welcoming you home. And someday we will meet again.

Thank God for friends. Karen sent me the most hilarious email and it just hit the right spot. I must have done something right to have been blessed with her friendship.

Work was absolutely horrible today and I have to admit that I am unhappy right now and struggling with these feelings. This is a good job with great benefits and I cannot allow someone to run me out. And I am most dissappointed in my reactions to this person and how I have allowed her to upset me. I need to be stronger and not take things so seriously and personally. People do things for their own reasons. How, oh how, can I get over this and stop fearing getting in trouble and being so emotional?

Well, Karma. And a voodoo doll here and there couldn't hurt.

Terrible, Horrible Day

2008-01-31T17:25:00.000-08:00

Yes, it sounds like the title of some funny little kids book, but this has truly been one of the worst days of my life. I have not felt this bad and depressed in a long time and it has really got me down. Ruthie has died finally. After 3 days of wondering if she would survive and hoping, and trying so hard to help her, she has moved on. And tonight, while prepared for her death, we were not prepared to find Clara in much the same condition. She was laying in the mud, stuck, next to Ruth's lifeless body. What now? We got a rope around her and pulled her out of the mud, but we had to flip her to her other side to try to free her ( she weighs about 1/2 ton ) and then had to flip her back because we couldnt move her the other way. Then we got the rope around her two fromt legs and pulled her from the muck onto dry ground. Chip pulled with the tractor and I tried to hold her head up off the ground as we moved. We freed her and I stayed with her while Chip went for hay and she tried to get up but her front legs were sore. We got her some feed and by the time she was done eating she was able to stand again, so it is up to her to walk out of there and keep on going.

Trouble is , I dont know if I have the strength to keep going right now. I know I sound weak, but this is how I truly feel. Work today was entirely frustrating and stressful. My emerald ring broke. The toilet and bathtub are not working well. The vacuum is not working. All the light bulbs are burning out at once. We have been sick, the dogs have been sick. The cows are dying. I feel so out of control. I just dont have the strength to keep going. It is like being stuck in the mud ourselves and every time we try to get out, someone puts their foot on our head and pushes us down further.

I am so glad that Chip and I have each other. And also Karen. There are only three people in this whole world that I can pour my heart out to and trust with that: Chip, Karen and Raka. I miss Raka.

This is one of those days where I am really tempted to just bolt and run. Get in the car with the clothes on my back and go. Does anyone love me? Does anyone care?? Has someone placed some kind of curse on me? What have I done that would cause me to deserve such treatment? I have always tried to be a good person and live with love and kindness. I would never, ever deliberately try to hurt anyone, for any reason. All I want is to be happy and to make others happy and to live a peaceful life. I know that some people have it really rough, and that I really dont have any excuse to complain, but I am really down right now, and things just dont look brighter at this moment. I can see how people can be suicidal. What an awful, dark place it is.

So, in my gloom I am going to curl up under a blanket and cry. I know that tears are not going to change anything, not going to solve anything. You may think I am weak and childish. But I have no strength left to fight any longer. Rather than resist and push, it is time to relinquish power and just allow. Yeah, I have been reading Wayne Dyer.

So dear people, may the Universe bless you all with happiness and health and good fortune. And if possible, put in a good word for me would you?

Nuthin to Say

2008-01-27T16:09:00.000-08:00

Well, just got done emailing Karen and I guess I told her everything that was on my mind, so now I have no desire to repeat it here in this blog. Hah. We went to a bathroom design place and got some specs on some neat fixtures. I hope we can get our new bathrooms done. Have been feeling punky the last few days. Anyway, thats all to say. Am feeling tired so I think I will go relax. Love to all and I hope everyone is happy and healthy.

Brandy

2008-01-24T15:36:00.000-08:00

There is something to say about crying outside when it is 5 degrees out. Your nose is all red and runny anyway so no one knows, 'cept that the tears freeze to your cheeks. It has been two years since Brandy left us to continue her journey. The years have flown by and there are times that I still feel her presence here. She will always be loved and never be forgotten. Seems appropriate to reprint part of my poem to her, Fields of Gold:

But you go ahead
go along on your journey
follow your path
but dont ever forget me

and we will meet again, my friend
when destinies unfold
and together we will run again
upon the fields of gold.

Annie has not been feeling well and we took her to the vet today. I had begun to feel a sort of panic, worried sick about her but she is going to be fine. Matter of fact, she most likely got sick from the vets anyway, when she was in to be spayed two weeks ago. Well, as long as she is doing better, thats what matters. Last night Chip was saying that she was finding her way into his heart and , darn her anyway, he was falling in love with her. I feel the same. She is not Brandy, but she is Annie. She has identified herself in my heart. Sure, I will always love Brandy, and certainly, she is my once in a lifetime dog. But Annie is earning a distinction of her own. Its all good.

I am looking forward to Spring and being able to work in the garden. Since I didnt do much at all last year due to the drought, I would like to really have a nice garden and patio so we can enjoy the outdoors. It has been a rough month so far, weather wise, health wise and money wise. Seems like we are spending lots of money. I really need to get in shape again and that would help me to feel better. When it warms up maybe I can go walking at work and then again in the evenings with Annie and Chip.

There is so much I want to do, and at the moment I have very little energy. Yup, I am lazy. Maybe I can lose some weight and get a little more active and get more accomplished.

So happy anniversary, dear Bran. You will never be forgotten. Love with all my heart.

The Quest For Wisdom

2008-01-20T08:33:00.000-08:00

Boy, it certainly is difficult to put your thoughts in writing. As I have mentioned several times, I have these ideas in my head and they seem brilliant, the words like symphanies, but when I go to write them down, phoosh!, they are gone. Maybe they are not meant to be voiced anyway.

It seems that I am realizing some sort of thing in myself that makes me feel calm and centered and wiser. I am actually rationalizing my emotions and telling myself that other people's behaviors cannot affect me if I dont allow them to. Yes, its hard not to get drawn into everyone elses little dramas, but it is a great feeling to know you have avoided them and are more grounded for it. The things "Suzy So-and -So" say to me in the spirit of meanness or aggression, dont affect me in the same way anymore. I realize that she is trying to enforce her own perceived authority and that she is grasping for some psychological reason of her own. Let her be. I am in control of my own thoughts and emotions ( I still need lots of work on that though) and no one has the power to upset me with their words unless I allow them to. It isnt too hard to realize what is going on if you calm your mind and listen to your soul. And of course you are going to meet with lots of opposition and resistance from your less enlightened peers. Because its fun to gossip and complain and its really hard not to join in to the fray and give a piece of your own mind. Ah, but that is my task. I try and fail often, but it is a great feeling when you can walk away from a conversation along those lines without contributing your own poison. If I realize and understand that each person has their own agenda and reasons for their beliefs and feelings, it is easier to know that it is not personal. If they snap at me or try to exert their superiority over me, it is not about me, rather it is their quest. Some will win, some will fail, some wont even care about it or realize that they have a choice. But if you treat me badly because you have a need to be better than me or in a higher or more favored position than me, that is your psyche driving you and has nothing really to do with me. I try not to allow my ego to interfere. This is hard sometimes because it is such a natural, ingrained instinct we are cultivated to believe in. But why , exactly do I need to be better than anyone else? Am I a better person if I have a better title at work, or more authority, or grew up in a better area or live in a nicer house? Does that really mean that I am greater, more loved by the Universe, better than you? No, of course not. We are all equal and we are all connected. You may be the owner of a business and be my boss, but that only means you have chosen a different path than I have, and for reasons of your own. I try not to judge people by their positions and possessions. You may think you are better because you drive a Mercedes, but are you any better of a soul than anyone else who must walk to work each day? It makes some people feel in control and better about themselves if they can belittle others and be the "alpha" figure. If that is what it takes to make them happy, so be it. But we do not have to allow them to make us feel less about our own self worth. Just let them have their ideas, and continue with your own. It is hard sometimes because your ego wants to fight back, to prove your won worth and greatness. Is this really necessary though? Does it make any difference if so and so thinks you are good? Or is it more important what you know about your own self. I have consciously chosen to try ( I emphasize "try") to block my ego from entering the equation. When so and so was announcing how great she is because of her riding ability and background I was really tempted to chime in and profess my own greatness as a way of competing with her, but I didnt (mostly because she wouldnt let anyone get a word in edgewise) and I feel better for it. Oh there I go ......

Love and patience to you all :)

Working For The Weekend

2008-01-18T17:43:00.000-08:00

This was quite a week, really. This weekend is going to be very very cold and so I got lots of goodies at the store and some movies from the library and Netflix and hope we can get the cows and horses fed and bedded down and settle in ourselves for a lazy couple of days. Really looking forward to it. It seems like the best weekends are either the cold snowy or rainy ones, or the warm breezy spring ones where you can open all the windows and let in the fresh air and sunshine. It makes the house feel and smell so clean. Plus, I get to see Karen on Monday, which I am very excited about.

Have been reading that Wayne Dyer book and really can feel my attitude changing. Things really do change when you change the way you look at them. I have been able to be more patient and loving and accepting of others. And, where it used to really bother me about what others opinions are of me, now I can feel myself relaxing about that a bit and saying to myself, "Who cares? I am who I am and if they dont like it, tough". I really hope to be able to break through my blocks and become a better person. I hate how I am so sensitive and how I worry so much about wether or not others approve of me. You know, it doesnt matter, because I am happy with who I am. See how well this book is working on me? And I am not even a quarter way through it. If you get a chance, go check out this book "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life".

I love my laptop, but it is a little uncomfortable. I must sit funny with it and my back and hands get sore. But it is great to sit in the living room next to Chip and just type away. Much nicer than being all alone in the office. Maybe I will start to write.

So this is going to be a nice long weekend. I will get the house all cleaned up and we can relax and chill. Plus I want to read some more. It is really satisfying to read a good book and truly be able to apply it and enjoy it.

Well, heres wishing everyone a wonderful night!

Deep Thoughts

2008-01-16T15:19:00.000-08:00

Here we are. I am reading a new book by Wayne Dyer and it is quite good. This one is called "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life". Funny because I saw it on the shelf at the library on a Friday and thought I ought to check it out but was in a hurry so I didnt . Then his show of the same name was on PBS on Sunday so I knew I had to read it. Now I think I will actually purchase the book as well. It is a good one to have for reference, one of those you will read again and again.

Work has been strange this week. I have learned a lot about people and their personalities. Sadly, the people have sucky personalities. One in particular is a cruel narcissist.

Its all about her. But there are some really interesting people too. Today the other Cindy, Anita and I were discussing the UFO sighting in Texas and got into a really interesting conversation about other phenomena. It was an exciting discussion and you could tell that we were all into it. It was nice to share and talk. Anyway, after reading this new book, I am feeling a little stronger about my own sense of self. I know that I dont need anyone elses approval to validate myself. Other peoples opinion of me is of no consequence to my life and happiness. If I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing, that is all that I need to be concerned about. Its kind of hard too. Some issues from my childhood are trying to get my attention lately and I find myself becoming upset with my mother for pushing me and dominating me as a child. But in reality, she only did what she knew best, and I really dont believe that there was any malice involved. Admittedly, I am the person I am partly because she was the way she was. But that is all done and gone and we are in the here and now. I am in control of my life, my thoughts and actions.

Oh well, no good to hash over it now. She is not going to change. I can only change the way I react and the way I allow things to affect me. Anyway, people at work have got on my nerves this week and that is why I am reflecting on all of these issues now. And, I guess I need to shut up now.

Talked to Karen today and we have lunch plans for Monday. I can't wait to see her again. There is so much to talk about. I miss her so much and it is hard not to get to talk every day. As miserable as that place was, she made it bearable.

Hoping to go see In The Name of The King soon too. It is not getting very good reviews, but hey, Ron Perlman is in it and that is all that is important. Any bad movie with Ron Perlman in it is better than a good movie without him.

Love to all

Thinking of something to say

2008-01-12T14:00:00.000-08:00

Seems like lately I have just not had the energy to blog. Its not that there is absolutely nothing going on in my life, just that I dont feel like writing anything. Which is good in a way because usually I write when I am sad, or feeling strongly about something and really life has been quite content lately. Plus for some reason I have been just too tired at the end of the day.

At work I have discovered that you can trust no one. This comes from someone telling me and another person something private, and the next day that other person told someone else, who then promptly told me not to believe what I had heard. SIGH. At least at Northgate, I knew that what was said between Karen and me stayed between us. She is like my lifeline. I truly believe that I could pour out my soul to her and she would protect it with all her heart. No matter how bad work was, we had each other. Now I am stuck knowing for certain that I have to be very careful what I say to anyone else my words get twisted and misused.

I will be getting a 3% raise in a few months. It seems that each year we all get the same raise. This means we all get one regardless of how good we do or how badly we do at our jobs. In a way this sucks, because I was always working extra hard to get noticed and appreciated and really here that wont make any difference. If my paycheck isnt going to be rewarded for my hard work, then it doesnt seem quite worth killing myself to be the best. And on the other hand, it is really good for me because I can learn to chill out and not give so much of myself. Save some of myself for Chip and home. Of course, I will still do my best because that is part of my personality, but I dont have to be so obsessed with it or about what others think of me. Hell, this may be the perfect job.

I find I am liking Amy best of all my coworkers. She is upbeat and kind of a trouble maker. She makes me laugh sometimes, where the others are just so doom and gloom. But it is not the same as me and Karen. She is the only person I can share all of my thoughts with. I never have to be reserved with her, or worry that what I say will get into the wrong ears. And I miss our burping!

Annie got spayed on Thursday and she has fully recovered now. She was a bit groggy and sick on Thursday and sleepy on Friday, but today she is flying around the house and playing just like normal. What a sweetie. I wonder if Brandy is in there somewhere after all?

In The Name of The King is out in theaters today. I really want to go. Ron Perlman on the big screen, Yay! We will see. I cleaned the house all day today, and did the farm tax prep. So I am really tired and just want to sit and read a little. I was even too tired to blog last night. But with my laptop running again I really hope to get in more writing time.

Thats the other thing... at work, even if you take on a new position, your salary is the same, so why even take on more responsibility? I dont want to sound like I am copping out or anything, just that there is not much incentive to do well or widen your horizons if you are not going to get anything extra. The only reason to do well is for your own personal satisfaction. This should really take a load off. Oh, but I already mentioned that a few paragraphs ago.

Well, I think I have earned a few minutes on the couch.

Love, Peace, Health and Happiness to all.

This Witch Was Insane!

2008-01-04T16:38:00.000-08:00

Yeah, well I toned it down a little for my more sensitive readers :) Heres the story..
Wednesday this secretary from a lawyers office ( I have half a mind to actually identify her and post her phone number ) calls and she is all hot and bothered saying that on Friday ( before the New Year long holiday weekend) her runner stopped by with a motion to be checked and that we told her that we absolutely refuse to check it because we are so backed up with the holidays. Well, first of all that did not happen because there were only three of us all day and I know no one told her that. So then she started grumbling about how unconstitutional it is for us to require her to have the motion be checked, she should just be able to file it. Well, too bad for her. Court rules and all. So she huffs and puffs and keeps trying to bully me on the phone and "J" was sitting right there next to me so I was relaying everything this psycho said to her. And J was telling me what to tell the woman. I reiterated the rules several times and she proceeded to tell me that those rules are "total crap" and just "who made up these rules!?" And I told her the judge did. That didnt really stop her much, and she continued her tirade at me , asking " well in your opinion, dont YOU think these rules are stupid" And I told her that no, those were the rules. And she kept badgering me to tell her what my opinion was, not what I was just supposed to tell her and I said again that no, they are the rules and I am just doing my job. I mean, what did she expect? Was I supposed to appease her by saying that the rules were dumb? Hell, thats my job there. After a bit I again told her what she needed to do to get her motion checked and got her number and told her that J would give her a call and discuss it. Well, J didnt have time to call that day ( it was almost time to close when witchy woman called) and to tell you the truth, I forgot all about it the next day. So I am going about my business and another runner calls asking if the moiton in question is ready to pick up. I looked in the system and saw that it had not yet been checked and told her so and she informed me that someone had called (witchy woman) at 5:00 the night before and told her that it was taken care of and ready to file. So I am all confused and think that maybe J took care of it and I asked her and she said no, she didnt call anyone nor did she do anything with the motion. Then when I tried to find the paperwork, it was missing (the plot thickens). So we go on a mad scrambe to try to find the paperwork that is lost and think, Oh God, this is not going to make (witchy woman) happy. The runner comes in, we tell her whats goin on and J asks for another copy of it to get faxed so she will take care of it. So runner gets on the phone with WW and they go at it and J gives instructions as to what needs done and WW is going to fax the papers to us. A few minutes later I get a call from - guess who?? Oh yeah, WW herself. "oh, Cindy" she says " you called me last night and told me you had taken care of that motion and had filed it for me. Dont you remember?" And I said no, I did not call her and tell her that. So she said louder and meaner " Do you mean to tell me that you are saying that you DIDNT call me last night and tell me ....." And I said "No, I DID NOT call you last night. She said "I DISAGREE" and called me a lier!!!!! Aughhhhhh!!!!! At that same moment the attorney herself got on speakerphone and started in on me. OHHH NOOO!! No way! So I told them they could just hold and I would let them speak to my supervisor. So J gets on the phone and starts fighting with them and they are calling me liar and all kinds of things. ( BAD Karma, Bad, bad Karma) And J is sticking up for me and finally she gets tired of their crap and tries to give them to her supervisor but they would have none of that so she just put them on hold. I was furious, and pacing because J was in my chair so she said "Cindy! take a walk" and I walked out of the office and tromped arouns the hall wher one of the magistrates asked what was up and I told him and he was very sympathetic. I was just coming back when J walked out of her office and said, "come on, lets take a walk" She was so furious herself that she needed to blow off some steam too. So what happened is she got tired of the abuse from these nut jobs and gave the phone to Judge. Well, Judge let them have it big time, and on the record too. ( I want a copy of that recording ) She and J totally defended me and she let these people know that in no uncertain terms are they to EVER treat one of her staff that way. Phew. SO I was truly vindicated and now looking back it is all quite amusing, but I was really offended that this witch was questioning my integrity. But it all woarked out in my favor and I am really glad that they stuck up for me. Being new it would be easy for them to not believe me, but that shows that they do. I know, I know, no big deal. But at the time I could have throttled that psycho witch.

And other than that, the week was ok. My laundry room is totally redone and looks great. It feels so nice in there now when I do laundry.

And we got a sleep number bed. It was delivered on New Years Day. It is really nice and comfy and today for the first time n a long time I woke up early and was actually thinking about getting up and exercising. But I went back to sleep anyway :)

So that is all the boring news I have for today. I hope my power cord for my laptop comes in so I can use it again. Hope all of you had a great New Years and are having a wonderful week. Lotsa love to all.

Hooray!

2007-12-28T18:25:00.000-08:00

Ah,yes, the beginning of another long weekend. I am so looking forward to this. First, my to do list: CLEAN THE HOUSE. Not that it's a pig sty or anything, just that after oh, say, 5 minutes or so, the animals seem to make a new mess for me to clean up. So I think I will clean the carpets really well, and get some garbage out of the basement. And clean the patio. Sucks, because until Spring, I really cant do much in the yard and gardens. And we need to plant some grass, since there is so much mud around here all of a sudden. But a gal can dream cant she?

Speaking of dreams, I had one about Ron Perlman last night. Nothing spectacular, but I was interviewing him and he was being really nice. I love happy dreams.

I was talking with a bailiff at work today, he told me he has voodoo dolls and they really work. I asked where he got them and he told me he made them himself. Creepy. Hope he doesnt have one of me. But this can be an interesting conversation some day when work is not busy.I love weird things and crazy stuff.

Am reading The Four Agreements again. It is quite a good book, written very simply - almost like a childrens book, and very easy to read and comprehend. Makes sense to me. It is really hard to practice though because of the influence of the outside world. We are constantly surrounded by people trying to drag us into the crap heap and it is hard to avoid. Ah, well. Part of the journey.

Does anyone have any good books they can recommend? I am looking for some good reading, be it Fiction or non fiction.

Tis getting late and I think I will retire for the evening. Now that I have my laptop, I hope to blog more often. The days have been so incredibly busy and there has been so much to do lately, but I hope to get lots done. Mainly keep the house in order and get my grocery and meal lists organized and work on my spiritual development, and work on my physical fitness.

So, goodnight blog, Sweet dreams.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

2007-12-25T17:06:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone! Here's hoping that everyone is having a truly joyful holiday.

This has been a really wonderful long weekend. Chip has been working so hard on the laundry room and I feel so guilty that he has spent most of the weekend in the basement trying to make a nice place for me. And truly, I appreciate him so much. He is the most wonderful man in the world. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And by the way, this post is coming from my new Christmas present - a laptop! I have been saving for one for a while and Chip said to get one as a gift from him. It takes some getting used to and there is so much to learn, but I am really enjoying it.

Saturday was such a beautiful day, sunny, breezy and 60 degrees. If every day could be like that, wouldn't this be a wonderful place? Ah, but life is wonderful anyway.

Mom and dad came over for dinner tonight and thank goodness I poured myself a rum and coke before they got here and another after they arrived. My mom made some derogatory comment about something and I just poured a big swig of Southern Comfort into my coke and said " well, in a few minutes it wont matter". It seemed so funny at the time. Ah, the things we must endure sometimes in the name of family. And last night the kids came over and Annie was such a sweetheart. She settled down pretty quickly and was all cuddly with Syd and Mason and she was such a cutie. Ah, maybe Brandy is in there somewhere after all.

Well, its getting late and I am really worn out. Family makes you insane and exhausted.

Hope that Santa was good to you all and also that everyone honors the true reason for this holiday. Love Peace Joy and Happiness to all !

Great Day

2007-12-23T07:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was such a wonderful day. It was close to 60 degrees and the sun was out and it felt more like Spring than the first day of Winter. Chip worked on th plumbing in the laundry room all day to get the washer and new sink in order and today I should be able to do laundry! YAY! It is one of those things that you really dont know how much you appreciate it until you dont have a working washer. So I will be doing laundry all day.

Yesterday I spent the whole day cleaning. The patio is clean, the sidewalk is clean and hosed off, and I pulled all the furniture away from the walls and vacuumed and dusted and wiped down the walls and baseboards. And I spent a good bit of time cleaning out the barn (turd tossing).

So really not much more to report. Still have some cleaning to do and must go to the grocery for some things, but it is a great feeling to not have to rush. Prudy is coming over tomorrow and my mom and dad are coming over on Tuesday, so I get to entertain two days in a row. But it will be a short week and another long weekend coming up so that is somehing to look forward to.

There was an article in a magazine that said that bloggers are all narcissistic, and when you think of it , I do write mostly about myself and my personal thoughts. But, hey, this is my diary of sorts and it is my record of things to remember. It is kind of nice to go back to past posts and see how I have evolved as a person in just the short time I have been blogging. It lets you know that we are continually growing and evolving. And its better than a self help book or expensive therapy. And I do get the occasional comment and an opportunity to meet other bloggers and make friends. I have met some people through blogging who have really touched my life.

Chip just came in and commented on my blogging. Perfect timing, dear. He said it is strange to write the miniscule details of my life, but he guesses that that is what most people are doing. And he also reminded me that we do not live the normal life as most people know it. Most of you dont have all this mud and poop and crazy animals doing crazy things. This is my way of keeping sane. Though really I do believe that I am a bit insane. Just joking.

I have kind of dropped off the Ron Perlman thing lately. There hasn't been anything exciting on ebay, and his new movies haven't been released yet. In The Name Of The King will be out in a couple of weeks and I am hoping it will come out here so we can see it at the theatre. Of course I still dream of meeting him, but am afraid that after that, what then? Its as much about the journey as the destination.

But anyway, dear blog, my mood is so much better since Friday. Here all last week I was depressed and unhappy, feeling out of control, and now things seem to be falling into place again. This is why I blog. To remind myself that even in the darkness, the light is on its way. And I found a dime yesterday, which I choose to believe is a sign from my angels that they are thinking about me.

So I hope that you all are having a wonderful Holiday season, full of love and joy.

Ho Ho Ho

2007-12-21T16:44:00.000-08:00

This has been a really crazy week let me tell you. First I have to say that today was the best day of the week at work and I came home feeling very positive about my job again and then Chip got home from his company Christmas party with lots of surprises for me. See, my washing machine pooped out on us 3 weeks ago and believe me it was total chaos for me, who likes to have everything in order and under control. The first week I took the laundry to my moms, but that was really stressful. The second week we went to the laundromat which was yucky when you are used to having your own laundry room and equipment and then you have to sit in this cold dirty building with a bunch of strangers and look at each others underwear going in and out of the washers. Then last night I just filled the bathtub with hot water and Tide and washed the clothes in there, and that was more work than I had anticipated. But today, ladies and gentlemen, the part came. This would be the second part we ordered, to the tune of $165.00. The first part was $141.00 and did not fix the problem so we had to hold our breath that this one would work. Well, I am getting ahead of myself because I didnt know about the part coming and had just got home and checked my email to see if Karen had mailed me and then Chip got home so I went to see how his day went. He was dragging a big box into the basement and when he saw me he said that it was my Christmas present. It was a nice stationary tub. Ours is really old and nasty and rusted and it leaked so he just up and bought a new one. Plus it has a storage cabinet with it so I have extra storage ( a plus for an obsessive organizer ) . So I was already really happy and then he told me that the part had come in and then told me that he had installed it and THE WASHER NOW WORKS !!!! Yay!! I am so delighted. And thats not all... He also brought home a ham, a box of candy, and a bonus check!! Merry Christmas! And here all week I had been feeling like the world hated me. My husband is the greatest!

So all week work has been stressful and its been hard for me. The girls are acting funny and like they dissapprove of my methods for customer service. Hey, I AM a certified customer service specialist, thank you very much. But one of my coworkers ( who shall not be named) kept shaking her head and "tsk-tsking" me when I was helping a man on the phone who was being extremely friendly and was thanking me for all my help and wishing me a Merry Christmas. And of course I was so pleased that he was so appreciative and it made me feel valuable and then she had to go and tell me that I am TOO helpful. She acted really put off that I was trying so hard to help and like she was mad at me. So my feelings were really hurt and after two days of this I was in tears. So I did what any smart and desperate woman would do, I called Karen. And my wonderful Karen took the time to hear me out and let me "cry on her shoulder" over the phone and pep talked me back to sanity. I felt much better after that.

Its scary to say, but in the short time I have known her, Karen has become the best friend I have ever had. The scary part is being afraid that she doesnt feel the same way. And even though we dont see each other every day like we used to, we email nearly every day and I try to give her a call every so often at work and I hope we can get together a lot and scrapbook and ride the horses. But we clicked so well and so fast. I have never felt this way about a friend before. I have read books where women talk about their friends and wondered, "how can that possibly be? How can they be so close?" but Karen and I talk about everything. Stuff that I thought only my weird mind could conjure, you know, poop and stuff.

And today, J was back and stayed in the office with us and it was just me and A and her. I am using just initials because J is highly paranoid of the internet and out of respect for her feelings I will not identify her. But most all of the people I delt with were nice and friendly and a bunch of them complimented me on how helpful I was. (So there, co workers! ) And I just felt so much better. Plus I did some new things on my own today and I felt like I had come into my own, gotten my sea legs so to speak. Yeah, I am learning and I can do it. J even said that I am her after court work "pro". That made me smile too.

Well, its getting late so I must go and relax a bit. It has been a truly wonderful day and I am feeling high and happy and content. I cant wait to get my laundry room all cleaned up. By the way, today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Rejoice!

Blessings to all, and safe and happy holidays. We are all connected. Share the love.

Wonna Those Weeks

2007-12-07T18:46:00.000-08:00

This week seemed to last forever! Thank goodness the calves loaded up nicely and we got them out of here. We have had snow and nasty weather for the last three days and it is supposed to continue raining thru the weekend. Work went from truly frustrating to thoroughly satisfying. First, I havent been trained in much yet because it has been so busy and J. has so many other things to do. Besides, there has been plenty of after court work for me to process, so at least I am working hard and getting stuff done. Chip keeps reminding me that it is not my fault that I cant do everything just yet and to be patient. I am still pulling my share of the weight. And today I was able to answer lots of questions and get lots done, so I feel really good.

Its late and I am tired and have laundry to fold. Had to go to my parents house to do the wash since my wash machine pooped out on me. Hopefully the parts will come soon.

So, I think I am going to take my aching back and rest a bit before bedtime. I am really excited because Karen and I are going shopping this weekend. I cant wait. It has been two months since I have seen her and I am really looking forward to it. I hope she is excited to see me too.

Well, Blessings to you all.

Friendship

2007-12-03T17:28:00.000-08:00

From The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you to come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay".
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
for what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

By Dose is Stupped Up

2007-11-30T17:28:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I have a cold. And it was miserable for the beginning of the week too. Here we had this great 4 day weekend and I was sick. And I mean I was in bed all day Saturday. What a bummer. So then I go to work and I am hacking and sniffling and coughing. How miserable. And we had a bit of a meltdown on Tuesday morning what with wanting to get the calves out of here and the pressures of bad weather, lack of hay, old dogs to take care of and etc, etc. So when I got to work I felt all stressed and teary. Jennifer asked me what was wrong and as I was telling her, my eyes teared up and she felt bad so she took me in her office and gave me a tissue. I was laughing, too, because I was embarrassed to be looking so foolish in front of my boss, but she was really cool about it. I mean , she has kids, she knows what its like.

I am hoping to learn a lot more at work, because I am feeling lost at times since there is so much I cant do yet. But I know they will train me, just to be patient. And I have already picked up on a lot of things just by being in the office and can answer a good number of the questions I get. I just need to keep reminding myself that it takes time to learn these things and I have always done it before. I think that when I remind myself of that, it helps. A lot of it is attitude, and maybe I need to adopt a little different one, like less self conscious and more confident.

We are going to sell the calves this week. We planned to take them to auction on Wednesday but Dave just called and said he may bring someone over who might like to buy them. In that case we would have a buyer for future calves too. That would be so great. I was hoping that broker would have come by again this year, but Joe didnt bring him out. But if this other guy takes them , thats probably just as good. A dollar's a dollar. The babies are just starting to get really sweet too. Last year when I wasnt working I would go and sit with them and they would all come around me and sniff at me and play games with me. Well, I just hope we get a good price for them. We have worked really hard to produce quality calves and we deserve to get a premium for them.

Looks like Ron Perlman is going to be in a new movie coming up. He is just too busy. Good for his fans though.

Cant think of anything else to say. Talk to you soon.

Turkey and Stuffing

2007-11-23T16:51:00.001-08:00

Ah, America. We celebrate this holiday called Thanksgiving, which is supposed to honor the Pilgrims and Indians joining together for a feast and of course to remind us to be thankful for our blessings. But really, it just seems to be another day of consumerism. Stores are open, and the poor employees have to work rather than be with their families, all in the name of profits. Of course some people choose to work, which is fine, but more often than not it is manditory for them. I know, I have been there and I choose never to go back again. Having the day off yesterday and today is something I am thankful for. I love a good sale as much as anybody, but I have learned to curb my desire for any old junk just because it is marked down. Too much stuff just weighs you down and holds you back. Yesterday I was cooking with a blue plastic spoon that I have had for 17 years, and I didnt even buy it, it was left on the counter along with several other utensils when I bought my first house. Sure. I am tempted to get some of those great new inventions ( the Margharita Master anyone?) but am mature enough now to realize that if I even do open the box at all, I will probably only use the thing once or twice and then throw it in the closet and then several years from now uncover it and take it to Goodwill. Yup, I am trying hard to keep from collecting gadgets and widgets and all manner of things that just take up space and cost too much. My vice? Ron Perlman of course. Hey, I work hard and obviously save my money ( see the 17 year old spoon above ) so if I wanna get some Ron stuff, so be it. I must admit that I havent really procured anything lately. Ebay has had all the same stuff listed and Rons new movies have not been released yet, so there are slim pickins right now. But anyway, I am just trying to say that life is much easier when you live it simply. And if I agonize over a purchase, then it makes it that much more special to me if I do go ahead and buy it. Instant gratification is so overrated. And that brings us to this question... Should I use the money I have been saving to buy a laptop, or a great Dyson vacuum cleaner? Or maybe neither and just keep saving? Any advice?

My mom and dad came over and they seemed to enjoy the meal. That makes me feel good. Chip and I cooked the stuffing together as is our tradition and it turned out great as always. I would love to make it more often, but then it probably would not taste as good or be as special as it is just once a year. And today we got up and actually went out for breakfast and to Walgreens to get some reading glasses for Chip cause they had a special buy 1 get 2 free. And then we got some feed for the calves and came home and went to the farm and cut down some trees and started a fire to clean up. It was a really nice day. But I have felt like I am coming down with something for the last few days and this morning I woke up with a sore throat an am hoping I dont get a cold. Plus I have been in a bad mood too. But I felt much better yesterday and today was ok if it werent for the darn sore throat. Yesterday when my mom and dad got here, I poured a little Southern Comfort in my 7-up and that made my mood a whole lot better, especially when Annie got so excited that she peed on my mom and the kitchen floor that I had just mopped. Yeah, my life seems to revolve around some animals bodily fluids.

So tonight I believe that I will curl up with a book and rest. I am going to make a pot of vegetable soup tomorrow so that will be nice and warm and cozy. These last two days have just flown by, which stinks because we have been looking forward to having four days off. I love long weekends and getting lots of stuff done.

Karen had to work today and has been busy with craft shows and stuff, but I hope we can get together sometime soon. I cant wait to get started on Annies scrapbook. I need to take more pictures and to print out the ones I have already. And she is losing her baby teeth, so I am trying to get one of them.

Anyway, Blah, Blah, Blah, I have been going on and on. It was nice to mention Ron again, since I havent done so in quite some time. Haven't forgotten about you, buddy, just nothing new going on to talk about.

You all have a great night, and reflect on the things you are thankful for.

Love to all

Fowl Mood (pun intended)

2007-11-21T19:16:00.000-08:00

I am having a mini meltdown for sure. No it really has nothing to do with Thanksgiving, that is all under control and no big deal. We just finished the first part of the stuffing and tomorrow we will add the bread cubes and stuff the turkey and stick it in the oven. What has me off is the fact that I cannot seem to keep a clean house. I run off on this tangent quite often, really, and I dont know why all of a sudden tonight I decided to have a tantrum about it but I sure did. Probably because Kiki took a crap on the ramp and Chip stepped in it causing him to ski down the ramp nearly busting his rear. Then he brings his slippers into the house slathered in shit and wants to clean them. Also it got on the rug on the patio. Then the cat gets on the table and gets hair all over ( god I hate cats and their evil way of getting on the counters and tables - that is sooo gross and I have no way of stopping them short of a couple of bullets. And the puppy is just driving me insane. Grabbing everything she can get her teeth into and racing around the house with it. She shredded a newspaper tonight while I was at the barn feeding and I got to clean that up right away. I have had a headache for days and was feeling quite ill this evening and just really wanted to take it easy and enjoy the beginning of a loooong weekend. But it just seems like I am always following everyone around with a mop and vacuum and constantly cleaning. Ugh! Whats a girl to do? I want a clean and cozy house, but it is so hard and frustrating to keep it that way. Well, I gotta quit the bitchin because I love the farm life, so I guess this is what I have to put up with. I hope I am racking up some major good karma here. ( or am I being punished with some bad karma?) AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! OK Look, I have 4 days to clean and get back into the groove of things. A couple of prozac wouldn't hurt either. I know that tomorrow is likely to be a bust in the cleaning dept because mom and dad are coming over for dinner so I will just get a good nights rest tonight ( hopefully) and then clean a little tomorrow and then not let anything bother me after that until after they leave and then a little more cleaning and then on Friday I can get an early start on Really cleaning and maybe a little decorating and then I should feel better. A nice walk in the woods may help too, but its raining today and that doesnt help much because then there are all these wet leaves and everything all over and that just makes it feel dirtier. See what I mean? But heres my plan:

Get Turkey started
have a drink
Vacuum
have a drink
Mop
have a drink
clean bathrooms
take a prozac
sweep patio and maybe put out some decorations
greet my guests and feed them and clean up after them
put prozac in a drink and float into oblivion

No, seriously. I really dont drink that much, and I have never been drunk. I am just being facetious.

And last weekend I shampooed all the carpets and cleaned all the woodwork and stuff and the house felt marvelously clean so I know that I can have that again. Just relax, Cin, there is more to life than a spotless house.

So if anyone reads this and has any advice, I would love to hear it. I could really use some encouragement. But no matter.. Happy Thanksgiving to all! May you all have safe travels and days filled with joy, peace and thankfulness.

Hello Blog!

2007-11-16T17:54:00.000-08:00

It is hard to believe that Thanksgiving is next week. Where did this year go? So many things have happened this year, and it seems to have whizzed by. There are so many things that I am thankful for, it would take days to list them all, so I will go with an abbreviated version and say that....

I am Thankful For:

My husband, Chip and our wonderful loving relationship
our health
our security
my job
my friends ( well, really my real friend)
my family
the opportunity granted by God to live on this farm and care for all these wonderful animals
that I can be patient with the above :)

So many more

It is pretty late and I am really exhausted. This week was a little more interesting at work because I am backing up Jill while she is on vacation, so I had to learn some of her work. I now go to the Sheriffs office and deliver paperwork, and process parent ed class scheduling and court appointed attorneys, and guardian ad litems. So I have been busy the last two days and Jill will be out all next week. Of course, we are off on Thursday and Friday. Hmmm I am looking forwared to another long weekend.

Tomorrow I am going to clean the carpets. Last weekend I got a lot of stuff done in the house, cleaning out the closets and polishing all the wood furniture, doors and baseboards. It felt so great last Monday and I hope to maintain that wonderful feeling.

Karen got a new Jeep!! Yay for you, girl! I cant wait to see it.
Annie is being a good girl. The other day while I was checking email she came in and pawed my arm to get my attention and then I realized that she had Chips hat in her mouth. As soon as I looked at her, she shook the hat a couple of times and raced out of the room. Smart girl wanted to play. It was cute.

Not much else to report. Still hoping to sell the calves, as Joe didnt come up with a buyer that is willing to pay what we are asking per pound. But they are great calves and we are asking a fair price according to the market. So please pray that we will sell them and get a good deal.

Well, I have earned a little rest. I am gonna curl up on the couch and look at my new Martha Stewart magazine. Hope everyone is well and happy, love to you all.

Beautiful Day

2007-11-13T16:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was one of the most beautiful days that I can ever remember. The weather was perfect, in the 60's and breezy and the sun came out every so often to warm things up a bit. Besides that, I felt so great. It is really hard to describe in words how I felt, but I want to remember the feeling. It was uplifting and calm, grounded and joyous. I felt like there was no pressure to do any certain thing at any certain time. The house was clean, and it felt really clean to me, satisfying. Chip and I worked together at the farm, he on the well house door and I cleaned up around the barnyard and checked on the calves. Then we went for lunch and then went to Burwinkles to pick up the next load of corn shalk bales and had a nice conversation with him. He is such a nice guy and I really like him. Then I ran to the library and took back all the books I had and that made me feel like I had got even more done and I picked up a couple of good books that I am looking forward to reading. Then Joe came over and we discussed a bid on the calves ( still in negotiation) and then back home and a little more house cleaning and resting for the rest of the night. I even opened the doors and windows and turned the fan on to air out the house. I haven't felt this uplifted and right in a long time and I dont want to forget the feeling. This is proof that I can feel this good. It is so hard to really describe the feeling itself, but it was one of being so content and happy and relaxed. Oh, I hope we have many many more days like this. And I hope that all of you can also have such wonderful times.

Nature of The Beast

2007-11-09T16:53:00.000-08:00

This was one of those weeks, at least the last several days were. Phew! I am physically and emotionally exhausted and looking forward to the weekend and getting grounded again. A clean house and a good walk or two in the woods should help tremendously. Where shall I begin? Oh , I know...

Saturday John and the girls came out to cut some firewood so Chip and I helped them load it. I knew there were some suspicious vines on the logs, but figured that it was cold enough now that any poison would be killed off. WRONG!! By Monday I was itching, but just on my arm so I wasnt really worried about it. By Monday night I was scratching all over and my eye was swelling shut. ( Have you ever tried to scratch your eye? ) This crud was all over me. My face, neck, ears, eyes, stomach and arms. Nothing on the nether regions though thank God. I had a seminar on Tuesday for the new retirement benefits so I wanted to go to work for at least that and then figured I would see what my boss wanted me to do. Well, she was mortified at how I looked and of course I was scared that I could possibly be contagious. ( did I tell you guys about the lady last Friday that came in with scabies?) So I told her I would make a doctor appointment and get it checked out. Went to the seminar ( we have great benefits guys! ) and then went on home since my appt wasnt until 3:45. Stopped at the grocery and got tons of stuff since I had the time to shop and figured that way it was done for the week. Then I stopped at Target to check out a new shower curtain and found one that was normally 25 dollars on sale for 6 dollars. Bargain! So I happily went to the doctor, who didnt know what exactly I had gotten myself into, but assured me that I wasnt contagious and gave me a perscription for some steroids. Yay! I love steroids. Usually I lose 10 pounds while on them. Doesnt seem like it is doing that this time, but i still have a few days and most importantly, the rash is healing well.

We have been working on getting the calves into the barn so we can sell them. So every night we go down and feed and pull a calf or two out of the bunch and get them in the paddock. Tonight some babies ran through the electric fence and got themselves in with the older calves, meaning that we had to get them out. What a fiasco. Really, just a normal day on Guinea Run Farm - crazy.

Last night I came home from work, already tired and sore and just wanting to relax after we got done with the cows, and going to the porce, there was Kiki laying in the pond. Sheesh! You know, she weighs 80 pounds and here I was in my work clothes desperately trying to pull her out. I did get her and dragged her to the ramp and into the house where I blow dried her. Of course my carpet soaked up most of the muddy murky water. And we all know what a fanatic I used to be about clean carpets. So then I realized that Whitey had piddled on the carpet as well. That sent me over the edge. All I wanted to do was get home, shower, fix dinner and relax. Yeah, that was gonna happen. So I made myself a little drink. And then I added a bit more Seagrams. And then I just felt like it didnt matter that the floor was dirty. Mission accomplished.

So this weekend I have a lot of cleaning to do and at this moment I am up for it. I hope I am feeling as encouraged about it tomorrow. I am beginning to feel nesty again now that winter is coming. Still not sure if I will decorate for Christmas much since the puppy is still in her "grab whatever you can and eat it" phase. But maybe I can turn the living room into a Christmas paradise, since we have the baby gate barricading the room from the rest of the house.

And today was a real winner at work. From first thing this morning it was crazy. People were rude and unreasonable. But really, the more comfortable I am with what I am doing and the more capable I get, the easier it is to deal with crazy days. Soon it will be old hat. Oh, and I was telling the gils about Kiki falling in the pond and my adventures and they were lauging and telling me how funny my stories are. And then Megan said I should write a book about my life cause it is so funny. Little does she know that that is one of the things I would love to do, so I was truly flattered. It really makes you feel good when someone likes to hear your stories.

So, Chip reminded me that I love animals and the farm and I love this life that we live and that all of this is just a part of that. Sure, the carpet will never be spotless, and the animals will be constantly getting into some kind of adventure and dragging their dirt into the house with them. Sure there will always be more chores than we can ever finish. But that my friends, is the nature of this beast. And I love it.

Post II

2007-11-02T17:34:00.000-07:00

Wow! Karen just emailed me and after reading it, I feel so emotional. God I miss her so much. Yeah, probably I am not blogging as much because there is so little stress in my life now that I have this great job. But I still feel that it is a way to express myself and to remember all the things that are important to me. I wanna get Southwest Chicken Salads and yogurt parfaits and sit with Karen and bitch about everything. I wanna look over and roll my eyes at her when Steph gets a call on her cell phone and spends an hour talking. For all the years of being a loner and not trusting anyone, this friendship makes up for it all. Karen, remember the things we said to each other about betrayal and trust? I truly mean it and always will. I promise.

Ok, time to get a shower. Enjoy your weekend my friend.

A Rude Awakening

2007-11-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, so last night there I was in dreamland, sleeping really soundly when all of a sudden there was a huge commotion in the family room between the dogs. Ugh! I looked at the clock and it was 12:30. I had drank a glass of wine with dinner and it was working so well to make me feel all sleepy and cozy, and now this. When I got to the family room I could see that Annie was playing with the bunny rabbit toy that Karen had given her. Only...wait a minute. Was that toy really that big? What is all that red stuff all over the carpet?? When I touched it was the moment I realized that this was no toy, but actually the biggest rabbit I had ever seen. The cat evidentally brought it in and there were bunny bits all over my house, thank you very much. Annie got a little viscious with me trying to take it out of her mouth and I dont like that at all. No dog of mine has ever been a growler and biter and I dont plan on letting her become one either. So I had to pick up the pieces ( pun intended) and go back to bed.

So here we are tonight, and I cant wait to get the carpet clean tomorrow. I hate a dirty house. Hopefully I will have the energy and willpower to clean everything top to bottom so I can relax. I realize that with all the animals we have, the house will never be spotless and I just have to accept that. But I still like to have a clean comfortable cocoon to live in. Ah, well, everything can be cleaned, and eventually we can redo the bathrooms and replace the carpets and flooring.

This week was interesting at work. I got to stay in the case management office most of the week and actually got to help some people and answer some questions. Some real doozies came in too. Oh, there was this lady who announced that she and her kid had scabies. Yikes! And the very nice albeit strange man in the elevator that weighed about 400 pounds and was wearing a pimp hat and santa clause pants. REALLY, I am not making this up. My bosses catch phrase is "people are crazy and they all come here". Speaking of my boss, we went to lunch together today. It was really nice and I enjoyed talking with her away from the office. I was headed out the door and she asked where I was going and I said Mcdonalds and she asked if I would mind her tagging along. It was fun.

I hope that I learn a lot and quickly. There is so much to learn and I want to be good at my job. Sometimes I just feel a little panicked and thing I will never get all of it. But I have been around the block a few times and know that I can do it. Patience.

And Anita and Lisa have been really kind to me. They have only been there for a little while and they are telling me that they felt the exact same way. I like these people. Still, they are not Karen. But I feel like I carry a piece of Karen with me every day. I think about her and talk about her, and bring her into the conversation a lot. Most days I feel like picking up the phone and calling her to see how she is, but I know that she is busy and cant talk and dont want to bother her.

My eyes have really been bugging me lately. Must be allergies because they are swollen and itchy and teary. I hope to "beauty" myself up and get in good shape. I just need the inspiration and the willpower. Hmmm... didn't I just say something about that when talking about cleaning the house? Hannah just called to see if they could come over tomorrow and so now we are having company. I dont mind, except that I wont get to clean as much as I wanted to. But thats ok, I will clean after they leave. Chip and I enjoy the company.

Well, maybe I better go and get a start on the cleaning so the house is nice for our company tomorrow.

I wonder, do those crazy people look at us and think that we are the crazy ones?

Take Care All

Why I Blog

2007-10-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

What to do? To blog or be outside, walking the place, becoming grounded, one with nature. I chose to walk. I have come to a point in my life where I realize that time is finite. Though I do believe that we experience many, many lifetimes in our quest for perfection and wisdom, this is the one that I am blessed with at this time and I must make the most of it for I am truly blessed.

And now I can also see that with my work being so much less stressful, I can focus my energy on things I am truly passionate about, such as:

getting more organized- in many areas
getting the yard in shape
working on remodeling the kitchen and bath
my needlepoint of Bran
gathering and trying healthy recipes and foods
learning a new hobby
getting more Ron Perlman-"ized"
doing some of the things on my list
spending more quality time with Chip

Yes, this is the first time in my life that I am able to (wisely) see that work is work and my life is my own. I can free my mind from the shackles that held it prisoner for so many years and channel that energy into worthwile efforts.

Right now I am sitting on a rock by the creek that actually now has water in it ( a little) and writing this while watching the cows and calves. Most are at the feeder eating corn shalks. THe rest, laying around and chewing their cud. The sky is that perfect blue, with a few big, fluffy white clouds. The sun is reflecting off the big sycamore tree, creating a glow unrivaled by any man made scene. Yet it looks so surreal. My back is warmed by the sun, while a grove of trees on the other side of the creek casts a calming shade. Yesterday's newborn calf is bawling to her mother. The breeze is a bit cool, leaves wafting upon it and settling at my feet- red, yellow, brown and neon green. Beauty!

I am recounting this because it is aso perfect a day and I want to remember it as it is. This is why I blog. To remember, to learn, to share.

Friends have come and gone along the way. Some have stuck, and more are to come. I am blessed for all of them. Each has taught mesomething. I hope to continue the relationship with some, growing closer, learning and teaching.

At this moment it is more important to be sitting here quietly, soaking in the beauty that is. The dishes, laundry and other chores will still be there later. But this moment is now.

If I look back to the first posts in this blog, I can see how I have grown and evolved. This is why I blog. I see that at the beginning of this year I was feeling better, more in control, looking forward to things, losing weight :) I lost a bit of ground when I went to work at Northgate- becoming immersed in the drama that they were shoving down my throat. But I feel my spirit returning. I pray for the guidance to make life the best it can be for myself and those I love, and pray that we all enjoy so many, many many more wonderful days.

Peace, love and wisdom to all!!

What?

2007-10-19T17:15:00.000-07:00

Seems like forever since I have blogged, even though its only been a week. Sometimes it is so hard to come up with something to say, and others, there is so much to share.

Work is going well to some extent. I am friendly with the security officers, judges and baliffs and all of my coworkers. It just seems like I am looking for a connection with them, like I had with Karen. I became so used to being so comfortable with someone, and now I am starting all over again. But thats ok, because Karen is, and always will be, special.

Sometimes I find myself fretting over the question of "will I EVER get this??". There is so much to learn and it seems overwhelming sometimes. Well, first- of course it is overwhelming! It should be at this point. After all, I have been there for two weeks for goodness sake. And the things I have learned are now easy for me. It is mainly just putting everything together in the process from beginning to end and knowing the system, and there is still lots of time for that. Jennifer is certainly not putting any pressure on me to learn any quicker than I already am. Remember, I learned the system at Northgate even though I had my doubts. Maybe I am too hard on myself. Lets reflect on all the accomplishments I have made in the last few years:

Become a tax professional
learned Peachtree and Quicken
Learned Bank systems
Got my Master in Microsoft
learned Northgates system
Learned to drive a stick

Um, I am sure there are more that I am not remembering, but you get the point. I am doing this to remind myself that I am not an idiot and I can and will pick up on any new things I set out to learn.

Things are so much less stressful lately. While I miss Karen, I dont miss the crap of Northgate. And this new job really interesting. You know what? I am boring myself! I am just going on and on about the same old stuff. Just goes to show that I am settling in and dont have ( or want) any drama.

Well, not much else on my mind tonight and my back is sore so I think I will go get a hot shower and snuggle in with a magazine. I really wish Annie would get to the point where she would snuggle with us. We all went for a walk last night and it was really enjoyable.

Night, all.

People

2007-10-12T16:53:00.000-07:00

Where do some of these people come from? How can people live the way they do and in the awful conditions that they have? Is it lack of education and social status that causes some to falter? Why do some people, even growing up in adverse conditions, rise above and succeed and others allow themselves to become victims and fail? I have experienced a lot of such people in the past week. It is sad to say the least. I understand that if a person is physically or mentally disabled, they may not be able to excel in certain areas, but have personally known some who have nonetheless given it their all and striven for success. So why would an able bodied person refuse to be responsible and work and support themselves and their families? Sad to say the least. I do not sense hopelesness from these people, but rather a total lack of concern for anything. Well, lets hope that they eventually realize their shortcomings and become productive citizens.

There are other people who are incredibly giving and kind. They have no sense of cynacism at all. These people are at peace with themselves. Good way to be. Give, rather than take, love rather than hate, bless rather than curse. We should all learn a lesson from these people.

I have escaped a very negative environment, one where I felt myself being pulled under and almost unable to surface. The people choose to complain and argue rather than to band together and make life better. Really, I shouldn't care now that I have moved on, but there are two people that remain that I hope will find the patience and strength to overcome this place. Just hang in there guys and be patient.

I dont feel that this post is really going anywhere. I guess I am tired and have other things on my mind, namely showering and relaxing. Work went well this week. There was only one point where I felt a little overwhelmed and as if "I will never get this". The week went really fast too. I am learning bit by bit, and as with everything, will catch on as I get more confident and proficient.

The computer guy was putting us in the system yesterday and we all started talking about movies and their sequals and how they dont even watch them because they are never as good as the originals. I said that I hoped that Hellboy II would be just as good and mentioned that they were filming right now. The guy said, "oh, I like Ron Perlman, I cant wait till that movie comes out." I almost died. So we started this conversation about Ron and it felt really great to know that someone else knows what I am talking about. That was fun.

Well, my back is telling me that I must go and relax. Now that it is getting cooler and the days are getting shorter, I am getting very tired and sleepy at night. I could crawl into bed right now actually. Hmmm... I bet this post has already had that effect on some of you, too. :) Ok, Ok time for Cindy to sign off for now. People, take care and be kind to one another, you never know but you may make a big difference in someone's life.

Love to all

A Letter To Annie

2007-10-07T07:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Annie,
Happy two month anniversary!
It is so hard to believe that you have been with us for two whole months already. My how you have grown. I remember when Paula put you in my arms when we went to pick you up and you licked my face. Then I knew that we were a family. And how tiny you were. And how excited you were when we got in the car and drove home, first going to Northgate to introduce you to aunt Karen. Such a small little bundle of fur and needle teeth and nails, black nose and eyes, the perfect example of joie de vivre. When we got you home, the first thing you did was go potty and we were so excited and we lavished you with praise. In return, you were equally happy and I knew you were a real smart pup. Also, when we went to Petsmart to get your things, you fell asleep in the shopping cart, just this teeny tiny little ball of fur. You looked like a toy.

And here we are two months later and you have grown at least 5 times the size you were. Amazing. How fun it is to watch you grow and mature. You are quite a handful at the moment, but we can see you learning and understanding. You dont use your teeth quite as often, to the relief of our sensitive and bruised skin. You are still a napkin stealer. You still have to learn boundaries and to respect other peoples food and belongings. But you are coming along quite nicely, and I have to admit that you have quite the personality there.

We went for a walk this morning before breakfast. Rusty was whinnying up a storm and I knew that something was going on so we all hiked down to the farm to see what was going on. When we got to where Rusty was, all by himself and pacing in a frenzy because he couldn't figure out how to get around the gate to the others, you were smart and stayed close by me. After I got Russ through the gate and he galloped on his way, you relaxed a little, ready to continue your exploration of this new place. We went back to the barn where Chip ( daddy) was waiting for us and then followed us back to the house. When Rusty came charging back toward us, you very smartly hid between Chip's legs. Smart girl! So you are learning. I think we all enjoyed our walk.

Now you are sleepy and playing with your toys. Such a good girl you are when you are tired.
Ah, yes. I love you with all my heart, and even on those occasions when you are behaving terribly and I ask myself " are you sure you wanted a puppy?" the answer is always a resounding "YES!"

A Letter To Karen

2007-10-05T16:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Karen: It is lunchtime and I have decided to go outside and sit and take in the city. I found a nice spot by a statue, next to a young tree that throws just enough shade to make it comfortable in the unseasonable heat that we are having. I have brought lunch ( a pickle loaf sandwich, chips, yogurt and diet ginger ale) and a book, and have settled in for a nice read. The traffic is going by noisily, lots of beeps and roaring engines. A train blows its whistle as it passes close by. I am constantly looking up as strange people pass. And by strange I mean both people whom I have never met and really wierd people. :) It is a little uncomfortable, and hard to let my guard down as they all pass, but no one seems to mean any harm, and they all respect my space. The words on the page are interesting, but my thoughts are scattered, its hard to concentrate. I recognize a girl from my department, whose name is Cindy also and we wave to one another and she strolls over to say hello. She asks how I am doing and if I like it so far and I say yes, that it is very interesting, but I am looking forward to actually getting my own space and being able to do some real work of my own.I still feel out of sorts, as if I am intruding on their work spaces, as one has not yet been assigned to me. They are nice people, yet I dont feel the warmth and welcome that you had extended to me when I first came to Northgate. Cindy has to leave as her lunch break is up and again I am alone with my thoughts. The day is not yet too warm, even though it is noon, and my little tree is keeping me cool in its shade. I think about how nice it would be for you to work here, too. The benefits are tremendous, really. We do not get Monday off for Columbus day, because instead they are going to observe that day on the day after Thanksgiving. Woo Hoo. I wonder if you think about me. Have you burped out loud much? Is Stephanie behaving? Has the new girl started? I hope you give the new girl a chance. I am hoping, of course, that you do not like her as well as me, but that you get along well and that she will try to help you out as much as she can, like I did. I hope that she is a good worker and easy to get along with. But please don't forget about me :)

Time to go back. I throw all my trash in the can beside me and scurry through the door and up the escalator. Throw my purse onto the conveyer that goes through the xray machine and step through the metal detector. The officer gives me a hopeful look, and I smirk back at him as "Beep Beep Beep" I set the alarms off. I have yet to get through the detector without setting it off. He sighs and comes at me with the wand and I dutifully spread my arms and legs and let him "wand" me. "Darn, I thought you'd make it this time" he says playfully. "Are you taking a lot of iron supplements or something?" Nope. Just magnetic I guess. I swear I could go through the thing naked and still set it off. Hmmm.....

So I am thinking about all of the new things I have done and learned in the past few years. Quite a lot, actually. This is nothing different, just a new set of things to learn and master. I want to be the best darn Case Manager they ever saw.

Annie continues to grow and is now about an inch taller than Whitey. Shadow is looking for you to come over and ride, and Rusty is looking for some carrots. He says that it has been such a long time since he has eaten a spree that he had forgotten what they are, but he appreciated your getting them for him and cant wait to get some more.

So I think you are going to the farm this weekend. Hope you have fun and get lots done. Know that I am thinking about you and cant wait till you can come over again. I am looking at my scrapbook right now and looking forward to us working on it and our bracelets.

Do take care, my friend.

Love Cindy

Wonderful Weekend

2007-10-02T13:42:00.000-07:00

The weekend was great! First, Chip took me shopping on Saturday to get some new clothes for my new job, and then we went home and watched some movies and relaxed the rest of the day. On Sunday, Karen came over and we took a walk along the dry creek bed. It was really neat to see all the rocks that were usually under water, and to get close to the tall banks where you could see how much the water had eroded them. There was a nice breeze and the leaves were falling from the trees. Karen said it sounded like rain, which was funny, cause thats what I always thought it sounded like too. We got to talk a lot and visit with the horses. The day went way too quickly. She even brought presents! She baked brownies and decorated them with pink icing, and brought toys for Annie and gave me a doggie scrapbook, that I had been wanting to get forever. It is so cool, the pages are ready for pictures and have little buttons and charms on them all ready. What a great friend.

Yesterday was my last day at work and it wasnt as hard as I thought until it was time to say "See Ya Later" to Karen. Up until that time, we were so busy with month end that I hardly had a second to think about it. Then Karen was ready to go and she kept saying that she wouldnt say "goodbye" because it was not goodbye, it was "see ya later". So that was really hard. But I do hope that we can keep our friendship going strong. Most times you say you will keep in touch and it never works out that way, but I think we are different. Hmmm, gotta go get dinner.

See Ya Later!! :)

Mid-Week Ramblings

2007-09-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

It is only Wednesday and yet I have found a few moments to blog tonight. This has been one of the slowest weeks of my life at work. We did manage to sell a few cars today, so tomorrow I may be busy, but today I helped Karen a little and did a crappy project for Kathy. It wasn't really crappy, just that I had to take all the old dealers license plates and put new insurance cards on them, and they were filthy! But I managed to get a lot done today.

One thing that really touches me is that people seem to really care that I am leaving there. I mean, not that they will be devastated or anything, but they act like they kind of liked me a little. I truly will miss you all.

Jon Katz spoke about "once in a lifetime dogs" in his book, "A Good Dog". Basically he said that there is that one dog in a persons life that is the special one, the once in a lifetime dog. Brandy was mine. Well, I have discovered that there is also such a thing as a "once in a lifetime friend" and I have found mine as well. This is a friend that you have so much in common with and can practically read one anothers minds. A friend that you feel you have known forever, even in past lives, and know you will know and love forever more. And that would be Karen. Now, I am not really sure if she feels the same about me, but my heart and soul tells me that she is that person to me. After looking so hard for true friendship and pretty much giving up on it after being let down so many times, and even though it is terrifying to admit , lest she not feel the same, I have to say that it is true. I pray that our friendship continues, even though we wont see each other every day, and that we will still become little old ladies tottering around together in 50 years or so. I hope she knows how much she means to me. You do, you know.

Well, I have a feeling I am going to be pretty emotional this week, and I really did not expect that. Of course, I can cry at a sneeze, I am that much of a softie, but I really didnt think leaving Northgate would touch me so much. I really am relieved to be moving on, but will really miss those special people. Good thing that I have this blog to air my emotions without censoring them. Its a great sounding board. P.S. Work seems to be so much easier and less stressful this week. I realize that I know all this stuff, and it is all coming to me so easily now. Go Figure!

Think I will go get a shower now and Criminal Minds comes on in a few minutes and I really like that show. So, I hope everyone is well and happy and may all your dearest dreams come true.

Reflections

2007-09-23T07:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was cooking breakfast and watching out the kitchen window into the backyard where Chip and Annie were playing. Chip was tossing the frisbee and Annie was chasing it. Then she would bring it back to him and he told her to sit and she sat down and dropped the frisbee at his feet. Genius!! How wonderfully smart my little girl is. I just watched and smiled, they were having such a ggod time. Then later that evening, we all went out and played. It was a nice day.

We also had a calf Friday. It was brand new so Chip didnt check it out too closely. We will try to get a look at it today. Today is the first day of fall and it is still in the 90's out there. Phew!We have to go to Dave's and pick up our corn shalks, and we are going to clean out the grain bin and get the barn ready to start feeding again. Lots of work to do and it's gonna be hot!!

I feel like a new person. After being sick for almost a month with allergies and sinus problems, I am finally on the mend. And if fall comes soon, the cold will kill all the pollen in the air and we will be able to breathe better. Still stuffy and gasping for breath, but not near as bad as a few weeks ago. Maybe now I will have more energy and be able to exercise more and lose some weight again. At least emotionally I feel better. Not that I was exactly in bad shape, just stressed with all the negativity going on around me. It is time to improve myself. Diet, exercise, increasing my knowledge and skills and working on my spirit. That's what its all about.

Not much more to say right now. I have a lot of chores to do. I guess I will have to give up the idea of a spotless house and a breathtaking garden, though. The puppy makes sure that I am constantly challenged, always picking up and cleaning. But I would not change that for the world. The love of a good dog is more important than a Good Housekeeping award.

Be good to one another and yourselves.

Countdown

2007-09-21T16:48:00.000-07:00

This has been a crazy two days since I have given notice. I feel so elated and also sad at the same time. I will only really miss two people and that is Karen and Harry. Pam was also very nice to me, but since she works in a totally different department and I hardly ever see her, it won't be as difficult to say goodbye to her. At this point I am getting some feedback from people that I didn't really interact with a lot. Jeff from parts said he will hate to see me go. I know it is probably just polite talk, but it makes me feel good. And it will really be hard to leave Karen and Harry. But they will have each other and maybe they can stick together. They both are in the rut where they feel they are making so much money there ( not nearly enough for what they do though) and couldn't possibly make that amount somewhere else. So they are basically stuck there. I know from experience that that is not true. But I have always been willing and able to take a pay cut in order to get a better opportunity ( even if it meant not working at all to escape a bad situation). I have been blessed for that. Chip has been so understanding and supportive of my work life. And again he encouraged me to "go for it".

I have learned a lot at Northgate. A whole new system of accounting, and how to process car deals and titles. I have become a notary. Karen made me feel great today when she said that I have learned faster than anyone she has known in that position, even people who had some experience already. Thats a true friend, who will compliment you. I have also learned a lot about human psychology. There are some real lulu's there. Freud would have a field day. Ah, the nature of the beast. I thought the ego's at the bank were bad, but car salesmen are really primitive in their personalities.

Now I am beginning a whole new adventure. I am really looking forward to this new challenge. I will be learning about a whole new business, new rules and regulations and standards of operation. The court systems are interesting anyway, but to be at the heart of all the action will be a lot of fun. And it is fairly altruistic work. I will be helping people in some ways. Yes, I am really excited. But I will truly miss my dear friend, Karen. I know that I will keep up our friendship, and hope she does the same. I have never felt so close to anyone before. It is scary to admit that to myself, because of my history of betrayal by "friends", but if you dont open your heart and give people a chance, you will never know. I gave Sally a chance also. And maybe that didn't work out so well, but I did my part and can look in the mirror and say that I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and if she didn't rise to the occasion, then that is her problem and not mine. I am proud of myself for being big enough to include her and befriend her. Two faced and back stabbing? Maybe. But she didn't really cause me too much grief that I know of, and if she tried, then that is her bad Karma to overcome.

This week I came to the realization that some of the people there are actually my teachers. Stephanie has been a challenge. A sweet giving person, but a horrible work ethic, and not very charitable to others feelings. How frustrated I have become over her shoddy workmanship. And then the epiphany. She is there to teach me patience and acceptance, to not judge others but to mind my own business and to concentrate on my own shortcomings. I know that this is hard for a lot of people to understand, but I feel like a better person for coming to realize these things. Another thing is that Sally said something to the effect of,"well what kind of qualifications do you need to get that job?" and intimated that I was not qualified for it with my background. ( which of course she knows nothing of. No one there knows all the things I have done and the experience I have. I have done far more in my life than most of them.) Karen got really upset on my behalf, which I appreciate. But if I don't let Sally's dig hurt me, then it can't hurt me. I just let it go and chalked it up to her problem, not mine. Obviously I have what they are looking for , because I got the job. But I dont have to explain myself to anyone, or prove myself to anyone. I know full and well what I am capable of, and instead of sitting there and complaining about how bad things are, I went out and did something about it. I am darn proud of myself. That place was really dragging me down. It is better to be a mystery.

So I am getting back to my old spiritual self again. I am trying to shed all those frustrated and unhappy feelings from Northgate. Yeah, I do give people too much credit too soon, but I am a good person and I feel good about how I treat others. I guess I need to get a thicker skin and be a little more suspicous of people before I let them into my world, but every person has a lesson to offer. This place was nowhere near as bad as the bank, and the people, while annoying and pathetic, are nowhere near as dangerous and cruel as at the bank. I think I am gaining wisdom. And that, my friends, is one of the reasons we are here.

So follow along on my adventure, see it through my eyes. And please, share with me any advice you care to offer. I still have a lot to learn :)

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

2007-09-20T16:28:00.000-07:00

Whew! Now I can finally talk about it. A few weeks back I went on a job interview for a great job for the county courthouse. My interviewer spoke of how important the position was and how they were looking for "the cream of the crop". I felt it was a good interview and that she and I hit it off really well. She has the same visions as I do about customer service, procedures, and cross training to ensure a well rounded, successful and confident employee. I was told that it would take about a month to choose the person, and they would let me know one way or the other. So I have been holding my breath for two weeks, hoping that I would get the job. Then she left a message for me on Friday night saying she wanted to meet with me again and to make an appointment to see her. I was so excited!!! But I had to wait all weekend to call on Monday, and I could barely contain myself. When I called, I found that she was very booked with appointments and I was disappointed because I thought that perhaps they were re-interviewing lots of people and that, while I may be closer to the job, maybe not. Of course Chip said "what, you think she doesn't have anything else to do but meet with you? Off course she will be busy, that doesn't mean you wont get the job." Jokingly of course. And he reminded me that I have no control as to whether they choose me or not, so I was really nervous. Well, when I got there on Wednesday (yesterday) she said there were still some papers that needed to be filled out and I thought, "oh, just some extra stuff, and I still wont know anything" but then she said she wanted to offer me the position!!! I almost jumped out of my chair. This is such a great opportunity for me. I will be working only 35 hours a week, and making as much as I was at the dealership working 40 hours. Plus the benefits are fantastic and the opportunity for advancement is great. This is a career.

Today I gave my resignation, and Kathy flipped out on me. But she gained control and Pete didnt freak out at all, so I guess I am staying until month end. Now if they decide to get crappy with me for some reason, we will rethink that.

My only regret is leaving Karen and Harry. But I will never leave Karen behind. She will always be my friend and I will do my best to keep in touch. Maybe we can grow even closer this way because we wont see each other all day every day. Karen will be moving on herself soon anyway and truly I was wondering what I was going to do without her. So this way we will both be in better situations. I want her to be happy, as she has had some tough times here lately.

Karen, whoever they hire to take my place will not like burps. They will not papaya. That is ours. And maybe there will be a great position open for you there too and we can work together again. BURRRRPPPPP!!

Ah, I am so giddy. It was kind of a bummer today because people were mad at me for quitting. But some of them were happy for me. And hey, you all know how I have been looking for my purpose and looking for meaningful work. THis is great for me and I deserve it. After all the crappy jobs I have been through lately with really bad management , I deserve to settle into a career and be happy. Dont poo on my parade people.

More later. Jon, God speed and follow your heart. Take advantage of this opportunity and enjoy every minute of it. Pat, safe trip and lots of fun and joy for you and Helen. Give him a hug for me. Karen, I love you, my friend. Raka, hope you are well sorry you lost your money. I miss you.

Before you act or speak, think " will what I am about to do bring me peace?" Be kind to one another.

Blessings

What Would You Do...?

2007-09-14T16:58:00.000-07:00

What would you do if you had the nerve? Would you take on some fantastic adventure? If you had unlimited financial resources and time, what would you choose to do with it? Jon has left on his adventure to ride his motorcycle across country and said he will keep going until he runs out of money. Way to go Jon! Safe trip and I hope you find what you are looking for.

I think I would go in search of Ron Perlman, of course. Try to get into a movie or something. I am fairly fearless when it comes to adventures- I will take on any kind of dare, just to prove to myself that I can do it. How many crazy horses have I ridden and tamed. And remember when I was the bait to get Ringeye into the cattle chute? This time last year, I was ready to get up and go. Run. Escape. Not from my wonderful husband, of course, but from my boredom and feelings of uselessness. I have learned a lot since then.

Reflecting back, losing Brandy was so hard for me. But I was glad that she left on her own terms, and that we got the opportunity to tell her how much she meant to us. I remember holding her paw and telling her what a great friend she was, and how she seemed to understand what I was saying. I have no regrets there. And now with Annie, there is the joy and wonder of living life all over again.

I think we get to a point where we get stuck in the familiar, in our comfprt zones, and are unaware that there is so much more out there. Or we are unwilling to shake things up and change. On one hand, I am a creature of habit and am most comfortable if everything is in its place and in order. But there is another part of me that thrives on adventure and new beginnings. For example, at the beginning of this year, I felt the change in my heart and soul, and knew that I was evolving into a new person. That I was discarding thoughts and feelings that had haunted me for a long time, and opening up to all the new wonderful possibilities out there. I find that I have fallen back into the old proverbial rut somewhat, but I am aware of that, and willing to do something about it. Change is in the air my friends. Just keep your fingers crossed for me and send me your best wishes. I need to get back on the ball and start working out and exercising and remove some stagnant feelings. The pull to escape the "same old" started a couple of weeks ago, after I realized I was getting burned out. I got my hair cut real short and got lots of complients. We got high speed internet (finally!). We got a new phone with an answering machine that actually works. Annie joined our family. And my soul has been calling out for some real quality "food". Now, if things just fall into place, I may just find myself right where I belong. Life is an adventure, my friends.

One of my friends is going on an adventure of her own, and I cant wait to get the details of that. Have a wonderful time and a safe trip, and I hope you get to do all the things you want to do.

Its getting dark and the wind is blowing. The curtains are billowing and flapping and it certainly feels like fall is on its way. Very welcome after such a brutal summer. I think I will close here and go for a quick walk in the woods.

Peace to all.

Rain!!

2007-09-09T07:35:00.000-07:00

Well, it is finally raining. Blessed, blessed, rain. We have been waiting for this moment for a long long time. Last night the beautiful wet drops began, at times it rained quite hard. Then throughout the night it continued and into the morning. I went out to get the newspaper and it was wonderfully silent, as a rainy Sunday morning should be. I felt the cool misty rain caressing my skin, and the only sound was that of the raindrops spattering on the leaves of the trees. The cows are standing right outside my window and are visibly relieved. It must feel wonderful to be bathed in the cool mist after being baked in the sun and dust for the last two months. Such a relief.

By the time fall comes around, I am usually ready to embrace it with open arms. But never so much as this year, after the months of 90 degree weather and drought. I so look forward to the cool crispness in the air and the beautiful colors of the fall season. Of course this year there will be few colorful displays from the trees, as the heat and drought has all but exhausted them,their leaves already crisp and brown. It is such a joy to walk in the woods in the fall and hear the crunch of leaves underfoot, to search for the nuts that the squirrels have not yet discovered. Finally, it feels as if relief from the weather is here.

Saturday was a wonderful day. We went to Sunman and were pleasantly surprised with the quality and amount of the hay in the field. We could actually get a second cutting if we want to go out there. Afterwards we just drove around the back roads looking for some farmland for sale and exploring the neighborhood. Then we went to lunch and shopping(!). Chip bought me a cute sweater for around the house. Then home to relax. It was a really nice day. Now today is raining so perhaps we can hang out and watch a movie. I still have to watch the second season of Magnificent Seven. Can't believe that I havent watched every episode a thousand times yet. But the dvd's that Pat sent me have kept me busy. The day they came in the mail, Chip and I watched 6 hours of Ron Perlman! Together! How cool is that!

Even though it is raining and everyone is relieved, it is very humid out there. I am sitting here sweating. Probably after I have finished blogging, I will finish cleaning the house and then take a cool shower.

Oh, I forgot to write about my purple hair. Well, its really auburn, I guess, but it sure looks purple to me. Karen and I went shopping for some dye, and she picked out the color for me. I thought it would be pretty too, but once it was on it was a real shocker. Oh well, it's fun and I like being adventurous. Now that I am 40, I might as well have some fun. I am thinking of getting my belly button pierced, too. Not positive about that one yet. Perhaps after I have accomplished some of the other things on my list.

Can't say enough about how wonderful yesterday was. It was just a really great day. And I have a couple of books that I am looking forward to reading that may give me some new ideas for my search for purpose. I really, really want to work somewhere where I feel like I am helping people.

Karen is at a craft show and I hope she is selling lots of stuff and getting her name out there, so when she and her sister-in-law open their business, lots of people will go there.

I am going to try Yahoo again and see if Raka is online for a chat. It hasn't been working lately and I processed an update so maybe now I will get my messages.

Also, think I will go for a walk in the wet woods today. It is wonderful to come home from bing out in the rain and get dry and cozy and settle in with a cup of tea and a good book.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Musings

2007-09-07T17:33:00.000-07:00

Ho Hum.. You know, when you cease to care, it's time to move on. Sometimes you just need to tell yourself that things are just not worth the drama and pain. I enjoy my work to some extent, and if I were left alone to do it and had no real problems, I would be fairly fulfilled. But I realize that there is no future there for me. I am not really conrtibuting anything to the community or doing anything altruistic there. The people are driving me nuts. There is so much negativity going on there and so many people with poor work ethics, that the morale is down the toilet. Much as I try to be upbeat and not allow the situation to bother me, I find myself constantly being dragged down with the rest of them. Aughhhh. When will I find meaningful, fulfilling, fun work? Don't I deserve to be happy and respected at work? Purpose, where is my purpose? I barely have the time to think any more, I am getting home so late and am so tired every day. I need time to relax and think, to walk and commune with nature.

A local farmer called tonight to let us know he would reserve some corn shalk bales for us. THe cows like them and since hay is quite scarce, we will take what we can get. If it means getting through the winter, I am willing to buy as many as we need. Its about time to sell the calves too and that will be a load off.

Annie is growing like crazy. She is almost as big as Whitey now and had mastered the going outside to potty thing and is getting along well with Kiki now. But she still is doing the biting thing and we have the scars to prove it. She is a smart girl, but she needs to settle down some. Maybe tomorrow I will take her out and play with her in the back yard. She is still too little to really get the concept of sit and down, but she understands fetch. When the kids came over last Sunday, she played soccer with them and had a real ball ( pun intended). I love to see her growing and learning and enjoying life. Bran still comes to mind and the ache is still there, but I feel her presence more strongly than ever and wonder....

Raka's birthday was yesterday. 20 years old now! She is exactly half as old as me. UGH! I remember 20. Honestly, life just gets better with each passing year. You just have to know how to take it and learn from it and enjoy it and gain wisdom. I had a really bad year last year, and don't ever want to revisit that again, but I learned a lot about myself through that darkness, and have grown from it. And of course, the year before with the bank. I got through that. That's why this blog is so important to me. I can follow my progress through the posts and see how I have grown. Friends have been an important part of my life for the last few months, I had actually begun to feel as if I belonged. Always a loner, I was skeptical of friendships, having never really found one that was true and complete. It is so hard to trust again, to put aside the fear of being betrayed and hurt. I have learned a lot over the last few months.

My dad is doing so much better. Back from the hospital and looking pretty good. I worry that he will try to do too much. We offer to do anything they need us to do, but I know that they hesitate to ask for help because 1) they are proud and don't want to admit they need help, and 2) they know how busy we are and that we are constantly working on some project or another trying to keep our heads above water. We just have to keep a close eye on them and be sure that they don't over do it.

Looking forward to the weekend. I will clean up the house tomorrow and maybe take a walk with the puppy. I got some books from the library and was hoping we would get a thunderstorm so I could sit on the patio and read. Well, whatever. But I am going to relax some.

Its getting late and I am a bit sore. My back has been hurting all week and I have this miserable cough that wont go away. Maybe I will crawl into bed and read for a while.

Happy Birthday to my dear friend Raka. Wishing all of your dreams come true.

Goodnight everyone. Love one another, and yourselves.

Wacky Weekend

2007-09-03T06:13:00.000-07:00

Yes, it certainly was, and we still have another day to go due to the Labor Day Holiday.
Prudy, Mike and the kids came over last night and it was total chaos. I did nothing but chase children and puppy all over the house doing damage control. Mason was particularly interested in my antique apothacary bottle collection and the lazy susan cabinet with the bottles of liquer. He kept grabbing a Seagrams bottle and pulling it out of the cabinet and I would have to leap up and grab it before he dropped it on his feet and broke it all over the place. Plus everything, and I mean everything went into his mouth. Dog food, dog toys, crayons, nick knacks, tv remote, etc. Then of course he tried to jam his chicken nugget into the vcr. I knew there was a reason I didn't have children. I was so exhausted that I couldn't see straight.

My Dad is doing better and they are talking about releasing him from the hospital today after his dialysis. His blood counts are coming back up to close to normal and he is feeling much better. When I saw him he looked pretty good and seemed to be in great spirits, so I am very thankful for that.

Lots more to say but I need to go and fix breakfast.

Love

Do Ghosts Exist?

2007-08-31T17:34:00.000-07:00

Do ghosts exist? Many people believe so and a lot of them don't. I know people who have seen and experienced ghosts, and are convinced of their existence. Myself, I have experienced something that I believe is a ghostly encounter, and so has Chip. So it really is just a matter of belief, or rather, what one is willing to believe. There are so many stories out there and some of them are true, while a lot of them aren't. Take the Amityville Horror, for example, where the authors swore it was a true story and then later admitted it was made up. But what exactly are ghosts? Are they the spirits of the departed, trying to communicate with the living? Are they just masses of energy that have not transformed yet? Are they malevolent, or benevolent? Or are they just entities that are passing into our dimension from their own. What if there are parallel dimensions through time and space, and people are living out their lives in each one, but in the past or future? And we happen to connect sometimes and experience what we believe are ghosts but may actually be past or future beings? Could this also be what causes "deja-vu"?
So what do you think?

Annie is growing like a weed and I was feeling a little melancholy about it last night. I am so enjoying her puppyhood, as I have wanted a puppy for so long. But it is so much fun to watch her grow and learn and to experience each new adventure through her eyes. She is so full of joy. So much energy. I miss Brandy still, and always will, but not with such an aching, searing pain in my heart like it used to be. She brought us to Annie, Annie is meant to be with us, and I believe that Bran is pleased. Its hard to describe, but my soul feels complete again, like something that was missing is there again.

The weather is getting cooler little by little and soon it will be nice enough to walk. We still have a horrible cold from last week and I feel yucky and out of it, but much better than last weekend when I could barely get out of bed.

Today was month end and I got all the deals NVDR'D and just have to complete two deals and all of them will be done. I am going to work tomorrow so I can finish them up and get a few other month end tasks done, since it's a holiday weekend. That way when I get back to work on Tuesday it will be a lot easier to get finished up and start on the new month.

My father is back in the hospital. He went in yesterday due to internal bleeding and they can't find where it is coming from and going to, only that he is very low on blood. He has recieved three units of blood since last night and says he is feeling better now. We just need to get him back in shape and feeling better. Now that they are living right down the street, it is easier for all of us, and I know he is really enjoying being here on the farm. I pray that he gets better and strong enough to do all the things he wants to do. Get well soon, Dad.

The latest issue of Fangoria has a great article on The Last Winter with Ron Perlman. Not much about Ron in there, but a great interview with Larry Fessenden. Maybe they will interview Ron at a later time. The movie may come out in theaters in September so I have my fingers crossed that it will show here in town and I can finally see Ronnie on the big screen.

Well, as usual, I am getting pretty tired. So much to say, so much to do... I have a lot of hopes in my heart right now, and just keep my fingers crossed, but I can't really talk about it just yet.

Love to all

My Friend

2007-08-28T17:26:00.000-07:00

Normally I haven't had time to post during the week, but tonight I am making an exception. I fear I have hurt a dear friend, not intentionally, but nevertheless. This makes my heart ache, for I would never , ever do anything to hurt her. I have been very busy and self absorbed lately, but that is no excuse if I have been neglecting one of the most important friendships I have ever known.

You mean so much to me, and you are as much a part of my life as anyone I know. I have looked forward to our conversations, to our giving one another advice, sharing our hopes and dreams and fears. You are never unwanted. I will always make time for you, my friend.

I hope you know just how much you mean to me and that you will give our friendship a chance to blossom again. Just last night I was looking up at the sky and gazing at the stars and wondering.....

Things That Make You Go "Hmmmmm...."

2007-08-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

Here we are, on a Sunday morning and I must admit I feel awful. Chip has given me his cold. Now, usually, he is a total baby when it comes to being sick, yet he was a real trooper this week with his cold- going to work each day and not really complaining. Well, for a change, I am being the complainer this weekend. I haven't been this sick in a long time and I don't like it. Yesterday I felt pretty good though as the cold was coming on and I got the whole house clean- all the laundry done, changed the bed sheets, scrubbed the bathtub and shower (!) , vacuumed and mopped all the floors, dusted, cleaned the refridgerator - well, you get it. Lots done. So at least that gives me a good excuse to lay around the rest of the day and be sick and foul tempered.

Around 3:00 we decided to go get some lunch ( bless his heart, Chip didn't want me to have to cook) and then stopped to rent some movies and get a few things at the grocery. We got a couple of pints of ice cream, he got Peanut Butter Chip and I got Black Raspberry Chip, and then went home with our "comfort" packages. The ice cream went down so fast I didn't know that I had eaten my whole pint. Well, so much for the diet, but it did make my throat feel a lot better. The stuff we got is nowhere near as good a Graeters, though.

That brings me to Harry. Tomorrow is his birthday and we have a great surprise planned for him. He is always buying us stuff and not taking any money for it, so we started a "Harry Fund" where we contributed the cost with the idea that we would use it to get him something nice for his birthday. Well, two months later and we have a pretty good sum, so we got him a gift card for his favorite resturant and Karen is picking up a chocolate mousse cake ( from Graeters of course), and Sally and I are baking cakes for him today, and we are decorating his office tomorrow morning. So this will be fun and I hope he is surprised .

Raka was not online for our chat Sunday ( unless I missed her somehow or my internet was acting up again) and she hasn't returned any of my emails. I hope she is ok, that is my main concern. But also I hope that she has not decided that she does not like me anymore. I can't imagine what I could have done to offend her, but I worry all the same. I am feeling a little abandoned here, by my friends both in the blogosphere and in my own neighborhood. Sigh. But Pat emailed me and let me know she got the dvd I sent her. I hope she enjoys it. She is actually the first person to mail me at my new address.

Being sick makes you a little needy, I guess :)

Annie is really coming along nicely. She went off yesterday to sleep in her favorite spot- behind the toilet. Yeah, well, I keep it clean in there so I guess thats ok, and besides, pretty soon she will be too big to fit in there. She has doubled in size, as I had mentioned, and her attitude has really gotten fun. She has a real personality, our girl. We are teaching her not to bite ( Chip came up with the method) and it is working very well. She is calming down and listening better.

Maybe later today I will feel like going to the farm to check the horses. We have to go get some protein tubs for the cows and if its not too hot I will go out and find them and give them a treat. It has just been so blasted hot out there.

Well, I feel really satisfed with my cleaning adventures yesterday. I am really compulsive about that. My house is by no means spotless, if so I would go totally insane trying to keep it that way with the animals and the farm and all. But I love to keep it tidy.

Well, I think I will go and blow my nose. Be well out there and always be kind to one another.

Life With Annie

2007-08-24T16:41:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, it's been nearly 3 weeks and Annie has firmly planted herself into our hearts. I never doubted our choice once we had picked her up and taken her home, and I also never knew that I would fall in love so hard and fast. "You'll be reserved", I told myself. "No one will ever replace Brandy in your heart." So true. Yet I have discovered that there is a whole new place in my heart where Annie belongs. The other night , Annie and I walked to Brandy's garden and we had a chat. This is right, this is good. I feel whole and complete. We have come full circle. Fields of gold my old friend, love forever.

Annie is as smart as a whip and she knows it too. She is now barking to be let outside, and at night she wakes us like clockwork at the same time to relieve herself. ( I am getting used to lack of sleep) Now if she would just learn to settle down and snuggle in bed with us, and not try to eat us up. She is also having a ball following Whitey around and pouncing on Kiki. And she prances around like she just knows she is hot stuff. I still look at her and feel that thrill in my heart at the realization that she truly is here with us. Our puppy.

We got our high speed internet installed last night and I can't believe the difference! Night and day. The above picture downloaded in less than a minute, rather than the usual 30 minutes it used to take. Yeeeeee!! Now I just have to get the email part switched over and tidy things up and we are in good shape.

It is still very hot here. Record heat, no rain. Desert. But the cows seem to be doing ok. People are losing patience with one another due to the weather, tempers flare. Just stay out of my way, people and I'll stay out of yours :)

Work was hard this week. Lots of deals and lots of problems, but I got all caught up for the weekend. Also, sadly, Jon quit this week. Something happened, we are not sure what, but he walked into Kathy's office, handed in his dealer tags and started to cry. He was so choked up he didn't even say goodbye to us. Breaks your heart because he is one of the good guys. Jon, I wish you well in your travels, and know that you will find your purpose and be fulfilled. Travel safely, my friend, God speed.

Plus, things have been a little strained lately there. Frustrations galore. Some people do nothing, while others must take up the slack along with their own full plates. Karen and I have not been as close as we had in the past. We have to be careful what we say, and not spend as much time together as we had been. I remember when we started getting really close and how wonderful it felt to have such a friend. My heart was lifted and I felt like I really belonged. Now we are being watched by jealous eyes and must be discreet. It is as if we are having some torrid affair or something. For God's sake, we are just friends who have a lot in common and get along well, but other peoples feelings are causing us to back away, in order to spare ourselves the drama. I am sad and hurt because I would like us to be like we used to before all of that, like sisters, frick and frack, the Bobbsey twins. We have not gone to lunch, or shopping, and Karen has not been out to visit for a long time now. I miss my Karen Lee Lee. I hope things change so we can do lunch together again like we used to and not have to worry about what so-and-so will have to say about it. Boy, "she" really does get mad when we talk to each other. Its kind of funny in a way.

I got a haircut yesterday and it is quite drastic. I told the girl to cut it a little shorter and easy to care for so she chopped pretty much all of it off, but I kind of like it and it is cool and easy. When I got back to work, the guys in parts were really complimenting me and that felt really good. Men usually don't even notice when you get a haircut, much less comment on it, so I was quite flattered. And when I got home I felt more energetic and refreshed than I had in a long while. As a matter of fact, I had a message on our new answering machine that I had been hoping to receive for months. All I can say right now is "keep your fingers crossed". Plus I cleaned the house last night and it felt relly clean and I felt really relaxed and excited. Ahhh!

Private for Karen: PAPAYA!!!!!

And now I am going out for a walk. I am feeling a little lonely since no one is emailing me lately. Hmmm. Does no one like me anymore?? I hope I still have some friends out there.

Love to you all

Friendship

2007-08-19T07:52:00.000-07:00

How do you define friendship? I mean, what does it really encompass? Is it all about what the other person can do for you? Shouldn't it be about what the two of you do for one another? Should you allow other people to influence your friendships? There are so many levels of friendship, from the casual acquaintence to the very BFF, and so many in between. How often does one find that truly, honestly "best friend"? And what are the repurcussions of such a relationship?

I have been witness to ( and victim of ) many strange relationships that label themselves as friendships. Those that I have been a part of are of no consequence right now, as I am moving past those old hurts. They have been mulled over and over and have been put in their place in my pysche for future reference, and it appears as if I am calling upon them again in some ways,using them as learning experiences and basis on which I can judge and react to the new situations that I am experiencing.

There are some people that I know who have an incredibly disfunctional friendship. They call themselves best friends for life, but continue to use one another and dissappoint each other and really abuse one another. It is all about " what can you do for me?", rather than "what can we do for each other". Ah, yes, now I remember why I am a loner, always leery of a relationship that demands more than the slightest effort. When I have given whole heartedly of myself, it has always been used up and never appreciated. Though I had the purest intentions of true friendship, something always got in the way and for some reason or other I got betrayed. Hmmm. But "the Bank" really did shake my foundation because of that and I think you all who have been following my journey know that I am healing nicely now, thank you :) So it is no wonder that I am being a little cautious again as to protecting my feelings.

Why should we allow what other people think to come between a friendship? Can't we all be friends? I know someone who is experiencing a situation where she is in the middle of a jealous group who want each other all to themselves and detest the thought of "sharing" their friendships. What are they, in the second grade? Cant everyone just get along and be joyful when their friend is having a happy time, whether it includes themself or not? I, for one, am rarely included in any activities, mostly because I cannot take the time away from the farm and my lifestyle. ( or won't) But I am certainly happy when someone I care about does go out and has fun and enjoys themself.

I consider myself to be fiercely loyal, and I am just looking for someone to treat me in the same manner. I will always stick up for a friend, always be there with a strong shoulder, a kind word, encouragement and support. Love and humor. Isn't that what friendship is all about? What say you? I am really looking for your advice here.

Animals are purely selfish and yet can offer unconditional love. I don't believe in unconditional love, though. A person should earn your love and respect and if they do something awful, they are risking losing that love. I will never continue to love someone who constantly walks all over me and uses me.I may choose to forgive and continue the relationship, but I may not. Just like animals, we all have to survive and we learn what works in order to do so with the least amount of effort.

Wow, I am sounding really down, aren't I? Just that this has been on my mind and I need an outlet. And this is a universal dilemma. Everyone has been used before, we all know the hurt it causes. How I wish it werent so, for all our sakes. It is so nice to know people who really have your best interests in mind and want to be your buddy.

The weather is really nice this weekend and I have been cleaning up the yard. It would be really nice to get the place all cleaned up and in tip top shape for fall. Fall is the best time of the year when things start winding down and getting ready for the winter. You begin to feel all nesty and cozy. Annie and I took a walk to see the horses again. And Chip said he saw a huge coyote yesterday running around the farm, so I have to keep a close eye on Annie to be sure she comes to no harm. I stepped on her foot this morning and she cried and limped around and it broke my heart, I was so afraid that I'd hurt her badly. But she is fine and bears me no ill will.

The mornings are brisk and cool and when the sun rises over the treeline, it is pure beauty. This is a wonderful place. Since I am walking again, I am feeling more a part of the place. There is so much beauty here, pure and simple.

I watched Rons appearance at the "Ron con" in 97 and it is great. Pat is so lucky to have been there. God, to be near that man! When I confessed that my dearest dream is to meet him, Pat told me to never give up on those dreams. Thank you , Pat, for the encouragement.

I just had a funny memory. When I was at Butler Tech and Sue was teaching typing, she always got on me for looking at the keyboard and for not keeping my hands in the proper position. And here I am a year and a half later and doing the same thing but typing pretty quickly. Sometimes we have to do things in our own way.

You know, I have made this quite a long post but the words just keep spilling out of me. I must have needed this. That whole friendship thing has been on my mind for a couple of weeks now.
that, plus the actions of others have caused quite a bit of frustrations at work. You know, I am fairly easy going and I don't like all that drama. I just want to come in and do my job and make a difference. We need to find contentment in our own actions and not be concerned by those of others. If so and so is getting away with ( really bad) murder and no one is saying boo to them, well, there is not much I can do about that and why make myself crazy over the injustice of it all, but just continue to make my own art and mind my own business.

Well, I have lots of errands to run, and lots I want to do today. I am waiting for Raka to come online so we can chat before I go do my chores, because I told her that I would be here to talk to her today and I intend to keep my word. Isnt that what friends are for?

Irrational Fears

2007-08-17T17:04:00.001-07:00

There are things we fear that are reasonable and just, and then there are some things we are afraid of that are just really ridiculous. Some fears that make sense would be, losing a loved one , your health, your job, natural disaster etc. Then we have the truly outrageous, and I am prepared to share some with you from my very bizarre childhood.

1) From as early as I can remember, when I was still in a crib, I feared a "boogeyman" who looked a lot like Dracula, who would come into my room and eat my ears, fingers and toes if I was not totally covered with the blanket. I actually believed that I saw him once, thus deepening my fears. I didn't start to uncover my head until I was a young adult.

2) As a teenager, all pointy and sharp things had to be facing away from me, even pencils. If they were pointed in my direction, they might just take off and fly right into me and stab me.

3) A large stuffed horse I had that stood about 3 feet tall was "possessed". At night in the dark, his eyes would glow red.

Probably most of this had to do with the influx of horror movies that came with my generation. We had Friday the 13th, Halloween, The Amityville Horror, Alien, Nightmare on Elm St, etc. I can remember being scared out of my wits after watching some of those, yet I loved them. Now, I am not afraid of the dark ( never was) and actually embrace the unknown ( but not Freddy Kruger).

So, I have bravely bared some of my secrets. Does anyone have any to share?

Wowie, we had a super Ron-a-thon last Saturday. It was incredibly hot and we didn't feel like doing anything. I got the mail and there, tucked into the mailbox was a package from Pat with tons of Ron Perlman footage! She had copied come of his movies and conventions that I had been looking for, and sent them to me. I was in heaven, and Chip enjoyed the movies too. So we lazed around all day and watched the discs and had a great time. It is so exciting to add these to my collection. There are only a few left that I am still looking for. Pat, you are truly an angel. I can never express how much what you did means to me. Thank you my friend!

Annie: What a delight she is! Already she is housetrained, and will just get up and walk outside to go potty. For the most part she sleeps through the night only waking at 2 or 3 and then 6. We need to come up with some games for her to keep her occupied. She has been chewing a lot lately, but that is to be expected. She's teething and its normal for her to bite right now. We are working on getting her past that stage. Its really great to come into the house after a hard days work and have this little fur missile launching itself at you in a frenzy of happiness. I took her for a walk tonight and we went to see the horses. Nothing really unusual happened, the horses seemed unconcerned, and Annie wasn't overly interested in them. She did enjoy the piles of manure though. Ah, life on a farm.

The heat wont quit and it still hasnt rained. Just have to keep praying for some good soakers to get the pastures back in shape. And speaking of back in shape, I am officially on a diet and exercise regime. Now lets see if I can stick to it. I gained some weight back when I started working again, and that really stinks. So as long as I can remember how good it felt to shed those pounds and how great I looked, I should be able to discipline myself.

Finally, signed up for high speed. It will be installed next Thursday, and I am hoping to be able to download and watch things a lot faster. This dial up has really been getting on my nerves and it takes so long to do anything.

Here is a question to my blogger friends:

What kind of features should I be looking for in a new notebook computer? Any suggestions on brands? What do you like or dislike about yours if you have one?

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend. Remember, just let your frustrations go. The only person you have control over is yourself, so concentrate on that and let everything else just roll off your back. Life is meant for joy and happiness, so don't allow others to spoil that.

Love to you all,

Life is Good

2007-08-10T17:55:00.000-07:00

This has been a week to remember. Nothing really incredible happened, just a bunch of little warm fuzzy things that make you feel content and happy. Annie has settled in quite well and I truly believe that she is a puppy genius. It is so amazing to see her little tail wagging 100 miles a minute when she sees us, or when we praise her for going potty outside. And she is still trying to figure Kiki out. Kiki, who doesn't move much, must look like a mountain with fur to Annie and she is intrigued with this black giant. But Kiki doesn't particularly want to bond with Annie and she barks at her and lunges at her a bit, but of course, she has no teeth, so we can truly say her bark is worse than her bite. And Annie just keeps trying to befriend her. She has now taken to barking back with her little yip yip yip voice, and it is just precious to see her racing up to Kiki and nipping at her then jumping back. And she is sleeping through the night for the most part, so thats good. But I still have to get her up at about 2:00 to go out and then again at 5:30. Then its back to bed with us for a snuggle session before we have to get up for work. And you know what? She is totally beautiful, and not afraid of anything. She explores the house with fierce bravery, and my books all say that this is very good.

We had a talk with Brandy at her garden the other night. I feel so much at peace with this new little bundle of love we have been blessed with, and know that we have Bran's blessing as well.It just feels so good, so right. Did fate point us in the right direction? My answer, unequivocally YES!

Work has been neither hard nor stressful lately. Let's hope that it continues this way. Perhaps I am coming into my own now. Even after taking Monday off, I had no stress catching up and getting everything done. This is something to remember. There have been some interesting incidents at work, but none that really have the power to bother me. Compared to the bank, this place is a piece of cake. And I work hard and do my job, so no one should have any complaints.

I am worried about a friend of mine, two friends really. They have both been depressed lately and have definitely got something on their minds. One I have told not to worry, there is plenty of time to find a solution. I realize that I really care for this person and feel committed to helping in any way that I can. This person needs to start being a little more "selfish" and start taking care of their own needs and not worry so much about taking care of other people. I need to realize though that my advice may not be welcome, and I should wait to be invited to offer it.

Do you ever wonder why some people are drawn to you and others repelled? If I am the same person with the same personality, then what makes the difference? Why do some people go out of their way to be nice, and others just don't care? I bet a lot of you have those same questions.

I wonder how many people read this blog? Do people just pull it up randomly and like what they read? How can I improve it? What would they like to know and read about?

Ron Perlman: The Last Winter is set to come out in September. Hopefully it will come to a theatre near us. Can't wait to see. Ronnie on the big screen would be a great thing. Nothing new to report in the way of collectibles. I was able to get a copy of Picture Windows, so that is now added to my list. Wonder how he is doing, now that they are filming HB2. I hope well and happy. God, the man is a great actor.

All of a sudden I am desperately tired and I know I have been blah, blahing on. I think I will go get a nice shower and settle in with a magazine. There are all these words in my heart that I would like to blog about, but they never come out on the screen like I had intended. Well, someday maybe I will strike the right notes and create a work of art.

Love and Peace to you all!

100th Post

2007-08-06T15:24:00.000-07:00

Wow, hard to believe that we are at this milestone on RamblingRonandRon. Seems like just yesterday that I started the blog. It is a record of my achievements, thoughts, adventures, searches for purpose. So many things. In these posts, I have chronicled the words from my heart, have bared my soul, have grieved and healed. I have truly come a long way from this time last year. The journey has been difficult at times ( though my life is as perfect as I can possibly wish for). Being depressed is no fun, nor is being ill. Now I feel strong, well and confident.

Thank you to all the people who have read and commented on these pages. I truly hope you enjoy. There are so many wonderful friends I have made through blogging. You are all very special, and I wish you love, joy, peace, happiness, health and success in all you do. I hope our friendships continue to grow and flourish through the years. Blessings to you all!

Blogging has become a great form of therapy for me. I can express my feelings as if this were a private journal, yet receive feedback from others, and still remain relatively anonymous. I realize that I am becoming less shy and a little more exibitionistic ( is that a word?), and really enjoy it when others read and enjoy my words. I do not want to be self-centered about it, but it is nice to know that some people like to read what I have to say.

Today we picked up Annie and brought her home. She is the sweetest, smartest little puppy!! Hmmm... Bran, is that you?? She pee'd and poo'd ( I am being demure here) as soon as we got home and put her on the grass. Good Girl!! And when we praised her for going, she wagged her little tail with delight. We stopped at PetSmart and got her a bed, some toys, food and a crate. Chip and I were really hesistant about the crate thing because we live on a farm and believe that they should all be free. But for her safety while she is still so little we needed to contain her at times. Well, she loves it! She has crawled in there three times on her own and taken naps. She sleeps for a while and then wakes up and comes bounding out ready to play. Oh Annie, I think you are going to be a great dog.

Welcome Home, Annie:

May I be worthy, God of new beginnings, of this wee one trotting in my wake. I'm already in love with this wriggly ball of fur with milky puppy breath, needle teeth as sharp as exclamation points, growls that sound like bees buzzing, and bright button eyes that've taken my measure in a heartbeat and know me for the infatuated fool I am. Bless us as we explore the world You've set before us. Down on my knees in the wake of a puppy, O God, is a wonderful place to meet You.

Margaret Anne Huffman

taken from the wonderful book, Animal Blessings by June Cotner

Just between you and me God, thank you for all the blessings you have bestowed upon us.

Love to all

Cindy

Busy Weekend

2007-08-05T05:13:00.000-07:00

Today is the family reunion. Its going to be really hot and yucky out, and right now I feel pretty yucky myself. We went to the campsite last night at about 8:30 to play cards and stopped on the way and picked up some beer and pretzels and salami and crackers. Silly me forgot to bring water, so we had a couple of beers and lots of salami. UHG! I feel awful today. All bloated and icky. How do people go out and drink all the time and enjoy it? And that was only after a beer and a half!A drinker, I'm not. Need some coffee.

Last night Valerie and her husband brought their dog Molly and she spent a lot of time with me getting pats. Dogs must know how much I love them. And when Chip got up yesterday, he was perplexed because Whitey didn't come and greet him as usual, so he went outside to look for her, and there she was, standing the fish pond! She must have fallen in sometime and just stood there until he rescued her. Poor Whitey. So she got a nice bath, which she usually hates but was very good about this time, and I got the scissors and trimmed her up. Please, don't anyone ever let me cut your hair. If you saw Whitey, you would know exactly what I mean.

Paula called last night and said that Annie was to the vet and is ready to come home! I am so excited! Chip said, "isn't it a little early?" , but the breeder said that they were weaned, on regular food, and the vet cleared them to go home. I didn't want to have her keep the pup another week if her mommy isn't going to be near her and all her brothers and sisters are gone. So, I thought, "I know what I'll do!. I have to call Karen and tell her the great news." When Karen answered the phone she was at a resturaunt, and was distracted and couldn't hear me very well. When I told her the good news, guess what? She said the same thing as Chip! Thanks guys. Way to bum out a great time for Cindy. But anyway, just joking. I know they have my best interests ( and Annies) at heart. So I got out all my dog veterinary books and read up on weaning and the best time to bring home a new puppy, and we are ok, she is not too early.

But I did want to call Karen right away and let her know because she is my good friend and I want to share everything with her. Plus I have been a little distracted myself the last few days, with everything on my mind and with month end we haven't had a lot of time to just chat and have fun. Karen was able to show me how to do some of her busy work and I had time to help her on Friday a little bit. Karen, your friendship means so much to me. Normally, I am a loner. People have been cruel to me at times in my life and it has caused me to not trust. A bad trait of mine is that I give people way too much credit right off the bat without getting to know the real them. Then they end up disappointing me or worse. My fault, their fault or both? Don't know. But with Karen, I felt a bond, decided to open up and let her in, and we are having lots of fun.Its great when she comes over to ride Shadow and we get to just chat and hang out- stuff that normal people do all the time. Work has been so frustrating with some things that are going on and we need to stick together to keep our sanity. Not bad stuff for us really, just that some people are getting away with playing all day and being on MySpace, and not doing their work and no one is saying peep to them, while we are all working and picking up the slack and feeling used and abused. The best thing for our sanity is just to worry about ourselves and do our best and not worry about what other people are doing. But it sure is nice to have a friend at work, who shares your same interests and really seems to care about you :)

So today is going to be very busy and we will be at the reunion all day, and then tomorrow we will pick up Annie and go get her some supplies. We did think we'd have another week to get everything together, but like I said, I am not going to let her stay at the breeders all alone. Time to come home Annie.

Really been rambling all over the board today in this post, but I am pretty excited, and feeling nostalgic. And a little scared too. I hope Annie loves us and is happy here.

So, off to fix breakfast for my man! Love to everyone,

Cindy

Exciting Week

2007-08-03T17:28:00.000-07:00

This week has been full of everything and nothing. Sunday Karen came over and we got Shadow and saddled him up for her and she got on him and they just took off like she has been riding all her life. Great job, Karen and Shadow. Now I have someone to ride with.

I wonder if Karen minds that I mention her so often in my blog? I guess she would say so if she did. Hope you don't mind, friend, cause you are a big part of my life. After riding, we walked down to the farm to get Chip and go back for lunch. We grilled some burgers and sat around and talked (read: complained ) haa haa. Karen gave me a beautiful horse charm that I put on my rearview mirror for good luck. She and Zoey also got a present for Annie already. Hope you come back out soon, Karen Leelee.

Pat is going to copy some of the Ron Perlman movies that I have been looking for forever and just can't find. I am so excited about that!! My goal is to own all of Ron's movies and as many magazine articles and collectibles that I can. Of course the biggest goal is to meet him. Sigh!
Pat, you are wonderful to do this for me and it means so much. And Nancy is going to copy Rons episode of Picture Windows for us so I can send that to Pat for her collection, too. Its a lot of fun sharing! Golly, Ron, you sure have some great fans out there. I so wish he would come to a convention close so I could get to meet him.

Work was amazing this week. It was month end and everything went so well that I had no stress whatsoever! Woo Hoo! As the months go by, I get faster and more confident, and things seem to get easier. When you think about it, I have learned quite a bit in the last few months and picked up a few new skills ( and a really great friend ). Even Pete has been acknowledging me lately, engaging me in conversation and whatnot. I think he appreciates the fact that I admitted to him this week that I had made a mistake of sorts, so he wouldn't blame Dan for it. There was a deal that I put to the side and held off processing because I couldn't get an incentive to go through and was giving it a couple of days to reset in the system. So it looked like Dan had turned it in late, and he would have been in trouble, but I told Pete that it was entirely my fault and explained to him why it was late. Maybe he knows that I am a good worker and just want to do the best job for him, and is beginning to trust me and my abilities now. And I was able to get caught up on all my month end stuff and all, so I am taking Monday off!!

The family reunion is Sunday and Chip is going to take Monday off and wants me to join him, so that is what I am going to do. Its going to be a real scorcher this weekend and probably will not be very comfortable at the campground, so we will be able to use Monday to rest from the weekend activities.

Really getting excited about Annie. I couldn't hardly sleep last weekend thinking about her, but have calmed down a little since. Two more weeks. There is a peaceful feeling about the whole thing, so I know it is right. Bran, I know we have your blessing. If Annie is half the dog you were, we are very lucky indeed. My Golden Girl.

Have you noticed how hard it is to not use the word "I"? It sounds so self-absorbed to continually use I "this" or I "that" but it is hard to express yourself in any other way. And since this is a personal account of my life, it has to be about me :) Haven't had much time at all to do any deep thinking or real soul searching. Tonight I am so tired that I am just blogging, then taking a cool shower and then probably bed. The house can wait till tomorrow to get cleaned.

Karen and I are going on a diet starting Tuesday. Harry brought us all Graeters ice cream this week and we are getting fat. ( well, I am anyway. Karen is a beanploe) Just going to have to really watch our eating and start working out and be committed to it.

So, hope everyone has a great weekend. Love one another and be kind.

Love Cindy

Happy Birthday Chip!

2007-07-29T05:02:00.000-07:00

Today is Chips birthday, so this post is dedicated to him, the love of my life. Happy Happy Birthday to you, my love, and many many more. You are my best friend, mentor, confidante, partner and so many more wonderful things. Life just keeps getting better and better everyday because of you and your wit, wisdom, love and support. I love the way you feel about the animals, about keeping promises, being loyal. I wish for you all the wonderful things you desire, and know that together we will make them all come true. You are truly the most wonderful man in the world! I love you!

We had a "surprise" party for Chip yesterday, in the guise of a family reunion committee meeting. Amy brought pizzas, and gave Chip a shot glass on a necklace and a drink cozy. Bonnie gave him the cutest card that sings. Al and Nancy came over and gave him a package of chamois cloths and some wax for his new tractor. So we had pizza and cake and sang Happy Birthday to him and he really did enjoy the day. Then the guys all went out to talk about the tractor, and us girls sat and talked. I was really glad to see Al and Nancy come over and spend some time. Then the kids came back and they had little Jessica on Ringer. We couldn't figure out what they were leading her with, and here, Hannah had found an old bridle in the tack room. They couldn't figure out how to get it on her so they just looped the reins around Ringers neck and led her up to the house. Good job girls, but you are very lucky that Jess didn't get hurt. So we got Shadow out and saddled him up and rode for a bit. I wanted to use Shadow since Karen is coming over today to ride and I want him to get used to it. After everyone left, we had the evening to ourselves. So it was a good day and he really enjoyed all the attention.

And today is a new day and Karen is coming over and we will cook out and have a great time, yes we will. Have to go and meet Karen now, but will be back later with an update on the day.
Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Annie

2007-07-27T17:28:00.000-07:00

Welcome everyone! And welcome to the family my little Annie, dear. You all know that for a long time now I have been wanting a Golden Retriever puppy, and tonight my dream has come true. But let me start at the beginning...

Yesterday, Megan came into the office saying " Cindy, Look!" and she was holding a golden puppy. I nearly flew across the room to get to her. A customer had got her two days earlier and brought her in. She let me hold her, but I could tell that the puppy was not well. She was listless and her coat was dull and scabby. Then the lady decided to tell me she had lice. Yuck. And here I was holding her. But , just like with somebodys kid, you cant recoil in horror and thow it back at them, so I kept cuddling her and talking to her. They were really nice people and I know they will take good care of her and she will be fine, but I didn't want to get involved with a sick litter. Harry walked by and I told him I was looking for a golden and he said he would get the name of the people he bought his dog from. Well, later that night, Karen called me and emailed me and said that Harry called her and he had stopped and talked to the people and they had a brand new litter they were selling. So today I met Chip for lunch and told him about it and he said we could go tonight and look. So when I got back to work, I called and set an appointment and we went at 6:00 to see them.

First, I have had the name Annie for a few months now. It just came to me out of the blue and I knew that that was the right name. When we got there, Chip noticed the first cage in the room and it had the name "Annie" on it! How wierd is that. In fact while I am writing this, I am overcome with the feeling that this is absolutely RIGHT.So it turns out that the pups mommy is named Annie. Hmmmmm.

Well, the lady pulled out three females, two light and one dark. I really like the in-between, not too light and not too dark, but the darker one was really the prettiest. Right away I decided against one of the lighter ones-she just didn't have any personality. But the other light one kind of spoke to me. Chip was holding the dark one and I could tell he really liked her. Then we switched and once I held the dark one I felt it too. But I still liked the light one and thought I saw a little of Brandy in her. I was just so confused! Then we put the pups back in their box and let mom in to feed them and after that I watched them some more and the light one was so timy next to the others and I started leaning for the darker one. Really, I was hoping that she would jump right out at me and pretty much say "it's me! take me home", but she didn't . And after all, she is just 25 days old. So even though I didn't have that BAM! revelation, I did know that I wanted that puppy. On the way home I told that to Chip and he said, "well. maybe Brandy was waiting to see which one you picked so she could become that one". So that clinches it.

Bran... I do hope that that is what you are doing. I miss you so much. You know that no one will ever replace you in my heart. You were my once in a lifetime dog. I will love you always, my dearest friend.I know by the signs that you have given me over the last few months that you are ok with this, and that I am doing the right thing.Forever, my friend.

Ok, ok. This is really a happy moment. I feel great emotions right now, but not necessarily guilt, like I thought I would. Its really exciting. And the signs, come on people! It couldn't be any clearer if it hit me over the head. This is right.

Also, tomorrow most of the Lukens are coming over for a family reunion planning committee meeting. Somehow our house got volunteered to host. So I have to go now and clean for the people. Also it is going to be a surprise party for Chip, his birthday is Sunday. So that should be fun, and I think he will be surprised. And Sunday Karen is coming over, and that is going to be really fun. We are going to ride Shadow and maybe I will saddle up Rusty as well. We will see how he behaves. So it is already 9:00 and I have a lot of cleaning to do, but, also feel like I have cleansed my soul on these pages tonight. Oh, it feels so good! What do you all think?

To all of you, my friends, best wishes and lots of love.

Cindy

Serendipity

2007-07-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh. The title says it all. This has been quite a wonderful week for me in many ways. The weather is beautiful, work has been fun and non stressful, and Chip has been super romantic. Wednesday morning we had a discussion about the puppy and he said I should start looking for a good breeder and asked what I was looking for exactly and what my expectations were. I was floored! So on to work I went to share the good news with the girls. That evening when I got home, he had bought me a bouquet of flowers ( purple and pink ) and a card! Wow. We didn't discuss puppies any more until last night. We decided to go to Larosa's ( we hardly EVER go out to eat) and get some Italian. We had a coupon for a free dessert because of Chips birthday, and had to eat in to redeem it. Then the waitress gave me the wrong pizza by mistake and so we got an extra pizza for free. The dessert was fabulous! Chocolate fudge brownies with Graeter's Raspberry chip ice cream. Three words.. OH MY GOD! So when I paid, I handed her my Discover card with the golden retrievers on it, by mistake because they don't accept Discover. She commented on how cute the card was and that she loves Goldens and has them herself. So of course we asked if she knew any good breeders and as it happens, she is friends with someone nearby who breeds. She gave us her phone number and said to call her and she will get me the information. Plus, her story was that she got her first golden as a college student, and that is how Brandy came to us, a young girl had her and couldn't keep her in her dorm room. The similiarities were boggling. A sign, do you think??

I do feel excited about this, but little scared too. Will we find the right one? Will she find us? Brandy will show us the way.

It is one of those days where I feel extremely greatful for all the gifts in my life. A wonderful loving husband, great animal companions, great friends both in person and on the web, a fantastic lifestyle that I love and respect. So often we look at others and are envious of their lives and the things they possess. Happily, I am content. There is no where else that I'd rather be. Ok, maybe on a movie set with Ron Perlman, at a beach, but other than that :)

The outdoors is calling me to come out and play, and I must heed the call. A good brisk walk around the place will be a perfect close for the day, don't you think? To all of you out there, blessings and love and happiness.

Bovine Communication

2007-07-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

Clara was napping in the shade beneath the big oak trees in the woods when I walked up on her and the rest of the herd. She looked up sleepily and rose to her feet when she realized I was amongst them. Then she did the most amazing thing, proving that cows are not as dumb as you may think. She jumped up and pointed herself in the direction of the house, mooed, and started walking away from me. Nothing odd there, right? Usually a cow will try to psych you out and lead you away from her hidden calf by looking in the opposite direction of where she has put it. But this cow started walking and lowing and led me right to her calf. Then she stopped and looked at me as if to say " well, there she is, now do something". So I ran to the house and got the bottle and milk and a halter and ran back to feed the calf, knowing that Clara does not have very much milk herself to offer. When I returned, Clara walked over to me and smelled the bottle. She is not the friendliest of cows, and usually will go out of her way to avoid you, so this was also very interesting to me. But then the calf got startled and started to bolt off, so Clara chased after her and I went on down to the barn to get some sweet feed for Clara. By the time I got back, Clara had rejoined the herd and even though I tried to treat her with the feed, she was not able to eat it because the other cows started milling around wanting the food. So I will have to try again later to get the calf some milk. She seems to be doing quite nicely herself though, so hopefully she is getting enough.

Ron Perlman : Big week there. Got Beauty and the Beast season 2. and Acts of Contrition. And got to watch Acts..., and Hellboy Blood and Iron last night. Yay, a Ron-a-Thon! Golly, I love that man. Pat emailed me this week to let me know that Ron is not in Crime and Punishment, so I don't have to worry about getting that dvd. I was really flattered that she mailed me to let me know. She even watched it again to be certain. Will I get to meet you Ron? And what then?We all know that my fantasy is to work with him. Will that ever happen? Right now I am just enjoying the journey.

Going to go now and cut the grass. I need to get my chores done so I can relax later and read. I am feeling a bit philosophical lately and am reading this book called Happier by Tal- Ben Shahar. It is very technical, not an easy read, but interesting none the less. And it had lots of exercises to do so you can find your own happiness. So you all have a great day!

A Lucky Day

2007-07-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

Today is Friday the 13th, typically considered a day of bad luck, however, I have always had reasonably good luck on the day. Today was no exception. First, work went very well. I got all caught up and loose ends all tied up. Very satisfying to start the weekend with a clean slate.

Decided to forgo blogging and take a walk this evening instead. You see, the weather is beautiful and I feel free since I got so much done today. There is nothing dismal hanging over my head and I decided to celebrate the wonderful feeling. Walked a little, picked some blackberries, chased a few rabbits, looked for the cows. Clara, the oldest cow was missing and I was a little afraid of what I might find, but I found her, and her new baby! Clara doesn't have a lot of milk, so we are going to feed her some special stuff and give the baby a bottle tomorrow. Gotta treat the old lady well. Then when I walked back down to the creek, I found the skeleton of a young buck. Must have died in the creek. Sad, but quite interesting.

You know how early on in my blog I was skeptical of friends because I had been betrayed and hurt recently? Well, I am really opening my heart and trusting again. We have my long distance friendship with Raka, who always comes through for me, and brightens my day whenever she contacts me. She is young and beautiful and adventurous and fun, and smart and I love hearing about her life. And we have Karen, who is so much like me. We have been teasing the last couple of days that we will be together as little old ladies and I will be her eyes and she will be my ears ( she can't see so well and I can't hear so well) and we will toddle along together with our really old dogs by our sides. Well, it has never felt so right to me, to have such a friend. It is like we are soul mates and have finally hooked up after 40 years. I have not dared to care about someone, to give my heart to someone , in such a long time for fear of betrayal, yet I am compelled to do so with Karen. I am not talking about it in a romantic way, of course, but in a deep loving friend kind of way. It is hard to take a chance and care about someone again, but I have faith in her and hope that she feels the same. That is what is so hard about letting your guard down with someone, is they have the power to hurt you, and you have to trust that they won't. Sometimes it is important enough to give it a try.

After all, I am being adventurous. It was really neat picking through the deer remains and piecing together the skeleton. I put the skull and jawbones on the windowsill of the barn to show Chip tomorrow. And maybe I will go for a quick ride on Shadow or Rusty tomorrow. But first I really should wash the Mustang. And mow the lawn.

Chips new tractor came home last night. It sure is purty! Tomorrow he is gonna drive it some. So that is his birthday present this year. I took a couple of pictures of it so maybe I will post one on the blog tomorrow.

Its getting pretty late and I need to get a shower. I want Karen and Raka and all my blogger friends to know how much you all mean to me, and peace and love to you all!

2007-07-08T06:34:00.000-07:00

What a glorious day it is today. Aside from the fact that it's getting a bit hot out, and quickly at that, the weather is beautiful. Chip had to work at Camco today and I decided to come along for the ride. I love going along with him on Saturday's when he has to work because we get to have a nice little ride together. Sure, I have to sit in the truck most of the day, but it i a great time to think and reflect. I could have gone in to work today, but this is so much better and I think Chip enjoys having me along. And if I stayed at home, I would just read or watch tv and clean, so this way I can just chill and relax with no distractions. That's what weekends are supposed to be for any way, right?

Driving out through Kentucky, I realize that the country we live in is not so much country after all. Sure, we have a farm in a semi-rural area, but the city is so close by - there are way too many people. How great would it be to have thousands of acres and live in a small, close knit community?

The little voice in my head has quieted its calling a bit now that I am working again, but it's still there, whispering to me from time to time to "make a difference". I guess now I am just so busy that I barely have the time to listen to it.

It takes time though. I feel a much deeper calm, more centered and grounded than I did this time last year. And I have made quite a few accomplishments, too. It is really great to learn new things and conquer old fears. This time last year I was not a Master in Microsoft, was not a Notary, was not a title clerk, had not lost 10 pounds, learned to drive a stick, had not met some very special people who now are so important to me - Raka and Karen. All of these accomplishments involved some degree of hard work and courage. And what does the future hold for me?? I know that I am learning to juggle, want to ride a mechanical bull, walk on fire. I would like to really start riding again, maybe get a really nice little horse that Syd and Karen could ride so we could ride together, maybe get Chip to ride with us too. Well, we will see. All I know is that things are so much better today than this time last year. Thank you, Lord. I hope that our lives just continue to get better and better and more loving and joyous all the time. There is still a lot more to learn, lots of new adventures to have, and I hope that it is that way for all of you, too.

Blessings to all!

The Key, The Buzzards, and The Hidden Treasure

2007-07-06T17:47:00.001-07:00

Hi everybody, I'm baaackkk. This weekend and week have been tremendously busy and this is the first chance I have gotten to sit down and blog.

Saturday was very exciting. John came over and Claire came along. He towed out the small trailer, and we brought along the big trailer and we went to Sunman to pick up the farm equipment and the hay. It was a stunningly beautiful day and we got so much done!! Claire was put in charge of lunch and she decided on Dairy Queen, which she had never had before. We took our first trip, loaded the cutter and a load of hay ( we got 10 bales on the load !!) and came back home. Then we got lunch, Claire and I went to pick up burgers, but we decided to do the ice cream later. After our pic-i-nic we were off again. This time, the guys were doing all the work and Claire and I decided to go exploring. We went up to the old house and waded our way through the weeds ( and poison ivy) and found a way in. The windows were all broken out but we made plans to come back and fix the place up and make a clubhouse out of it. A white furry rug and purple paint anybody?? Cool!! Clair was looking at the stuff on the floor and found a key, a very old one that was all rusted and we started to imagine what the key opened. Then we went over to the big barn and I said it smelled like something dead in there. We opened the door and a white fuzzy thing went scuttling by. At first I thought it was a possum, but when we got inside we saw that it was huge baby buzzards! And I mean huge. Big as turkeys. They were making this wierd hissing sound but they were terrified and huddled in the corner, so we took some pictures and then left and got John to come see. So here's what we think..... The key opens a hidden treasure chest, and it is probably being protected by the buzzards. Or the next clue in where to find the treasure ( a map perhaps) , is what they are protecting, and we have to find a way to distract them and find the clues and the map and the hidden treasure. Oh boy! What will be in the chest when we find it?? What do you think??

Anyway, it was great fun. And after John and Claire went home, Chip and I made another trip. So it was quite late by the time we got back and we were exhausted. Then Sunday we did the same thing, bringing home the rest of the hay and Bella. Yay, Bella is back home. That is the mose gruelling part of the whole trip, taking her on the trailer. She is quite large and the phone lines seem quite low when you are going under them :) It really is so nice to have everything back home again. So that was the weekend and it was busy!

Then Monday was month end and you would have been so proud of me! 21 deals came in that day, and more after that. But I did not freak. I just took one at a time and got them done. Then I did the inventories and the other month end stuff. Then Wednesday was the 4th of July so we had the day off and got the grass cut and the yard looking great. So Yesterday I got to finish June stuff and today I started on July. I got pretty much done, but I have to go to jury duty next week so I am not sure how much work I will get done then. But no sweat. I am only human and can only do what I can do. I worked 14 hour days all week, and that is pretty dedicated if you ask me. So I think I am learning to chill out and not drive myself to the point of insanity. This is a really good thing and I need to remember it, because I have been calmer and more centered this week than since I started working there. The whole point is to enjoy myself, not drive myself crazy. Remember this.

Also, Karen had a bad week this week. It seemed like everyone was picking on her, and there was nothing I could do about it. Kathy yelled at her for nothing, Jemar blamed her for doing something wrong that was really his fault, she WAS doing it right, and he was wrong. Pete went off a couple of times about a deal that had nothing to do with her, it was my deal and the guys had taken it back and forgotten about it amidst month end stuff. But they kept yelling that she had lost some paperwork and no one would listen to us telling them that it was that deal they had taken. So I felt real bad for her this week, cause she sure works harder than anybody there and doesn't deserve that. She needs to be treated with respect and kindness and appreciation. But I don't think anyone shows appreciation anymore. Well I appreciate you, Karen. And so does Harry. Harry is such a great person. He bought us lunch today and wouldn't let us pay him back. I know he gets pleasure from taking care of people, but he needs to know how much people love and appreciate him, too.Well, we will think of something.

So I have been rambling again. Its getting late and I think I will go out and see what Chip is up to. Everyone have a great weekend, and take care of each other.

Love

The Rains Have Come

2007-06-29T17:12:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness the rain has arrived again. Last night it stormed like crazy and while driving home on the expressway, I couldn't see a thing in front of me. I must admit it was terrifying, but thankfully I got home ok. I hope that everyone else got home with no problems too. So now the ground had gotten a good soaking and the plants are happy again. Now lets hope that the grass begins to grow like crazy and we get another cutting of hay.

We are going to go pick up the hay and equipment this weekend. John is coming over at 8:00 in the morning tomorrow to help us. I am really excited about it because we will have a little ( big ) field trip and get our work done. Maybe he will bring the girls with him. Of course this will be lots of hard work so they may not want to come because it really won't be fun for them. But we'll see. I really enjoy hard work when you are accomplishing something. It is nice to get physical and flex your muscles, and that is something I really need to do. Just sitting in that office all day is making me fat! ( well, I guess its all the eating I am doing that is really doing it ). Will try to get some pictures of the hay in the field to post here.

We were talking the other day about flowers and I told the girls how Chip used to put a rose on my windshield once in a while to surprise me at work. Karen said no one ever did that for her, so yesterday I went and got a purple carnation ( she said that was her favorite) and had Harry put it on her windshield. That way when she asked me about it I could honestly say that I did not put flowers on her windshield. Well, she got the flowers and they must have made her happy and today when I got there she was talking about the flowers and I acted like " what are you talking about, I didn't out any flowers on your car". She made me pinky swear that I didn't do it and then she knew I wouldn't lie to her so she couldn't figure it out. It was so much fun to see the look on her face when she was trying to figure out who put flowers on her car. Then she asked me if i BOUGHT the flowers and she had me. I cannot tell a lie. But it was a lot of fun. And Harry got a kick out of it too because he really cares a lot about Karen too. He is such a great guy. Somewhere out there is a guy just like that just waiting for Karen to discover him. Can't wait till she does and finds so much happiness.

Been thinking a lot about a puppy again. Is it time, or isn't it? But if it is, she will come to us.

Work was not too bad this week, and the end of the month at that. When I left today I had all the deals completed, so the only ones I will have to do are the ones sold this weekend. And I have all day Monday to process them. So I am not going to hold my breath and hope there aren't many, because I know better by now. However many deals we get, I can do them. Its nice to be getting a little more confident in myself and my abilities.

Its really cooling off outside and just getting dusky, and I think I will go out for a spin around the field and check out the cows to see if there are any new babies to look for. Plus, must get plenty of rest for the big adventure tomorrow.

Peaceful evening all!

Bella Takes a Trip

2007-06-25T17:28:00.001-07:00

What a weekend, people! First, just getting the equipment loaded and ready to go to our farm in Indiana was gruelling enough. Chip had nightmares for days beforehand. And I was a nervous wreck as always. But we got Bella all loaded up and ready for her field trip, and headed out, figuring we would have no problems since the truck had been in the shop at work all week having new brakes installed and the transmission serviced ( don't even ask how much it cost. Lets just say it was more than a month's salary for me ) So doop-dee-doo off we went. We got to the bottom of the hill and I looked over at Chip and said " what's burning??" Well, guess what? It was us! There was smoke pouring from the front brakes! We were like " oh, crap! now what do we do?" Here we had a 10 thousand pound tractor on a gooseneck trailer hitched to this truck and it was on fire. Ruh Ro Raggie! Luckily disaster was averted and the truck did not ignite. We got the trailer off the road into a parking lot and a guy next door came out and helped us and soon we were back on our way to Sunman and made a new friend too! A neat thing about our new friend.. He used to bank at "the bank" but pulled his business account out because of the way they treated him! Exactly why I quit there, was the reason he left too! Poetic justice.

So we got to Indiana, unloaded Bella and by then were so exhausted ( mentally at least) that we just turned around and came back home. Besides we had to go to Tylers wedding that evening. That was really fun, and I am not a very social person. Crowds make me nervous. But I was hoping to meet Tom's girlfriend from England, and then she didn't even come because she was too shy. Bummer. We didn't have any cake because we wanted to be good to our diets, but then after we left, Chip took me to the store to pick up some magazines so I would have something to read on Sunday, and we picked up some cheesecake and coffee. So we were up till about 1 in the morning drinking coffee and eating cheesecake and watching Saturday Night Live. It was really quite a nice evening.

On Sunday, I packed us up with lunch and plenty of water, two folding chairs, my portable dvd player and some Ron Perlman movies and the magazines we got the night before. We got out there and unloaded the rake and cutter and Chip started cutting and I set up camp on top of the trailer, kicked off my shoes and started reading. It was neat, because the rain kept coming through, but only just a little bit each time. It would get chilly and start to blow, a quick shower would come and then the sun came out right away. I didn't even get wet. We had a picnic, Chip went back to work, and I went back to reading. I did get caught " with my pants down" which could have been mortifying, but I just laughed it off. See, there is only a huge field, no bathrooms. And well, um, I had to get rid of some of that water I had been drinking. I thought I was safe beside the truck with the doors open, and this person drove down the street and stopped on the road right in front of me! Not sure how much he saw, but i sure jumped up quick.

Chip got half the field cut and that was quite a bit, so we quit for the day and came home. I even made a nice pork roast with rice and green beans for dinner.

And that was the weekend in review. It was very busy yet nice too.

Today I got my packet of clippings of Ron Perlman!! Yay! There are some really nice ones in there and I am going to go and categorize them tonight. I do so love to get new Ronnie things! I am getting the writing bug again too. Really, there are so many ideas in my head for stories, but I have a hard time getting them out. Maybe I should ask Rajeev for some advice. He is so talented and it seems like he comes up with something new and grand every day. Whaddya say Jeevy?? Well, getting tired and must get back to Chip. Hope everyone is well and happy. Give everyone you meet a smile, a kind word or a little bit of love, and it will come back to you tenfold. Lotsa love to you all! Cheers!

Rain Finally!

2007-06-22T16:57:00.001-07:00

It finally decided to rain a little today, not a whole lot, but anything is better than nothing. It's just been so hot and dry and uncomfortable out there, and everything feels dirty, dusty and crummy. Bah! Lets hope that it rains like crazy the rest of the weekend.

Ron Perlman: still waiting on my packet of clippings, and my French article. Looking forward to a cold winter day and Karen coming out and helping me scrapbook my collection. She doesn't seem to think I am insane or anything. Got my Hoodlum and Son dvd this week and watched that. Now I think I will go after 5ive Girls. Still have to watch the rest of Mag 7 and Beauty and the Beast. Oh, and Hellboy Blood and Iron! Can't wait. Maybe when hay is all done.

I am really wanting to get the house all tidied up and clean and just chill out for a whole weekend. Now I will be getting off work at 5:00 on Thursdays and Fridays, so I can have a whole extra hour both nights to get a head start on the cleaning.

Chip and I went to Gold Star for conies tonight and on the way home he commented on the beauty of the clouds and how we don't take the time to look at them nearly often enough. You know, every day is a new beginning and we should treat it as such. We should glean all the wonder and beauty out of life, and enjoy every moment. Who cares that Wednesday was a bad day at work? That is done and over with and why waste time being upset about it now? Somebody cuts you off on the highway? Not even worth a frown. Just back off a few feet and let them in. Its nothing personal. I know that I am one of those people that takes myself way too seriously in some ways. But in others I am fun loving and childlike. For instance, I love to play in the rain. Its really just like taking a shower, people! A little wet never hurt anybody ( except the wicked witch). Its fun to get all soaked and cool and your clothes stick to you and your tennis shoes squish when you walk. No big deal! But yet I go wild if things go badly at work. I have to be perfect and get everything done right now. I get impatient and bad tempered. And you know what? It doesn't change anything. Me getting in a foul mood doesn't make work go any better. And I know that I care wayyyy too much. I have no control over other people and I just need to relax and go with the flow. So-and-so doesn't pull her weight? She spends the whole day flirting with the guys and on her phone or the internet? While we slog away, hard at work. Do we get recognized for our dedication? No, not really. Does she get reprimanded for her poor behavior? No again. Can we do anything about it? No. So why not just let it go and hope that justice will be served someday. Karma, people.

Its actually a bit chilly in here right now. I have goose bumps. Perhaps I will go clean some and take a hot shower and watch a little television. Really, I need to go walking and get some more exercise. Some weight lifting would be nice too. Since I turned 40 a whole month ago, I feel like my muscles are turning to jello. Remember how good you felt when you lost weight, Cin.

Ok, I have bored you all enough today. Karen may be the only person reading this blog any more, I may have chased every one else off with my babbling. But Karen, dear Karen...
I never thought I would trust another person again. And here, I have found a "soul mate" in her. I am truly terrified at times that she will decide she doesn't like me anymore. Besides my blogger friends ( y'all know who you are) Karen is the only person I can be myself with and share my soul with. I know that I was sent to Dodge for a reason, and that was in part to meet Karen. I want her to know how much I value her friendship.

Oh and by the way, my Notary Stamp came in this week and I am now officially notarizing documents. I even got to swear somebody in! Cool!!

Will try to come up with some interesting topics and things to say for the next post. Tomorrow we are going to put Bella on the trailer and take her out to Sunman and start cutting the hay out there. Wish us luck!!

Love, Peace and Happiness to all!!

Busy Week, Pray For Rain

2007-06-15T17:06:00.000-07:00

The farm is as dry as a desert out here. The hay crop this year has been paltry to say the least and the pastures are burning to a crisp. We are going to trailer out the equipment to the farm in Indiana and hope for a better crop there. We need rain. Badly. Plus it looks as if there will be very little hay for sale this year, so we can't even buy any. Feast or famine.

The cows are looking well though.

Really, I am quite exhausted. It is hot, dry and miserable. I find myself in such a foul mood when it is this hot and humid. But hay season is upon us and we must keep moving forward.

Ron Perlman: Got some stuff off Ebay today. And picked up a copy of Blood and Iron too. Plus I am waiting for Hoodlum and Son to come from Ebay. For a long while it seemed that there was nothing new offered on Ebay, but lately I have been bidding like crazy. It helps that I am working again, and making all that overtime. Today's purchase cost me two hours of overtime.Well worth it. If I calculate things that way, I can really judge how much something is worth to me. Hmmm, Pete gets nasty with me? Thats worth a pretty penny ! :) Ha! Really, he hasn't said anything mean to me since he had his little freak out on me several weeks ago. Perhaps it got back to him that I was ready to resign.

Ohh! Got my Notary commission yesterday! It is all recorded and I am official. Now my stamp just needs to get here. And, I was called for jury duty starting the first two weeks of next month, and I called today and got excused from the first week so I can get month end stuff done at work. Now that is a loyal employee!

Last weekend was such a blast. First with Karen coming over, and then on Sunday we drove out to Sunman to see what the hay field looked like there. Then we went to Dairy Queen for some ice cream and then for a drive looking for more ground. It was a beautiful day and really relaxing.

We ordered the new tractor and it was delivered to the store yesterday. I think we are going to go visit it tomorrow. They still have to install the loader, but Chip wants to see how she looks.

The Sizemores just stopped by to see if we were interested in buying their property, but the field is abysmal and we really don't want to spend the money. Its ok to cut it for free, but a quarter million dollars is way too much for 14 acres. If that is the going rate, we are sitting on a gold mine!! But I do worry about what will happen to the land and to Rebecca. Rebecca is buried there. All I know is her headstone names her and says "wife and mother". I visit her each year and make sure her headstone is still ok. It sits by the opening of an old well that must have belonged to the house that Rebecca lived in some hundred or more years ago. I often wonder what her life was like, what the place looked like then. How old was she? How did she die? Hopefully she knows that someone still thinks about her, that she is not forgotten.

Sigh! Remember my fantasy of Ron Perlman coming down the driveway and wanting to use the farm to film a new movie, and discovering me and making me his star?? I can dream, can't I ?

Mom and Dad sold their house! Finally. Now we only have to pick up their riding mower and a few small pieces of equipment and we will be away from that place for good. We walked in the back yard last night and it seems so much smaller than when I was a young girl playing with our dog. I remembered the yard as a vast oasis, with a huge weeping willow tree that I hid under, totally obscured by the drooping limbs. I spent many summer hours secluded next to the cool trunk, reading Nancy Drew and Black Beauty, dreaming of a horse of my own, or a mystery to solve. Now the tree is long gone, the yard seems tiny, and those long ago days are but a memoy. Oh, but what fun. And those memories still remain, now that they have been reawakened in my soul. And you know what? I would never go back to those days. Not for one second. I love my life the way it is now and wouldn't trade it for a thing.

I can track my evolution through this blog, as can anyone who reads it. This is truly the most personal mutterings of my heart. Sometimes it is merely rambling, but I do express a lot of my true self here. I feel free when I am writing, happy and unencumbered. Not to mention the friends I am making along the way.

Getting really tired. Think I will go get a cool shower and relax. I am reading a book called "The First Assistant" about a Hollywood star's assistant and her misadventures. It is fairly entertaining and I think I will just settle in a read a bit. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day with moving mom and dad's stuff and getting the equipment to Sunman.

Well, life is interesting, to say the least. No Regrets. May you all be blessed with peace, love and happiness.

Love Cin

Fantastic Day!!

2007-06-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was such a fantastic day! Karen came over and we did all kinds of things. First, I met her at the IGA and drove her to the farm, so she could take notes on how to get there. She brought along all kinds of plants for me! "they are beautiful" Karen! Then we walked out and I introduced her to the cows and the bull. Everyone was heading to the woods for their morning nap so we went in and the horses came over to see their new friend. Shadow walked right up to Karen and started to nuzzle on her. We got Rusty and brought him to the backyard and gave him a bath. About halfway through his bath, he woke up and got really frisky. I showed Karen how he loves to have the water sprayed in his face and they started playing and getting us all wet. But he got too upset that he couldn't see the other horsed and wanted to get back to them so we decided to put him back out and get Shadow out for a ride instead. Karen got up on Shadow bareback and with no bridle and I led them around for a while. You did GREAT Karen! Woo Hoo!! Karen rode a horse! So I can't wait till she comes back out and we can do a little more riding. First step to getting a horse of your own, girlfriend!

We also went shopping at Hallmark and to Perkins to pick up the Peanut Butter Silk pie for Sally's birthday tomorrow. MMMMMM.. Rajeev had asked what it tastes like. Well, it is a chocolate crust, peanut butter, cream and sugar filling, and then a whipped cream-like frosting on top drizzled with chocolate and sprinkled with mini peanut butter cups. And its served cold. Absolutely like a decadent little slice of heaven, my friend.

We have a couple of new calves! First there is Haidyn, named after a new little friend of mine. She is a real cutie ( the girl AND the calf ) :) And the calf is growing fast too! And also last night we noticed a strange calf that we had not seen before. Queenie had a baby!! She is about two days old now and we didn't even notice! ( great farm managent there, Cin) But in my defense, it is hay season and was end of month at work and I am just coming back to my senses now.

It was nice spending the day with Karen and being able to really talk and cut-up without being at work and having to concentrate on our tasks. She is the only person I have ever worked with all day long and then wanted to spend my free time with too!! :) Its crazy, we are like a couple of 40 year old kids. Ah, but it is a lot of fun. I don't act my age, but in a good way. Its fun to be curious and adventurous. I still love walking in the creek with rubber boots on and looking for rocks and baby fish. I love hiding in the hen house and waiting for the baby foxes to come out from under it and play. They are just like puppies. People are way too serious about things, and in return, a lot of the joy in the little things about life just slips away from them. You must see the beauty and wonder of a mamma bird feeding her new hatchlings, or teaching them fo fly. What joy it is to watch the bull ( all 2000 pounds of him ) playing gently with his kids, letting them charge and bat at him with their heads and pretending ( REALLY !!) that they are pushing him backwards.

Yes, my friends, life is wonderful.

Really have to go and help Chip rake the hay. We got all of ours in and he went over and cut Sizemores field yesterday. So he is raking now and maybe tomorrow it will be dry enough to bale. The new baler is doing a great job and Chip loves it. And we have decided to do the deal on the new tractor for Chip too. I told the salesman that I will call him Monday and give him the go ahead to order it if all the terms of the sale are agreeable to us. And since they are, Chip will be getting his new tractor, with heat, air conditioning, AND a radio with cd player. Sigh. Maybe now I can guilt him into getting me a puppy :)

So, it is a truly, fantastically, wonderful day and I am going to go out and enjoy it. There is virtually no humidity and the sun is perfect and there is a great breeze blowing. Great day, people! Hope everyone is having a wonderful day. Love and happiness to all.

Love Cindy

Busy Week

2007-06-08T17:05:00.000-07:00

This was a really busy week for us. Work was crazy and I really started to have second thoughts about it because I was so swamped with work I couldn't hardly breathe. I hate that. It is nice to be busy and productive, but a bummer to be too busy to follow up on things and keep things organized.But I got caught up today, just in time for the weekend.

Karen is coming over tomorrow!! I am so excited, I feel like I am 10 years old again and having a friend over for a slumber party. We are going to ride the horses and give Rusty a bath and walk the fence. I will introduce her to all the cows and we can just hang out and have fun. I got some hamburger and we can cook out. And we will make strawberry shortcake for dessert! Oh Boy! Oh Boy! Just like a kid again.

And we are going to surprise Sally on Monday for her birthday with a peanutbutter silk pie. Maybe I will pick up a cute little plant for her desk too. I am not too happy with work right now, but I do love the comraderie with my coworkers. So I have a lot to do tonight. I will go for now and be back tomorrow night with a report on our adventure. I hope Karen has lots of fun!

See ya!

The Three Master "B's"

2007-06-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

Phew!! Month end went down with barely a hitch for me. They sold 9 more deals after I left at 7:30 last night, but I was able to stay calm and keep from getting overwhelmed and got everything that needed done, finished. We really seemed to bond today as well. Karen, Sally and I were all "inundated" with work and we were very, very, very, very busy. (That's for you Karen) :) But we kept laughing and cracking up and worked really well together. Note to self: had a lot of work to do and it was not easy but I did do it and well at that. It will keep getting easier.

I am going to go fix us a pizza and salad and maybe have a beer and get a shower and then I will be back with more blogging :) Really, did I have to write that? Because no one knows how much time has elapsed when one is writing a post. Ain't I a smarty?

Back, and full of pizza and ginger ale, no beer.Tomorrow we are going to check out a new tractor, so we will get up early and then I can clean the house when we get back. I hope this weekend is as relaxing as last weekend was. I really enjoyed that.

Other things I enjoy:

the feel of the flokati rug beneath my bare feet
a cool shower on a hot night
a good pee (don't ask)
painting my toe nails and putting on a toe ring
comfy AND sexy underwear
good friends
a clear starlit night with a cool breeze
a walk in the woods at dusk

Hmmm. Feeling really good about how month end went. I have been feeling a little bad that I have had no time whatsoever to do catch up stuff. No cleaning of schedules, extra filing, scanning. But Kathy said that Yvonne was only doing as much as I am right now when she first started too. So I am doing ok. Just wish that I had more free time to learn other things so I could help out my friends. Harry went out and got egg rolls for us for lunch. He also brought donuts today and shared with us. He is a really sweet guy. I didn't think there could be such a great guy out there, besides Chip.

Really rambling tonight with nothing much of substance to say. I can't believe that people actually read this and seem to enjoy some of my posts. There are so many talented writers out there that I have come to know and appreciate. We have, of course, Raka. And Rajeev is such a wonderful storyteller. I find myself transfixed reading his tales. And Priyanka, who seems to me to be a wonderful, sensitive, nurturing soul, Extremely intelligent, incredibly talented writer. And so many more, but I am getting to know these people and feel a bond with them. A year ago, I was lost and lonely, searching for purpose and meaning. Now I have been blessed to be a part of this circle of lovely souls. Have I found my true calling? Don't think so, exactly. But now I realize that it is not all about doing incredible fantastically great things. But rather, small meaningful, touching things. I am a friend. I have helped a cow deliver her calf and bring new life into this world. I have been kind. Have smiled at a person who looks sad and watched her face light up with realization that someone cared. Come to the rescue of my elderly parents, who raised me and cared for me and came to my rescue before. Am a good wife and partner and friend to my husband. Those are all accomplishments to be proud of.

A girl at the gas station complimented the mustang tonight. She walked over and said "great car!" Then told me that she has always wanted a mustang of her own. I like it when people compliment me. I am an approval whore.

Yesterday I was very ill. My blood sugar dropped drastically and I was so weak and shaky and sick that I had to wait a while before I could get to work. Another note to self: Never EVER eat half a container of cheesecake filling for dinner again.

Ron Perlman: This week I got a packet of clippings of Ron articles from EBAY. Mostly Hellboy stuff, but some really good articles that I didn't have already. A great deal! Also got a French magazine with a picture of Ron and Opal at the premiere of Alien Resurrection. And last night I won an agency photo and resume. Lots to add to my new collection.

Getting tired and think I will sign off for the night. Hope you all are having a great day. Peace and happiness to all!

Appeasing The Hay Gods

2007-05-28T07:08:00.000-07:00

Yes, the annual hay sacrifice has been made and now the hay Gods have been appeased. Chip cut about six rows of the hay field this weekend and it had been drought dry. Yesterday afternoon the skys opened up and the rain came and it is supposed to continue raining all week.
Every year we lose a bit of hay and so we consider it a sacrifice so that the rest of the crop will come in well.

Also while moving the tedder from its parking spot, a wasp flew out from under it and nailed both me and Chip. Ouch!! So she has to find a new place to nest. Hopefully far from us :)

So today since it is rainy, perhaps we can rest, or maybe go check out some tractors. A great day for just hanging out and relaxing. Raka has come online and I am chatting with her right now. Oh, it is so great to talk to her :)

I think i will just tidy up the house and enjoy this day. It feels great now that the rain hads come and everything feels fresh. I am sure all the animals are quite relieved. Rusty has been sweating and panting and I have been wanting to give him a cool bath to make him feel a bit better. He used to love getting baths. He used to love playing in the water with me when we were younger.
Some days I long to revisit those times with us in our youth, playing and being best buddies. But that summer of my youth is long past and those carefree days of leisure have been replaced with work and responsibility. Yet, we are still together. Still friends. Though I sense that Russ is not as into me as he once was. Course he had his horse buddies, his girlfriend Peaches. He really doesn't care to be bothered anymore. Big hairy clod :)

There is a bird singing out there. Looks like it has stopped raining. Maybe I can get my cantaloupe seeds planted today. Hopefully it will not be too hot out there. I have almost got the spreader unloaded and I can move the manure around the gardens a little bit. I love these quiet days. It is so nice to realize and appreciate a good thing. So often we just go about our busy days and forget to stop and smell the roses. We take the daily events of our lives for granted and do not look for the little pleasures that surround us every day.

So people, today take a moment to reflect and find something joyous about your life. Cherish it and nourish it, then pass it along to someone who also needs some love.

Peace

Hay

2007-05-27T13:01:00.000-07:00

Last night Chip cut some of the hay field and we teddered it this morning. Now he is working on the rake and the new baler and guess what? Its Raining!! Not too much, Im sure, but ain't that the way things go?!

It is really hot and I spent the afternoon grocery shopping, baler twine shopping and gardening. Oh, and cleaning out the manure spreader. I am full of poop dust! So it is off to the shower for me.

I watched Two Soldiers and a couple of episodes of Mag 7 last night. Just what I needed to ground myself again! Ahhhh.

People keep saying I am losing weight ( bless you ! ) and the guy at Tractor supply noticed I colored my hair yesterday. It is a little redder now. I'm really having fun with the coloring stuff. I am going to experiment until I find the right shade. Since I have never colored my hair before, it is kind of strange :)

Well, I think I will go out and stand in the rain for a while.

Ciao for now

This Week That Was ( and a picture of the stang)

2007-05-25T17:15:00.000-07:00

Really, I have a lot to say in this post. Problem is, whenever I sit down to write, the thoughts just fly out of my head and what comes out is a bunch of drivel. A lot of new people have visited and commented on this blog and I would like to thank them for their interest and kind words. I hope you are all getting a little enjoyment out of this blog, cause that's what I'm here for :) It is really fun to look into other peoples lives and thoughts, and to see how they react to the everyday grind. So many out there show so much talent in their writing. There is no need to visit the library anymore. For the most part, these are real people sharing their real feelings. I have been told that my posts are very candid. Yes, it is a way to express the true me- the me that I sometimes hold back in other venues. It is so much easier to pour out my heart in this format, and anonymously. However, I am not exactly anonymous anymore. I feel as if I belong to a family of bloggers, others like me from all places in the world, from all cultures and religious beliefs, and we are pretty much all the same in spirit. How wonderfully refreshing!

This week was a busy one and one full of emotions that ran the gamut from elation to terror to devestation. Oh I am being a little dramatic there, but remember I want to be an actor :)

Started out busy busy busy at work. So many deals and problems that I felt I was going under. Then Thursday, I got my head back above water and got caught up- just in time for month end. Today, the computers were down until after noon. I did what I could and didn't have any real problems, and then Karen and I decided to go out for lunch, since we really couldn't work anyway. When we got back the computers were up and we could get started working. I paged Jon to see if he had some paperwork I needed to title a car, and Pete called me back and screamed at me to stop calling Jon, he's busy! I said " oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know..." and he yelled, well next time get up and look!! Then he SLAMMED the phone down, hanging up on me. Thats the part where I was devestated. I am a good employee. I work hard and do the best job I can, don't cause trouble and get along well with everyone. I DO NOT deserve to be spoken to like that. But I was so shocked and hurt that I couldn't speak cause I was afraid I would cry, I was that mad. So I sat there trembling in anger, blinking back tears and trying not to think about it. But then Stephanie paged Jon and I had to tell her to watch out for the wrath of Pete. Well, then I got upset all over again and had to calm myself down. I mean, it may not have been such a big deal to some people, but it was to me. Later I told Kathy what had happened and told her that I was thisclose to walking out because I am not accustomed to being treated in that manner and did not deserve to be disrespected like that. She asked if I wanted her to talk to Pete and I told her not to, that I was ok. But later Pete was SO friendly and nice to me, nicer than he has ever been. So I wonder if she said something, or if he just realized how badly he had behaved and was trying to make up for it. But, I am all caught up and they are closed Sunday and Monday for the holiday, so I shouldn't have too much to do before month end.

Also had to talk to the evil ones from Merchants Bank yesterday. I needed to find out lienholder information and not only did K.B. not know what she was doing, but she was a total witch to me as well. Then I said " you don't know who I am do you?" and she said not really and when I told her we used to work together, boy, did she change her tune! I told the girls at work what had happened to me at the bank, and they all had lots of nice things to say in my support. It was the first time I have been able to discuss it with anyone and it felt good to share. There are some strong personalities there at work, but when all the conditions are right, we get along just fine. If I were to leave, I would really miss Karen. And Sally invited us to a pig roast!! I think we would enjoy that.

Ok, terror. We went out to pull the cutter out of the field, and since Bella was up here at the house, Chip used the blue tractor. We were fine, him driving and me guiding the cutter ( its like 15 feet long) and then he came to the slope going into the creek and the tractor started to tip. You know how they say that it seems like something goes on for hours when it is only seconds, really? Well we did that. The rear wheel went like three feet in the air and it started to go over and I just thought "put it DOWN" to Chip, so he would drop the cutter and rebalance. He did really well and didn't panic ( though I thought for sure we would both pee our pants) and he lowered the cutter and the tractor put itself back on the ground. We quit for the night then and there thank God.

Elation: Today as I said, we went for lunch. The parking lot was crowded and very narrow and people started to park behind me so I only had a little room to get backed out. A guy in a truck pulled in and waved me on so I backed out and had to really manuever back and forth to keep from hitting the car behind me and the ones next to me. Quite a feat in an automatic, but near impossible in a stick! AND I DID IT!! Karen was happy for me and I was really proud because I didn't stall or anything. Ok, so you guys who have experience may think that's hardly worth a mention, but for me it was quite something.

And..... Got Magnificent Seven season 2, Afro Samauri, and Two Soldiers this week!! Time for a major Ron-A-Thon. Also am waiting on a French magazine with some pics of Ron, and a packet of clippings I got off EBAY. And Pat just mailed me and told me that Ron will be doing a movie called Vacuuming the Cat in between I Sell the Dead and HB2. Zowie, so much fun!

I was thinking about starting writing again. Maybe I could post short chapters to this blog and people could comment. Oh, I don't know.

Since it is a long weekend, I hope to get a lot of yardwork done. We got some seeds this week and I would like to get them planted. Brandy's garden is looking good, with the new pink flowers I planted. Only the best for you, my friend. So maybe I can work more on the gardens. And still have to finish unloading the turd hearse. And need to give the Mustang a bath. I need to give her a name. Any suggestions?

Here she is :)

It is 9:00 p.m. and just starting to get dark. The crickets are chirping and you can feel the heat dissipating and the cool dew coming. I think I will go out and look at the stars. It is that beautiful time of the evening when it is cooling down and just barely light, but light enough to see to walk in the woods or the pastures. It is very soothing and calming. The honeysuckles and black locust trees are blooming and the air is full of sweet perfume. I am really looking forward to this weekend and hope that I can get all my chores done and we can have pleanty of time for relaxing. Chip actually took the day off today, good for him. He needed that. He got Bella all cleaned up and her oil changed. Time to cut hay! Please pray that we get enough this year, as it is pretty dry right now and not growing as well as it could be.

Thanks again to all who are visiting this blog, and to those who comment. I appreciate your words. Finally got that picture to download Rajeev :)

Take care all

Love and Blessings

The Stang

2007-05-21T16:55:00.000-07:00

Thought I would post a pic of my mustang for everyone, especially Rajeev, since he would really like one of his own. It is not a super hot rod or anything, but it IS my dream car and I love it. Here is a pic of it : huh! the picture didn't download. Lousy dial up! Will try again later.

Funny, someone traded in a really neat racing Mustang this weekend. Brand new 2007, blue, stick, white racing stripes. Not my taste- too souped up- but a really cool car. But they will be asking like $35,000.00 for it. Nah! I wouldn't spend that much money. I like my little pony.

Y'all would be proud of me too. I went to work and just hunkered down and worked on deal after deal, without spazzing out about all the work I had to do. I got quite a bit done, too. Remember this!

Didn't get to chat with Raka yesterday:( I was on early and had to run out and didn't get to chat. Hope all is well. You can e-mail me you know, Raka :)

Stephanie says someone she knows is giving away a golden puppy. Well, we will see.... Probably won't turn out to be anything anyway, but Karen thinks its a sign.

This weekend I went out in the pasture and all the calves gathered round to see me. They are so courious! So a couple of the braver ones tried to get close to me and then backed off. So I laid down on the ground and they all came right over to me and sniffed me and licked me. I love it!

Not much else to say really. It was a good day at work, and Chip had a good day too. I have to go out before it gets dark and unload the manure spreader.

Lots of love to everyone!

Simple Gifts

2007-05-19T14:51:00.000-07:00

Today has been a wonderful day. John and the girls came out and while John and Chip went to the farm to work, the girls and I went shopping. We got my plates for the Mustang, got gas, went to Home Depot for mulch and to Minges' for pond plants and snails. When we got home, Hannah helped me redo my My Space page. I also juggled with Claire, and Olivia was all cute and funny. It was so much fun. The girls are so cute and I really enjoy spending time with them. They also brought me some iris and hostas, so I planted them in the garden.

I planted all of my pink plants in Brandy's garden. It looks really pretty now. I pulled the truck up alongside the garden and played Appalachian Spring while I planted. Oh, such beautiful music. For you my dear friend Bran.

Hannah is really good at web design, and I asked her to come back and help me some more. It is really neat all the things she can do.

So now the pond has its plants and snails, and Brandy's garden is well on its way. A lot got done today, even though we spent a lot of time having fun. Now I am going to go out and walk the place.

Blessings to all!!

Master Master

2007-05-18T17:09:00.000-07:00

Yahoo!! I took my Notary exam yesterday and passed. I am now an official officer of the court!! When I got to work and told them, they were happy for me. Sally said that they should call me "Master Master" since I have my Master in Microsoft and now my Notary. So we had a lot of fun and teasing at my expense. We all are bonding so well. Its nice to feel good about the people you work with. I thought I would never be able to care about co workers again after the bank, but I find my heart opening up and letting these people in. ( the special ones at least). It was quite a day today at work. They held back deals all week because of a special promotion and gave them all to me today :( Yuck! But I got everything done that needed done for the promo and some of the other stuff, and have just 9 deals waiting for me Monday morning. And of course whatever else they sell this weekend. But I will get it all done. No pressure. No worries, mate. Remember, I am learning a life lesson here. I don't have to be in control of every little aspect of my job. There is always going to be something ( or a lot of somethings) up in the air, needing fixed. Just take it day by day and deal by deal. With my personality, I don't like to leave things undone. I like all the dishes washed, laundry done, bed made. It makes me more comfortable. But here, it just isn't like that. There will almost always be work waiting for me, no matter how much I do. So I will get used to it and not stress about it. This is good for me.

Karen left early today. Golly I missed her. She went to visit her brother and sister-in-law on their farm for the weekend. I hope she and Zoey are having a really good time. The weather should be perfect. Karen missed me being silly today. Stephanie had a radio, and Footloose came on and she turned it up and said we should dance. So I got up and did my best Kevin Bacon, and they were rolling. Kathy was watching me through her window and was laughing too. But after such a rough day, it was fun to cut loose and be crazy. And really, right now I am not one bit concerned with the work on my desk :)

So there is another thing to add to my list of accomplishments I have made for my 40th year. I am a Notary. And I am juggling two balls. I know that is not really juggling, but its something that I couldn't do last week :) Then a dear friend told me she used to juggle and ride the unicycle! Ha! I almost fell over! She is sooo cool!

We need to go to Bobby Mackey's bar and spend a night there too. It is haunted, you know, and famous. So a night in a haunted bar would be fun, and scarey. 'course the old farm house is supposed to be haunted too. Hmmm. I am rambling.

This weekend is supposed to be nice so I hope to get my flowers planted in Brandy's garden and get some more soil to add to it. Plus I have to plant the ivy and vine that Karen gave me. And the honeysuckle that Sally gave me. I love having the yard all pretty and full of flowers.

I am looking at the picture of Brandy that inspired my poem. It was taken in the spring after she had her stroke. She is laying in the back yard and was rolling on the ground and playing ad then looked up and smiled and I took the picture. Because of the film and the sun, the yard looks like it is golden colored. Plus she is a Golden Retriever, hence "Fields of Gold" Sorry Sting, didn't steal the name from you. Ah, someday old friend, someday.

Got to go to O'Charleys for dinner Wednesday night. Bonnie was behind me on the road and followed me into the driveway and asked if we wanted to go out. So we did! It was fun, especially since we almost never go out. The food wasn't all that good, but it was ok. And just getting to socialize with family was really neat. Bonnie is really great. She has really been nice to me and it was great fun to help with the family reunion last year. I wish we could spend more time together. Her husband Dave is really nice too. And they have a couple of really great kids. Its great to have family living close. Chips sister lives right next door, my mom and dad live next door, and Bonnie and Dave live next door. Of course, they live on the other side of the farm, so we are not all right on top of each other.

We have been spending a lot of time on the patio lately. It is so nice after it gets dark and we turn on my little lights that I made and hung in the ceiling rafters. Then we just curl up and watch tv and the stars. This is such a great life. It is wonderful to be content with your life and what you have. I really couldn't want for much more. Sure we could have more money and have the house remodeled like we want it, and make some improvements to the house, yard and farm. But really, those all are things we can accomplish with time ( and money) . And I have the greatest husband, and the bestest pets and friends.

Got two things from ebay this week!! A packet of clippings of Ron Perlman, and a French magazine with a picture of Ron and Opal. Can't wait till they come. I love getting clippings, because I can organize and categorize them and have lots of fun with them.

I've rambled enough for today. Hope everyone is having a good weekend. Love, and Peace to all!

New Baby

2007-05-13T07:32:00.000-07:00

Oprah had a calf last night and she is a real cutie. We walked out early this morning and all the cows were in the back yard and the calves were all laying under a tree snoozing. It was beautiful, cool early morning air and the sun just rising above the horizon. Ahhh, what a life. I know that it is a lot of hard work, dirt and heartache some times, but the beauty of it all-the peacefulness and blessings that it provides- far outweigh the hardships. Chip got the turd hearse ( manure spreader) going again yesterday and spread like 8 loads. Many more to go. Those cows sure can produce the poop. If we could bag it and sell it we'd be rich fer sure! And last night I got more seeds planted, so the yard and gardens are going to look really pretty come summer ( I hope ) .

Still need to get some flowers for Brandy's garden, and some water hyacinths for the pond so the fish have some cover. Chip suggested that I ask Karen to go shopping with me since she likes gardening too. Maybe we can go some day at lunch and do just that. I like having someone to give me her opinion of what looks good.

Waiting for Raka to come online for our chat, then have to go to Mom's and give her her mothers day present. Then some more gardening and mowing and wash the Mustang, and maybe band those new bull calves ( sorry Bruno). Oh golly, the day is so pretty, and yesterday it was so nice too.

Have decided not to freak out over how many car deals I may have to do this week. Last week I had just got caught up by Friday. Remember, I don't like not being caught up on a daily basis, but am going to have to get used to it. It is out of my hands how many cars they sell. Just go with the flow, Cin. Besides, nobody else is stressing. And I promised myself that I would not stress either. One day at a time. Got to study for the Notary. Golly, golly, golly. But I did study and get my Masters in Microsoft... so I can do this too.

Ron will be filming I Sell The Dead, in New York in June. Heeee. Once again, Ron Perlman and Zombies, what's not to like.

I really enjoy having the day to do things that I want to do. I can just putter around and do a little here and a little there.

I read Rajeevs blog for the first time yesterday. He is really great! A very talented writer. He is so much more intellectual than I am. And his words are beautiful and thought provoking. I am so lucky to have become a part of this "Blog World" and to meet all these wonderful people. It is quite uplifting to know that there are good, caring souls out there all over the world. You get to meet so few of them in your day to day lives, but the internet is opening this whole new opportunity to us all, bringing us together. There is so much strife and pain in the world, but people all over are coming together through shared ideals and beliefs. Even though we all come from different cultures, we all share a common goal- to live our lives for the good and to learn and grow and share and love. Oh what wonderful things we can all learn from one another.

So this is dedicated to all of you out there. The friends that I have come to know, and those still waiting to be discovered. May you all have Peace and Joy!

Saturday Ramblings

2007-05-12T14:22:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful day today is turning out to be! Tina called and the kids aren't coming out today, which is a bummer on one hand, but on the other, it gives me the whole day to myself and Chip.The house is clean, the lawn is mowed. I got my tomato and pepper plants planted, and also some Zinnia seeds that Karen gave me. And some other seeds as well. So the yard looks pretty good if I do say so myself. Ahhhhh.. I haven't felt this good in a while. Its so nice to be outside in the fresh air, getting things done.

Later tonight when it cools off I am planning on taking a walk in the woods. Maybe I will find a baby fawn or foxes or something fun. I need to get back to my exercise regime. The windchimes are ringing in the yard, which means that the wind must be blowing a bit. Ah yes, there it is now, a cool breeze coming in the window. I think I will go out and sit on the porch for a bit until Chip gets back from the farm. Then we are going to go to the Home Depot and get some stuff, and then to Taco Bell ( our big night out haa haa) for dinner.

Wow, I am a little achy from all the gardening. All of a sudden my back is wanting to seize up. I guess I better get a hot shower and rest it a bit so I can do some more tomorrow. Nothing much interesting is happening, so I think I will just sign off and maybe I will have some fascinating thing to say tomorrow Hmmmmm...

Thoughts

2007-05-11T16:56:00.000-07:00

This week was both relatively quiet and also pretty stressful. Now how can it be both ways, you might ask. Well, I had lots of deals to do at work and only just got caught up today. But nothing stressed me out to the max. I just don't like being totally caught up each day, but that's something I will have to get used to. Plus I had this awful experience with the license bureau on Thursday. Lady really pissed me off. She did not know how to process my title to the van over to Prudy and Mike, so she was giving us all kinds of trouble and then flat out refused to do it for us. You all know that bad customer service really drives me wild. Plus its been kind of hot and I hate being hot and sweaty. It only puts me in a bad mood. But all in all it has not been a bad week for me.

Karen seemed to be feeling a little better today, so thats a good thing. And Sally brought me some lemonade honeysuckle. I have to try to root it cause it is gorgeous and I think it will look great at the house. Karen "stole" a piece too :)

I finished reading Marley and Me and it was a really good book. Of course, it made me cry. But in a good way. I am just now beginning to get my grief over Brandy under control. Funny, when she first died, I missed her horribly, but lately, I have missed her more than ever. It is like a hole has opened up inside my heart where she used to be. But I have been given some pretty strong "signs" that she is still out there, so I must just be patient and let her come to me when she's ready.

Its really hot. Muggy and humid. I imagine it is pretty much worse in India. Raka talks of the heat sometimes, and it must really be blistering there. What would she think about the snow and ice storms we had last winter? I like it best when the weather is in-between. Like in the fall when it is still warm, but cool and crisp too.

When I got home tonight, Chip was mowing the front yard, so I changed clothes and got out the hand mower and we got some of the back yard done too. That way there is less work to do tomorrow. I would like to plant the ivy that Karen gave me and the tomato and pepper plants we got. And the kids are coming over tomorrow. I promised that we could bring Rusty up to the house and give him a bath. He will like that. Since he is not shedding out, he gets all these hunks of hair all over himself and gets really hot and sweaty. Maybe we can get all the loose hair off and get him good and clean and he will feel a lot better.

None of us has felt too well this week. Sinus or allergies or something. Lets hope that the weekend will be a great time for us to recover and we will all feel much better.

Karen took me out to IHOP for my birthday on Monday. (thank you, Karen!) And Kathy took me out to Cracker Barrel on Wednesday ( thanks Kathy!) Its so nice to have friends. I want to get Karen to come out and drive the Mustang with me. She has never driven a stick, so it is time for her to learn, just like me.

So far, one week into my 40th year, I have accomplished a few things:

Made healthy meals all week
Driven the Mustang
did not stress about work

Lots more to come. Lets see... I have to find a bar with a mechanical bull. A place to fire walk. I am going to learn to belly dance ( I have plenty of belly) and to juggle. I would also like to climb the Purple People Bridge. Since I am terrified of heights, that would be a good one. Plus, there is sure to be more. Any ideas, people? What do you think I could try?

Strangely, I feel a little older this week. I know thats silly. But I looked in the mirror and saw a much older person in there ( albeit much, much happier and more grounded). So my goals are to become healthier and stronger, and as always, wiser. I keep remembering people that I have run into who seem like just random meetings, but may be much more. People who touch your life for only a few moments, but leave a memory behind...the lady at the grocery store with the farm, the lady at the store who wished me a happy New Years, so many more. And then there are the people who you get to know who touch you so much more, and luckily, you get to be around them a lot.

So this blog is about my journey (we already knew that) and now I am even more determined to learn and grow more. I just need to be less obsessive about some of the things that take up my time, like housecleaning and work. Do what needs to be done with a happy heart and then go on to do what you love to do. I haven't taken much time for Ron Perlman lately. Well, that is one dream that I may never realize. But then again..... Ah, Ronnie. Again, it is the journey that is the joy, not just the destination. I am thankful for so many things in my life and have truly been blessed. I just need to be sure to make time for myself and for Chip, so we can do the things we love. Its nice to be able to relax and enjoy things.

Getting a little headachy and I think I will go and get a shower now and then put on a load of laundry. That way all I have to do tomorrow is vacuum and mop and the house will be all clean!
Also have to study for my Notary exam. That is next week and I am really nervous. Keep your fingers crossed for me, ok?

So peace to all!

To Friends...

2007-05-09T17:27:00.000-07:00

Karen, my dear friend, has been having a couple of bad days. I want to tell her how much I care, but it is so hard to find the right words to say. I am afraid that I have no business offering her advice, and that perhaps it is only making her more upset. But she needs to know how much we care about her and want to help her. I wish I knew what to say or do to make it all better for her. She has been there for me with my anxieties about work and month end, and my feelings and grief over Brandy. I've really grown fond of her. And again, it is scary, because I am so afraid to trust again. What if she doesnt really like me? We are so alike, and have so much in common- love lots of the same things and feel the same way about lots of stuff. I think thats how you know that you truly care about someone, when it hurts you that they are hurting. So, I want to let her know that I care, and that things will go her way. What can I do to show her that? Any advice?

Raka, too has had some issues to deal with lately. I think all is well again and she has recieved the desired outcome. If so I am happy for her. She is someone who I cannot stand to see hurt as well. I missed our chat on Sunday because I had to go to my parents and thought I would be right back but ended up staying later and couldn't get online. So much I wanted to talk about with her. But there is always next week. And always e-mail ( hint, hint).

Here, just a year ago I was so lonely and dissilusioned. Now life has so much meaning again, thanks in so many parts to my friends. You girls really are great! Lots of love to you both, and to everyone who reads this, love and care for one another.

Peace out!

Reflections

2007-05-04T16:54:00.000-07:00

This certainly was a week! I have already told you about my little "meltdown", and the last couple of days have been relatively stress free. It is a little overcast and kind of muggy out. The house feels damp inside, but in a nice way- not exactly uncomfortable. I have the bed sheets in the washer, and my hands smell of laundry detergent, mmmmmm. The cows are right outside my window, grazing through for their evening meal and the calves are mooing to one another. It reminds me of when Brodie was here and he would call out to me when he was bored. There is a gentle breeze blowing the curtains out and the birds are singing. I can hear baby birds peeping in the tree next to the house. What a wonderful evening.

I am going to write down the things that happened this week that stressed me out, so I can realize that those factors will never all occur at the same time again. It was end of month and a very busy one. Ok that will most definitely happen again. But the bunch of work was not what caused me stress. It was not knowing how to do some of it, and not having anyone to ask, and me putting the pressure on myself to get it ALL done that day. Next time, I will know more, will have more confidence and experience and will be faster. I know the things that have to be done and the things that can wait till I get caught up. I know I can handle oodles of deals, because I did this week- and I did all of those deals completely, too, not just the one part of them that had to be done by month end. See, I have to be organized and it is easier for me to do one thing completely and go on to the next, than to do bits and pieces of each one and keep going back to finish.But I will have to recondition myself to the fact that I have no control of the amount of work that comes in and so cannot plan on it. Go with the flow, Cin.

Karen gave me some beautiful ivy vines today. She had clipped them from her main plant and nurtured them for me, and boy are they beautiful! I can't wait to get them planted. I need to find the perfect spot. I have a sedum plant started for her and will probably take that to her one day next week. The other day she talked me into going to lunch by telling me I had to take her to get some tomato plants at the nursery. It was such fun! I love going to those places and it was nice to have someone to go with. Its like the sister I always wanted :) Then we went to Frisch's and grabbed some burgers to take back to work with us.

I still long for a Golden puppy. I know when the time is right, we will find her. Strange how my life revolves around the animals. They never have an agenda, they never use you. All they want to do is love you. Well, they want you to feed them too.

Since my birthday is this Sunday, I have decided that I am going to start an exercise and diet regime. For real. Also, I am going to do new and exciting things, even if I am scared. I am going to take better care of myself and learn more.

Mom is getting me Magnificent Seven Season 2 for my birthday. I can't wait till it comes out. That is one of my favorite Ron Perlman shows. Plus there are some other dvds coming out soon. I feel like a film fest, but this weekend will be busy. The kids, Shawna and Shain are coming over tomorrow, and then tomorrow night is Sydneys recital.

When I blog, I feel free and alive. Sometimes the words just flow from my heart, and others it is hard to actually think of things to say. But it sure is fun! I got to have a nice long chat with Raka last Sunday, and Chip even got on and bantered with her. I miss us not e mailing each other regularly, but we are both so busy and we do keep up with each others blogs. Had I not started blogging, I never would have found her. Another treasure that I have found when I wasn't looking.

Well, I am getting really tired, and need to put the sheets in the dryer so I can get the bed made. One of the greatest things in life is to slide into a freshly laundered bed and read a few pages of a good book before drifting off to sleep.

May all your dreams be good

MELT DOWN

2007-05-03T17:45:00.000-07:00

Yes, folks, I did it. I went and had a melt down at work. Recipe: End of month, lots of pressure, wierd stuff I have never seen before, and no one to help me. Mix 'em all together , add a few pushes from the boss. Stew for 14 hours with no break. Results- total nervous break down! And really, now that I have come to my senses again, it wasn't great, but I survived. Y'see, I had to prove to myself that I could do it. But even though I stayed really late on Monday, they stayed open till midnight and continued to sell cars so when I came in on Tuesday thinking I was pretty much caught up, there was a giant mess on my hands. So I lost it. I could have just quietly cried all over my desk, but my friends ( bless you guys) kept trying to comfort me and handing me tissues and that just made me cry. I felt really stupid, but they assured me that they had done the same on occasion. God Bless you Karen and Sally and Stephanie. You stood by me and really helped me to feel better. And the best thing was the next day there was this cute vase full of beautiful flowers on my desk. "They are beautiful" Karen ! So things have been much better the last two days and I am feeling much better. And even closer to my new pals. So again, I need to remember that there may be days that are really hard at work, but I can do it and it always gets better again. I don't know what I would have done without you guys :)

Really tired, but I wanted to mention this so I have it reserved in my memory banks. We went driving tonight and Chip said he can see that I am becoming a lot more confident. Yesterday was our 10 year wedding anniversary and he got me some beautiful purple and pink flowers and a nice card. I love cards. I love Chip. So, tomorrow is my regular blog night, but I had a few minutes to write, so I wanted to post this. I am taking my Notary test on the 17th, (thanks again, Karen) and hope I pass it. Keep your fingers crossed :)

Talk at ya all later
take care of yourselves and each other

An Interesting Topic?

2007-04-29T07:47:00.000-07:00

Sounds like my last post got some people to thinking about the possibility of soul mates. I choose to believe in such a thing, as that would explain to me why some people come together through all kinds of circumstances and connect. Now, you dont have to look at this topic as a religious one. I think anyone who reads this blog can understand that I have very strong, albeit open-minded beliefs. You can think of it as fate, or nature or anything you want. But it is comforting to me to believe that people come together to help one another and teach each other and that maybe those events were pre-determined by the universe. Or maybe not. And maybe its just that you happen to run into a person that you just really hit it off with and nothing else- no metaphysical mysteries. But whatever way it is, I find joy in believing that there are some who re-connect in this lifetime with souls they have known in the past. And who really knows? That is the wonder of having your own set of beliefs and opinions.

Why do we choose the paths that we do? What causes us to be passionate about certain things? Why are some called to be doctors, teachers, writers? Why are some people "bad"? What called to people like Mother Theresa and Ghandi? Who inspires the great masters to paint, and compose and invent and create? Einstein baffles us and awes us with his incredible intelligence, yet he couldn't tie his own shoes. Hmmmmm.....

Tina called and said she and the kids couldn't come out today and I have to admit that I am overjoyed because now Chip and I will have the day to ourselves and I am looking forward to getting some chores done and having some together time. Maybe we can find a good movie on tv. When the weather is good and warm and breezy, things just feel so much ceeaner and fresher. I don't feel as compelled to be in the house cleaning and scrubbing. Yesterday when Prudy and Mike and the kids were here, they dragged in all kinds of mud and grass. I will have to vacuum and mop all over again. But we all had a really good time and that's what is important. My obsessive compulsive self is being replaced slowly but surely with a laid back grandma. This is the time for adventures and fun and enjoying our lives. And on that note, I took the mustang out on the road yesterday and only stalled it out once at a stopsign. There was a car behind us and I started to panic cause I stalled, and I told Chip "I can't do this, I can't do this" and then he said "yes you can- you have been doing it" and I put it back into gear and took off and all was well. I CAN do this!! :)

Gonna go and see if Raka is online- almost time for our chat and then I have to go get gas for the lawnmowers. Enjoy your day!!

AUGHHHHHH!!!!!

2007-04-27T16:38:00.000-07:00

Well, my friends, this has been one hell of a week. We were so incredibly busy at work that I hardly had a moment to think. Not only was it busy, but the wierdest things were happening as well. Crazy deals with all kinds of things that I have never done before. And Jon had me in tears on Thursday because of Dan. Seriously, I was thinking that it just isn't worth it to go through all the stress. But then I came to my senses. I love this job. It is challenging and exciting and I have become close to some people and don't want to leave that behind. Remember, I have posted times when it was soooo boring I thought I'd lose my mind, so I know it will ebb and flow like that. Just so there aren't too many days like yesterday! And Karen was even more swamped than me. I wish I could help her more, because not only did she have her own work to do, but Kathy dumped a big project on her right at payroll time. And I was so swamped that I couldn't help. But really, when I left, most everything was caught up and I feel a lot better about things.

Karen has become a close friend. I am so scared of trusting someone. ( The only person I have let into my heart recently is Raka, my dear friend). After all the betrayals I have endured, it is hard to really open up to someone and share your deepest thoughts with them. In Raka and Karen, I feel like I can start to trust again. It would devistate me if they were to betray that trust. On this blog no one knows me. I mean, I can share my feelings and expose myself anonomously, and nobody sees me in person. Raka knows my heart. And now Karen is getting to know me. I don't know if she likes what she sees, but I hope so. It is so nice to have friends to talk to about my life and feelings. And I love to hear about them as well.

So with the week being as busy as it had been, I haven't had much time to do anything more than fix dinner, shower and crawl into bed and read a few pages of Marley and Me. It is a really good book. I am already hooked and have only read about 20 pages. It's so nice to know that there are other people out there who feel about their dogs the way I do.

I have a poem in my heart, but it is not quite ready to come out yet. I will know when it is.

Ron Perlman has not been up to much as far as I can tell. I guess soon he will be filming Hellboy II and there will be lots of articles about that. Nothing new to add to my collection lately. I did pre-order those dvd's, but they probably won't come for quite some time. Really, I have been too tired to even think about it.

Looking forward to learning to drive my Mustang. It has been rainy and nasty for the last few days, so we haven't gone out driving. Hopefully this weekend we will, and if I get good enough, I can drive it to work next week.

I think I am coming down with something :( A lot of people at work are sick, and now I feel a scratchy throat and headache coming on. Mind over matter. I will think myself well.

Today was not so bad as yesterday, and as I was walking to my truck I looked down and found a penny. Pennies from Heaven. A sign?

Do you believe in soul mates? What is it that draws us to certain people, even if we don't know them well? Are they a part of our destinies? We encounter so many people in the course of our lives and most of them just pass by without much thought. But there are certain people you feel an affinity for, like you are meant to know them. Some are good for you, others aren't. Are they sent to us as lessons, a Karmic experience? I know that Nicole became a great learning experience for me in human nature and my own psyche. Painful as it was, I learned a valuable lesson from the bank and will carry that with me forever. We are all here to gain wisdom after all. And people like Raka and Karen and Chip and even Ron Perlman. What attracts me to them? Of course its their souls calling out to mine. Perhaps we were great friends in a past life. Perhaps we are meant to be great friends in this life. After so many years of "bad" friends, I am eager to have some real friends.

When I took up the tag a few days ago, I forgot to mention some other things I can do : Castrate a bull calf and A.I. a cow. How many people can say that? But there was only room for 7 things, so I am now listing them here.

I am hoping that the weekend is nice and relaxing. Saturday will be busy with Prudy and Mike and dealing on the van. But I hope to have some time to go out and walk the place. Last night I watched a big young buck and two does in the back yard. I mentally called out to them to stay on the place and they would be safe. No harm shall come to you here, my friends.

Well, I have been babbling on and on for a while and think its time to call it a night and relax. This has been a pretty boring post, so I will try to be more poetic next time.

Best wishes to everyone!

Adventures

2007-04-25T18:17:00.000-07:00

The Mustang, my dream car, is now mine. It is beautiful!! Chip took me out driving last night and started my lessons on driving a stick. I have much to learn :) But it is not as hard as I thought and I am excited to continue my lessons. This birthday will be a big one for me, a milestone of sorts, and so I figure why not be adventurous and try some new things. You know, all these years I have been conservative and have played by the rules. Maybe its time to get braver and do some fun stuff. I dyed my hair for the first time ever last month, got my dream car, am learning to drive it. Now there are some other things I want to try. Does anyone know where I can go to fire walk? Looking back to a year ago, my life has improved tremendously. I still haven't become famous, or met Ron Perlman, but some of the things I want to do are quite possible.

The wind is blowing through the window here and it is cool and damp - a storm is brewing. I love nights like this. It feels so fresh and clean.

I have a wish for a friend of mine. That wish is that she win the lottery and become rich and powerful. She will buy her dream farm and follow all of her dreams and desires- including opening a shelter for the animals. If anyone deserves this, it is her.

The library called and my copy of Marley and Me came in so I picked that up tonight and am going to go now and start reading. Karen says it is a great book and will really touch my heart, so I am really excited to start it. I wish I could write like that, and touch people and make them happy.

So not much else to talk about. Maybe next post I will describe my new car. It just spoke to me when I saw it. Oh yeah, and there was a sign there, too. We wanted to check out a Taurus, and when the sales guy went to get the keys he mistakenly picked up the Mustang's keys - just as I noticed it as it beckoned to me. And once I saw it, I couldn't get it out of my mind. And when Chip drove it home for me Monday night, he rolled down the window and said "you are going to LOVE this car!" And I do.

And I love all of you, too. Blessings.

Tagged!

2007-04-22T07:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, Raka tagged me so here it goes...

7 things that i want to do in this lifetime

1. go to a beach
2. write
3. meet Ron Perlman
4. act
5. ride a mechanical bull
6. walk on fire
7. make a difference

7 things I can do

1. ride a horse
2. spell
3. burp
4. find things
5. put all sense of pride aside ( see #3)
6. dream
7. love

7 things I can't do

1. juggle
2. chin ups
3. navigate
4. wait
5. tolerate evil people
6. climb
7. the splits

7 things that attract me to other people

1. honesty
2. intelligence
3. humor
4. empathy
5. sense of fun and adventure
6. capability
7. kindness

7 things I say most often

1. crappity dappity do
2. Ruh Ro Raggie
3. Awww crap
4. shit
5. Bull F**K
6. I love you
7. Cool!

7 people I want to take up this tag

this is hard- I don't know 7 people and Raka had already done it so in my imagination:

1. Karen
2. Ron Perlman
3. Chip
4. Yvonne
5. Pat Paone
6. Ron Waite
7. Sydney

There. Did I do ok?

Mustang Cindy!!

2007-04-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

Oh My God! I am in love. Truly, madly, inexplicably in love. You know how I said that Prudy had now taken over the van so I am looking for a new car? Well... we went to work today to see the Grand Prix, forevermore to be referred to as the "Grand Pee". Yup, it smells like someone took a giant piss inside. So forget that one. I was not that into it in the first place, it just didn't have that spark. So on the way home we stopped at another dealers and I saw it.... my dream car. A green mustang. It was old- a '97. And it was within our price range ( what I want to spend) only problem was it is a stick. But I can be persuaded to learn to drive a stick. But the salesman didn't want to deal with us and only came down 100.00, and that was like an insult to me so we walked away. But I can't stop thinking about it.

Oh, and Bruno. He is our new little calf. Really cute and sweet and a pretty boy - all black and shiny. He has a lot of personality too. He is named in honor of another beautiful soul that touched the heart of a friend of mine, Karen.

I am really excited and wound up! Its 8:00 and I am in a much better mood. Now I know what kind of car I want and I am on a mission. I really need to go and fix us some dinner, but we ate at IHOP for lunch ( a real treat for us) and i'm still stuffed. EEEEEEEEEEEEE, a Mustang!

There is a lot more I want to say, but I think I will wait till tomorrow. Raka tagged me and I have to answer that. And I went walking in the woods today and saw the foxes. And the wind was blowing ever-so-slightly and the creek was burbling and gurgling and the sunlight was shining upon the water and making it all sparkly. Such a beautiful day! My heart is surging with joy. I must be manic depressive, one day stressed and down, the next elated and joyful. Hmmm. And Raka and Karen both commented on my last post. Thanks Guys!! Don't get overwhelmed, Karen, your garden will soon be a masterpiece to behold. I hope you guys had fun last night. And Raka, you will pass all your exams with flying colors. Oh, so much I want to say! But it simply must wait till tomorrow.

Pleasant dreams to all!

Feeling a Little Abused

2007-04-20T17:35:00.000-07:00

Yeah, thats right. Its been one of those weeks. First, its been very busy at work. Second, I have been feeling a little out of control. Third, Prudy has the van now. Uh! I gained a few pounds back and am feeling bloated and listless. I am exhausted- physically and emotionally. The house feels like a disaster ( though in truth it is not that bad). And Prudy's and Mike's only car has now broken down and they desperately needed the van to get to work. So we are loaning them the van until their car gets fixed. I need to clean the house and go to the grocery and get to feeling things are normal. Chip hit the nail on the head when he said he knows why I am bummed out about the van. I have really taken a liking to it. And it is clean. And it is like my little, clean cocoon. I can get in the van and be in a clean place- no manure, or dogs peeing all over the carpet, or dirty shoes. It was my place. I am grieving over my van. And its true. Its like no matter how hard I try, the house just can't stay clean. I love my life, its just that sometimes I would like to be able to keep a spotlessly clean environment. I had one of those weeks like I am ready to just get in the van ( oops-not anymore) and drive. I would go to California and start my life over in a sterile environment, and become a famous actress. But alas, get your head out of your ass Cindy and stop daydreaming. I would never leave here. This is my life and my dream. There are other ways to cope. Remember how excited I was when we had to doctor the sick cows? I thrive on that kind of stuff. And really, the weather had turned again and we are opening the doors and windows and the fresh air is coming in. We can keep Kiki outside most of the time, and I can clean the carpet. It only takes an hour or so to clean the entire house on the weekend. And if I do a little each night when I get home from work, I can keep up. So there have just been some strange circumstances this week that have thrown me a little off, but I will get things back to normal. And I just need to not be so obsessed about it.

Been thinking a lot about friends lately. I am growing very fond of some people, and am afraid of getting hurt. I worry that they will lose interest in me and leave me behind. I don't mean to sound pathetic. I am pretty much a loner and really don't have lots of friends. And with my lifestyle, that works just fine. But there are a couple of special ones that I hope to continue to bond with, and hope that they feel the same.This is an issue I have grappled with many times on this blog, and one that united me with Raka in the first place. Of course Raka is one of the friends I am referring to! You knew that.

So I am looking for another car, so we can give Pru the van. I don't want to be desperate and just get any old thing. I don't want to force it. You all know I believe in fate and that the right car will come along. I must be patient. Same thing with a puppy. It I try to force the issue, it may not be the right time. And I surely want to get the right puppy- the one that's meant for us. I truly hope that it will be Brandy coming back to me. But if she's not ready yet, then that it will be someone she sends to us.

I guess I am feeling a little sorry for myself lately. OH, Poor Poor me! I need a hug :) I need some love. I need a shower. Mason toddled over to me and puked on me tonight when I went to pick up Pru and Syd. Now, as disgusted and mortified as I was, this is my grandson and I cant recoil in horror just because he chukked on me. And it was apple juice and chicken noodle soup, if anyone is interested.

So, I feel as if the entire universe has puked on me today. If anyone cares to send some love my way, it will be much appreciated. And now I am going to shower and relax. I will return tomorrow with some more blog. I have to tell you about our new calf " Bruno".

Lazy Weekend

2007-04-15T08:18:00.000-07:00

What a lazy weekend this has been! The weather has been all gloomy- cold and rainy, so we have pretty much stayed in. Saturday started with a trip to the bank to sign some IRA paperwork, then on to the grocery ( believe it or not). Chip hates shopping, but we went to pick out a few new foods that he thought he would like to try. Really this blood glucose thing is not so bad. His numbers are going down and he says he is feeling much better. Now we just have to lose some weight and get some more exercise. All in all it can be a win/win situation. Eat healthy, lose weight, get fit, get healthy. Then we watched a movie, then had a nap.

Boy, this is going to be a boring post. Probably all of my posts are some degree of boring. When I am writing just for me, its like - hey, whatever. But now that I know people are reading this blog, I feel a bit of an obligation to them to be more interesting and entertaining. It is thrilling to know that someone actually reads what I write and has an opinion on my words. Like I have mentioned before, I have always liked to write but have been too afraid that people wouldn't like what I had to say, so have censored myself, and not pursued that venue too aggressively. Really, this blog is fun for me because I can open up and let my true feelings out. It is a journal, and a record of events and thoughts that I would like to remember. For instance, things that happen at work. On very busy days when I feel overwhelmed, I can revisit these pages and be reminded of the many days that were mind-numbingly boring. It helps me to know that I have made accomplishments, and can do those things again.

I am a big believer in "signs" and have touched on that subject many times here. Someone recently reminded me of some of the more pivotal moments that I had written about - the dimes, the lady in the grocery, the old golden. You cannot argue the fact. These are absolutely signs that someone is out there watching over us. I am not necessarily speaking on religious terms, although that is a wonderful way to view it. It is really just however you want to think of it. I truly believe that our loved ones who have passed on are out there still , haven't forgotten us.

I remember how I was searching for my purpose. Still am, really. But I am much more content with just being who I am now. As we grow older and mature, we realize that our dreams are sometimes just that. While I have always dreamed of being an actress, I know that there is a very slim chance of that happening. Oh, and to meet Ron Perlman. Well, that may happen yet someday, but then what? Sometimes the fun is in the pursuit of your dreams, not the attainment. But as I have realized, and noted in this blog, the Universe may have a different idea for me, a much better plan. Some things that are possible : to write, to help the animals, to be an advocate for the elderly, to teach. But I have to say, I am very happy and content where I am right now and am touching upon all of those things in some ways now. I am fiercely devoted to the animals. I love to show children the farm and teach them about farming and farm life. I am writing this blog. Maybe my life has more purpose than I am giving it credit for :) And I would not give up the life that I already have for anything.

I ran into my old best friend from high school, Carolyn Harmon on Friday. Now theres a lesson for you. I have run into her on occasion and have thought about her often. We were very close friends in school, then really drifted apart and on our last few meetings, Carolyn has seemed uncomfortable around me. Like maybe she really doesn't want to see me at all. Funny, cause I really used to think about her a lot and wish to get back in touch. But after Friday, I have realized that that is a chapter of my life that has closed and is best left that way. Not sure what I did for her to be so uncomfortable around me, but that is her choice. We were such good pals, but that was then - nearly 25 years ago.There are many new chapters of my life now and I can file hers away. Thats just how things are. And Raka, my beloved friend, has been dealing with kind of the same issues. Maybe she can learn through my experiences and feel better for them. There are some people that you just outgrow, no matter how much you enjoyed them in the past. But there are some who remain in your heart forever. Raka is one such person for me. Another is my old friend Ron Waite, whom I had lost contact with 25 years ago as well. Never met- just penpals ( on real paper, through the mail). I think about him often and hope that he is well and happy.

So that is my reminiscing. I am waiting for Raka to come online for our chat, but have to go here soon to help Chip pull down hay from the hayloft. Little cow had a bull calf this morning and he seems to be in good shape. And I am making "healthy" chili tonight for dinner. Last night I watched ProLife again with the directors commentary, so that was entertaining. And today I ordered the second season of Beauty and the Beast. So my Ron Perlman collection continues to grow. Hows this for a dream fantasy: to meet Ron Perlman and get to do a movie with him on a beach? That would wrap up a lot of my dreams at once.

May all of your dreams come true.

Happy Birthday Ron Perlman

2007-04-13T16:09:00.000-07:00

Today is Ron's birthday and I hope he is really enjoying it.Ron has brought so much entertainment to his fans lives, and he deserves the very best in life. Perhaps this weekend I will be able to squeeze in a little Ron-a-thon in his honor :) Oh yeah! I'm crazy.

Today at work Eric came in and said I had a bunch of antifreeze under my van, so I got it in service and now we have a new water pump. Oh boy. And Harry invited us to share his donuts again ( he buys them every Friday) so I told Karen that I thought we should do something for him. She agreed. So I bought a card and we all signed it for him. He seemed really pleased about it and I hope it made him feel good. He's such a nice guy.

And I ran into Carolyn, my old friend from high school, at the card shop when I was picking up the card. Now, is that wierd?? Another sign? Seems like there are all kinds of signs going on. Well, I try to be a good person and do good things for others, and lately things have been a little rough for me, so maybe things are looking up again. Nothing as bad as last year, of course. I am so much more centered and happy now.

Even if the weather is bad this weekend, I would like to go for a walk. I think I am gaining some of those pounds back, and need to get them off pronto. Oh well. I can't wait for the great weather to come back and the flowers to start to bloom again. Just have to vacuum and do some other housekeeping and stuff, so then I can relax and enjoy the weekend. After this week, I need a break. It really wasn't all that bad, but stressful enough to get to me a little. Thank God I have Raka, Karen and the girls at work to talk to. And Chip. They really make me feel better. I am really looking forward to chatting with Raka Sunday. I feel like getting my chores done, and then being lazy all weekend. It's supposed to snow again!

I think I am going to look through the diabetes books we got from the library and make up a menu and grocery list. That way I will be all organized and able to get some great healthy meals on the table for Chip. So, I really should quit rambling and get some stuff done so I can relax this weekend.

Love to all and Happy Birthday Ronnie!

Under Pressure

2007-04-12T17:30:00.000-07:00

Quite a day it has been today. What with fighting with the doctors office to get my billing papers filled out correctly and all the other stressors in my world. Mom and Dad need to get moving and sell their house. Prudy and Mike need a van and a house. The animals are so demanding and needy. The weather sucks. Need I say more? I feel as if I am spinning out of control at times. One good thing... my friends at work. They are being really sweet and supportive. And of course Chip is on my side. I told Karen today that I feel like just getting in the car and driving and not looking back. Aughhhhh! But this too shall pass. The weather will change and we will be able to go out and walk the place and dig in the earth. That will certainly calm my soul. Nothing is better than walking in the woods, amongst the cows, alone with nature.There, I am in my element. It is just me and nature- the wind, grass and trees. Alone with my thoughts. The pureness of it all lightens my heart, and soon I will be back to normal.

Still struggling with the puppy thing, but Karen is helping me through it. She understands exactly how I feel. It is amazing. I felt bad today because I had absolutely nothing to do and Karen was swamped, and I really couldn't help her. Then when she did get some work that I could help her with, Kathy asked me to do a project. The only thing I hate more than having too much to do is having nothing to do.

Been thinking a lot about Raka lately. I miss our daily e-mails, but our weekly live chats are really fun. And we keep up with each others lives through our blogs. Strangely, Chip and I were talking about getting a small daybed for the office and if we do that then there would be a place for Raka to stay if she came to visit. Wouldn't that be great? I think it is so amazing that we have become so close, and yet are thousands of miles away, and from different cultures and generations. We can learn so much from one another. And I feel so protective of her, my little sister, my friend. I desire only the best for her in life. A wonderful education, terrific relationships, fantastic adventures. I thank God every day that I had the courage to put a comment on her blog that day, and that she answered it. It is hard to believe that I actually reached out and took that chance, considering my shyness and the scars of the past.But I am so glad I did, because in Raka I have found a true soul mate.

I have another idea for a book! I will have to write it down in my notebook. Now if only I can find some time to write. Karen has given me some great material to work with. And I kind of think that if I could ask any two people for their opinions, that Karen and Raka would be the ones I want to share my work with. Its like this blog. It is so personal, but I am putting it out there for anyone to read. When I write, I am terrified that people will not enjoy my work, will ridicule me. But my writing is really for myself, and anyone who happens upon it and enjoys it is just a bonus. I would love to write my stories and try to get them published, but lack the confidence to get them out there. Ah, well. Just like everything else, if it is meant to be, it will be.I think I have been pushing myself too much lately, and need to just sit back and relax and let things come to me.

Tomorrow is Ron Perlman's birthday. Happy Birthday Ron!! I wish you health, happiness and much success in the coming year. May you be surrounded by friends and loved ones and have all the things you desire.

I am looking at a picture of Brandy laying in the back yard. It is a polaroid, and the way the sun was shining, the grass looks all golden - the same color as her. Ah, my golden girl in fields of gold.Someday, old friend, someday....

will my heart ever heal?
Will I ever be able to love another?
not in the same way, ever
but in some other?

will you send me a sign?
let me know you're allright
show me that our special bond
still holds us tight

but you go ahead
go along on your journey
follow your path
but dont ever forget me

we'll meet again somewhere, someday
of this, I'm sure and bold
and together we will run again
upon the fields of gold

To all my new friends, and the special old ones. God bless you all.

A Week From Hell

2007-04-08T08:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, maybe that is a little too dramatic, but really it was quite the stressful and eventful week. First of all, Monday was my first end-of-month by myself. Well, all the week before I had prepared - got all the extra little stuff done and all my deals completed. Then I sat and sat on Friday looking for work, and nothing. So the weekend was wonderful. 80 degrees, breezy sunny and absolutely beautiful and EVERYONE decided it was the day to get a new car! So I get in and there are lots of deals and they were all funky. Nothing was easy and straightforward. There were trades and payoffs and credit life and all kinds of crap. So Kathy helped me and costed two or three deals for me and then she posted them all for me, which freed me up to do the other stuff like the inventories and stuff. I stayed until 8:00, so I put in over 12 hours without a break. We ate lunch in and Kathy bought dinner since we were staying. And the next day I tidied up all the loose ends and that was that. All in all it was not too very bad. They all said I did a great job and Sally suggested they get me a t-shirt that said "I survived the March Month End". So a note to remember: it was hard and I had to work late, but it was not that hard. There were some extra things that I didn't have to do that Kathy did, but every month I will get better and faster and it will become more routine and I will be able to get more done faster and with less stress. So There!! And the rest of the week I sat like an idiot with my thumb up my butt looking for stuff to do because we sold NO cars at all. So I helped Karen do some things and got some files in order and stuff like that. I really need to continue to refer to these notes when I start to feel overwhelmed about work. I will get better and faster and more confident and all.

So a couple of late nights and the two of the cows decided to get sick. Both Hannah and Ring-eye got really sick and we decided it was grass tetany. They had a lot of the symptoms and I was pretty sure that it was that. What it is is a deficiency of magnesium in their systems due to nursing calves and the new fresh spring grass. The new grass has not had a chance to build up its mag content and the cows were depleting their systems too drastically. We got a couple of tubes of mag gel in them but the next day they were still no better. So I called the vet to be sure we were right and he said he thought we were and to keep giving them the mag gel but to do it orally. So we went down and gave them another dose. Well, Hannah was fairly sweet and didn't put up too much of a fuss and went into the headgate and I decided to check her throat to be sure there were no obstructions. I put my hand in there ( dumb move Cindy) and she tossed her head and my hand got caught between her back teeth and she chomped down and ground my hand hard. I thought it was possibly broken but I was lucky. She just broke the skin and really bruised my joints. Lesson learned. Then Ring-eye decided she wanted to kill me and she charged me and kept ramming at me. So Chip thought he could go in and sweet talk her and she plowed into him and sent him flying. Thank God we were not hurt. So I became the bait ( she hates me more than Chip and besides I am smaller and faster) and I teased her into chasing me into the chute. It took a while but she finally got mad enough to run me all the way in and we caught her in the headgate and gave her her meds.

This continued through the rest of the week and yesterday I discovered that if I got a halter on her, she gave up and let me pull her into the chute. So we did that. Last night, she went down in the chute and we couldn't get her up and we figured that she was probably going to expire there and we'd have to get the tractor and pull her out. But right when we said that, she got herself up and walked off into the pasture. So she is out loose now but Hannah is still in a stall in the barn. But Hannah seems to be responding well to her meds and will probably be ok. We walked out this morning to look for Ring thinking she would be dead, and there she was, her usual nasty bitchy self walking aroung the rest of the herd. So maybe she will get better too.

I dyed my hair for the first time ever today ! Karen and Yvonne took me out and picked out a color for me, and I got brave enough to try it today. Not bad. Just a darker version of what I used to be when I was younger.

Last weekend I was feeling really blue about Brandy and a new puppy and was really having a hard time of it. On Monday Karen asked me if I had decided I really did want a puppy and I told her about how I felt and she said we could talk about it after Month End was done. So Tuesday she was asking me all kinds of questions about Brandy and while it made me sad, it also made me feel a lot better too. It is so nice to have a new friend like Karen, who has the same feelings that I do. We have lots of fun talking about the dogs and the farm.

Speaking of friends, I missed talking with Raka last week. We got to talk on Saturday, but on Sunday she was visiting someone and couldn't talk. And today I have to go take care of cows, so I don't now that we will get together today either. But if you read this, Raka, I am thinking about you and can't wait to talk with you!

Haven't had much time to think about Ron Perlman this week. I have been absolutely exhausted from work and chasing crazy cows around. Not to mention getting beat up by those crazy cows and I am so sore I can hardly move. Ron's birthday is Friday, and I didn't send him a card this year. He probably gets so many anyway. I would like to send him something special, something memorable so he would say " hey, that's really nice!" but since he doesn't answer his mail, I would never know if he got it anyway. I guess I would just like to know that I was able to touch his heart a little bit , like he touches ours.

So I have rambled on quite long today and am getting a bit of a headache. Going to go take some aspirin and wash up the breakfast dishes, and spruce up the rest of the house so I can take it easy the rest of the day. Oh, by the way, HAPPY EASTER!!

Super Granny!!

2007-04-01T09:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Mike, Prudy and the kids came over and we got to spend some quality time together.First, it was such a dreary day and Chip and I were exhausted so we weren't really looking forward to company. But when they got there the whole day brightened up. Sydney got to ride Shadow for a few minutes and we played on the gravel pile, which Sydney loved tremendously. She would climb up it and then find an interesting ( and sometimes undignified) way to run down it, and I had to follow her exactly. What a hoot! They were all laughing at us. The funniest way was running down while kicking your butt and flapping your arms. Ok, but you try that on a pile of gravel! I am quite dexterous, if you ask me. And how many other grandmas do you know of who would do that? Then we played dress up again with items out of my "special" drawer. Yes, I really do have a pair of bunny ears.

And we talked about the puppy thing again. I am so confused. I guess the best thing is not to push it and wait. When the time is right the puppy will come. I am just battling with this whole Brandy thing. I want to fill that hole in my heart with another golden, but nothing will ever replace Brandy. So I don't know if I feel guilty about getting a puppy or not. No one will ever take her place, and she will always be a part of my soul. I guess I really need to just sit back and let her come to me when she is ready.

Its a beautiful day and we saw a turkey in the back yard this morning. I hope she has a nest somewhere close and will be hatching some chicks soon. That would be neat to have some wild turkeys here again. I think I am going to take a hike in the woods and look for some antlers and stuff. The house cleaning can wait till later.

Saturday

2007-03-31T07:03:00.000-07:00

Today is a little chilly and looks like it is going to rain. Prudy and the kids are coming over later this afternoon so I have to spruce up the house a bit for company. I just feel very lazy today and don't have much energy or drive to do anything. But must get over that, 'cause the carpet needs a good cleaning. Last Saturday I spent hours on my hands and knees washing the kitchen floor. How I love a nice clean house! Thing is, it only stays clean for , like, 30 seconds. Then its like a bomb went off. The dogs shed, the cats bring in all manner of little animals ( or parts of them) that they have captured, and I'm pretty sure there is a skunk trying to move in on the patio. So I must get off my bottom and get to work.

Today is the end of the month for work. So Monday I will possibly have to kick butt. But I have been preparing all week and I will just see how it goes. I was so bad yesterday ... Harry got donuts and I had a chocolate custard filled one and TWO Mountain Dew's. Then Chip met me for brunch and we had the breakfast bar at Frisch's. I feel all fat and bloated. Must work it off this weekend.

Got a packet of clippings of Ron Perlman from e-bay. Some things I didn't have, so that was exciting. And I finally ordered the bookshelf. I came Wednesday and I put it together and now I have to fill it and arrange everything. I am waiting till I feel more inclined to do it.

Karen has been on me now to get a new puppy since Chip mentioned he was thinking about surprising me with one for my birthday. I really do want one so badly, but don't want one either. I don't know. I am so confused. I think it is best to just not push it and let whatever is meant to be happen. When the time is right, the puppy will find me. I don't need to go looking.

Actually, I feel a little down today for some reason. Must be the dreary weather after having so many beautiful days this week. I am sure that a good house cleaning will remedy that. And there is the dvd of Beauty and the Beast to watch if all else fails. And when Syd gets here I will be kept quite busy, I'm sure.

Had a dream about Ron Perlman the other day. It was really neat. They were filming a movie on the farm and I got to meet him and became his friend. Just exactly what I dream about in my waking hours. My hero. Besides Chip, I mean.

Well, I best get to cleaning. And planting some seeds maybe.

Things I Love

2007-03-25T07:38:00.001-07:00

Feeling very content and grateful at the moment. The weather is wonderful! A beautiful spring day. The window in the office is open, with the sun shining in and the breeze blowing the curtains lightly. The birds are singing their praises to the, it is a cacophony of songs. I can hear the electric fence clicking - " click, click, click" rythmically, and the cows are all laying in the new, lush green grass right outside my window. ( well, 20 feet from it anyway). There is that uplifted feeling one gets on days like this- the promise of fresh, new life. Ahhhhh.

So here are some things that I love and am grateful for:

Chip
Raka, my new friend and confidant
My other friends and family
Ron Perlman
Pat Paone ( who brings Ron to us through her fantastic website, The Perlman Pages)
The Farm
All Creatures Great and Small
A job well done
Good Books
Warm sun, cool breezes, singing birds
baby animals
planting gardens, and tending them lovingly
nice surprises
acts of kindness
works of art
art in work
learning and realizing it as a learning experience
accomplishments

And on and on I could go. What a difference from last year. I'm Back, baby!

One day at a time, I will keep up with the house and gardens. I will try to throw away at least one piece of junk each week. ( I hate clutter and the shed out back is falling down and its time to start getting rid of the old stuff that has collected there over the years, like old mowers and equipment that no longer work).

But it is such a beautiful day, and as much as I enjoy blogging, I am being called to go out and dig in the earth for a while. I hope everyone who reads this is having as wonderful a day.

Quiet Week

2007-03-23T17:27:00.000-07:00

It was a really quiet week at work this week. Stephanie and Kathy were on vacation and Pete only freaked out once, on Monday. Actually he has been really nice to me. He asked me to get some information about how sales tax is computed in other states and I researched it and pulled up some stuff and he seemed to like it. Phew!! I think he was impressed. We didn't sell too much all week, then today, bam! the deals were flying out the door. Wouldn't you know it. But I am not worried. I can do a deal in about 20 minutes now, not too shabby. So, just like this week, next week I will have all week to get caught up, even though its the end of the month. I am not really too concerned. I feel much more confident now. Like I said before, remember this when I am busy and know that I CAN do it, and do it well, too.

Missed my chat with Raka on Sunday, but was so glad I got to talk to her on Saturday. She is like a wonderful drug that I can't get enough of. I feel so happy and good after talking with her. I hope she will be able to get with me this weekend. Every day I think about her and wonder what she is up to. Does she think about me? , is she happy?, is she visiting friends or Samik? It is so much fun to have a friend in another country.

Picked up my copy of Masters Of Horror Pro Life yesterday!! Can't wait to see it. And it sounds like season 2 of Beauty and the Beast will be out in July. Wheee. More Ron Perlman. And I just ordered some clippings off of EBAY. It is just that I have been getting home late each night and by the time I get in, fix dinner, and clean up, I am ready for a shower and bed. So I haven't had a lot of time to watch movies, or check out the net.

The other day we were discussing dogs and I said that I didn't know if we should get a new dog, or go dogless for a while after Whitey and Kiki leave us. Chip informed me that he was very seriously considering getting me a Golden Retriever puppy for my birthday. I about melted! So we talked about it just a bit and then I let it drop. If he wants to get me a puppy, then I am all for it , but if we decide not to, that's ok too. I am just not sure how I feel. Part of me wants so badly to hold a little ball of fluff again. But part of me keeps thinking about Brandy and feeling a little guilty about a new puppy. I know it would never take her place, she was my once in a lifetime dog. And is it ok to give my heart to another? She will always be the special one in my heart, and I know she would not mind me loving another dog, but still... What would you do?

I think I will stop right there and go get a shower. Tomorrow is a new day, and I hope to get the house spotless and then relax a bit. Maybe watch some Ron Perlman...

Night all!

Just Stuff

2007-03-18T08:17:00.000-07:00

Isn't this something? I have actually been able to blog three days in a row. Not that anything of much interest has happened since the last update, but here I am anyway :) Got to see the new baby for the first time and he is really nice. A big bull calf with a funky blaze in his face. Its more like a star with writing on it, really wierd. Kind of like Brodies "W". I miss Brodie. I wonder what he is up to now. It is really neat when an animal becomes a friend. You know, I was talking to Raka about dreams yesterday, and some of them I have given up on, but so many have come true for me. I am living the life that I have always wanted, on a farm with nature all around me. Sure its hard at times. Lots of physical work, dirt, heat drought, snow, ice, flooding, mud, poop...but it is an honor to be granted guardian of this little patch of earth and the creatures we share it with. The foxes have moved back in under the henhouse (yes, really) and should soon be having their kits. I need to cover the well with some chicken wire so they don't fall in there. Last year three of them fell in and drowned. So sad. So this year I will try to keep them safe. It is so much fun to watch the babies frolic around the barnyard, just like puppies.

I am going out later to walk the fence. Deer must have run through it and knocked it down so I'll have to get it back up before the cows start going out and grazing. Hopefully the grass will be growing soon.

Need to get Brandy's garden going soon as it gets warm enough. I have to find some really pretty pink flowers and bushes for her.

I don't want to think too much about all of the things that I would like to do this Spring, because I don't really have a lot of time to create lush gardens and a paradise around the house. I will just take things one small project at a time and keep up that way. My routine is to keep up on the stuff that is already here ( housekeeping, plants etc) and slowly add new projects a little at a time. Chip commented that I have become a "house girl" recently and I have to agree. I need to come home from work and go outside and walk each evening when it gets warm enough, instead of sitting down and reading or watching tv. Working takes up so much of the day, but if I keep up with my chores, I can add a little "me time" to the mix and enjoy my gardening and other projects. Small steps. Last year I didn't feel like gardening, but this year I am getting the bug to get started and have already planted a few zinnias and forget me nots in some pots on the patio. It is still too early for veggies and stuff, but I already have the seeds so maybe I can use my heated seed starter and get a few going for early planting. Can't wait to get some fresh homegrown tomatoes and peppers. And we have plenty of manure for fertilizer.

Have been diligently studying for my Notary test. That is another thing I will acomplish here soon. If I look inside my life, I may not have become some famous author or actor or politician or businesswoman, but I have experienced a lot of things that make me special in my own right. And I can become a writer, maybe not published, but the things I write in my notebook and blog belong to me, and I can fantasize and act out dreams with my grandgirl Sydney, thats being an actress. So there.

So my goals are to keep up with my chores and allow myself some time every day to relax and commune with nature and exercise. I'll let you know how that works out.

Raka and Me

2007-03-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

Yay! I just got to chat with Raka today. What a great surprise. I just thought I would sign on for a quick check of my e-mail ( and Ron Perlman on Ebay) and surprise! Raka was there. I was hoping she had replied to my mail, and she did me one better. So we had a nice long chat. I had really been missing her quite a bit. She is quite a good writer, very talented. And I get so much enjoyment out of speaking with her, and reading her work. Like all of us, she has choices to make about her future - her hopes and dreams. But she has lots of time to make the right decisions. I hope that all of her dreams come true. She was very supportive of my dream today when I shared it with her. It gives me hope that maybe I will accomplish that dream someday. I have accomplished a lot in my life already, maybe not the things that other people would be impressed by, but I am proud of them.

Funny, I am getting ready to go out and feed the animals. It is cold and windy again, not at all like last weekend when it was so pretty out. So we are going to do our bidness and then come in and take hot showers and watch a movie. Yay again!! I love those kind of days, all snuggly and cozy together.

Raka said she has never ridden a horse but wants to. Now I just have to get her here to Ohio and show her the bliss that is riding. And maybe when we get rich and famous, I can travel to India to visit her. I bet she would really like to ride Shadow. I think he would get along well with her. More dreams to dream!

I spent the morning cleaning and the house is all clean and nice so I can relax this weekend and enjoy myself. I think we are going out for dinner tonight, or at least picking something up from somewhere.

Raka, dear, if you read this I want you to know how much you mean to me and how important you are. You are a wonderful, talented and beautiful person.

And now I must go attend to business.

See ya!

A Good Week

2007-03-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

This week was not bad by most standards. The first part of the week the weather was positively balmy and we were able to open the windows and the patio door and let the fresh air in. The pond thawed out and I discovered that at least one of the fish survived the freeze. Soon the grass will begin to grow and with that the flowers and trees will start to bloom. The bucks should be losing their antlers soon too, so maybe I will find a nice one this year. That is another thing that I remember finding that seemed like a sign from above. I was walking in the pasture and something made me focus my attention on a tree and a white object caught my eye and I walked over and found a huge antler. I mean, something told me to look over there. And when Nix was born, something told me to go walking through the woods ( not my normal path to the barn) and there he was, abandoned and starving. Had I not gone the opposite of the way I normally did, he would have perished and no one would have known any better. So I am really looking forward to the Spring and nice weather. And the cows now are more self sufficient. As soon as the grass begins to grow we can start taking some nights off from the farm.
I also got the two bull calves banded on Sunday, so we had no bulls left, and then of course Katie went and had a bull calf on Wednesday night. But they are both well and he is a really pretty calf.

Work is going well. It was my first week on my own, with Yvonne in her new job in the service department across the building from me. I only had a few questions for her, and Monday and Tuesday were not so daunting as I was afraid. I got all caught up and had some extra time to clean up some schedules and do some extra things. I hope that I will be efficient enough for the end of the month tasks. But I am sure that Yvonne will help me out if I have any questions. Sally said some mean things to Karen ( sweet Karen) and so the next time she said something mean I stood up for Karen. That did the trick and Sally has been very nice to me since, and Karen too I think. I have to be careful cause I feel like I may be gaining some weight back, since there is always some kind of goody in the office. Today was donughts, cup cakes and cookies for St Patricks day. I only had one donught and nothing else so I was good. But I am losing weight and feeling so good that I don't want to gain any. I have been looking damn good in my jeans ( and out of them ) . Lets keep it that way.

Raka and I mailed each other. She was pretty perturbed that I said I was afraid she had lost interest in me. Truly, I have faith in our friendship and know that she is not that kind of person, nor am I. No matter how busy we may get, I believe that we are always in each others hearts and thoughts. I wish we lived close by and could get together and hang out, but alas, we are half a world apart. It really amazes me that we came upon each other. I just happened upon her blog and was sucked in entirely with her beautiful words and thoughts. She seemed so much like...ME! And when I took a chance and commented to her, she answered and we became friends. I do not take his lightly, you know. It is another of those events that I believe was meant to be. All of the best things in my life have happened by chance. Meeting Chip, Getting Brandy, so many others.

The book I am reading had begun to get pretty intense and technical. Deepak Chopra has gone into the physics aspect of the afterlife and matter and energy. Very deep stuff. I am fascinated by physics and especially metaphysics, even though the theorys are so far above my comprehension. But anyone who reads this blog knows that I am this way.

Getting late and I am getting a sore back from hunching over the keyboard. Pro Life comes out on Tuesday and I am going to pick up a copy as soon as I can. I hope there are some good extras with Ron Perlman in them. There were some interviews with Ron on the internet this week too.

So all in all not a bad week. Lots of Ron, Good days at work, a loving husband, and a beautiful and beloved friend named Raka.

Love to all...

Ramblings

2007-03-11T09:25:00.000-07:00

Strange, I sit all day thinking of all of these brilliant things to say in my blog, and then when I actually get here my mind goes blank. I should write these things down. Watched The Sixth Sense on tv last night and this was the first time I saw it in its entirety. It reminded me of the dream I had about Brandy. Yes, I totally believe that she was communicating with me that night. Now, some people do not share those beliefs, and that is perfectly fine with me. We are all entitled to our opinions, and mine happens to be that there is something for us "after". Maybe I am totally wrong. But what exactly does it hurt for me to feel this way? More importantly, Who does it hurt? No one. I find great comfort in my feelings and beliefs, and the wonder and beauty of it all is that I have an open mind and embrace all kinds of new thoughts and ideas. I believe in soul mates. I believe in karma. People have done some very heinous things to me in the recent past, and I have only just come to forgive them. I realize that it was a learning experience for me and that I have grown because of it. Perhaps I was paying off some past karma of my own. I hate to think that I have intentionally caused hurt and pain to someone else. But anyway, I am striving for enlightenment. There are a lot of things I still need to work on:

My need for approval
indeciveness
lack of self confidence in certain situations
self critical - give yourself some credit!
too empathetic sometimes
gullible - need to be more cynical sometimes
obsessive
need to become less concerned with the opinions of others and be myself
dont take things so seriously and personally
stress less about things - put too much importance on things that don't deserve the thought

Well, I could go on and on, but I am not that masochistic. At least I want to improve myself :)

And with that, I believe I am going to go and vacuum the carpet.

The Week In Review

2007-03-10T10:28:00.000-08:00

We create our own reality. How true this is. The book I am reading by Deepak Chopra is extremely interesting and entertaining. I find myself reading the same paragraphs over and over and finding new meaning each time. It is one of those books that you have a hard time getting through because there is so much to absorb, and you stop and think to yourself what the message is that you are receiving from each sentence. He is stating some ideas that I had not thought of before, about peoples perceptions of heaven and hell and the afterlife. We experience whatever it is that we expect to experience.

And that takes me to my next subject- work. Again I was anxious to get to work on Monday and get caught up from the weekend, only to discover that there was no work on my desk. They don't start to turn in the deals from the weekend until later Monday afternoon, when the approvals come from the banks. So why get all worked up on Sunday night, worried about a pile of work that doesn't exist? Yes, the beginning of the week is usually busy from the weekend sales and stuff, but as the week goes on, the work slows down. So really, I have the whole week to get caught up and start over again. And besides, I am getting better and faster and more confident in my work, so that speeds things up quite a bit. Thursday Yvonne took the day off and there were some new things in the deals that I had not experienced yet. I felt overwhelmed and in tears at one point. I told the girls, "girls, I am going to freak out here." and they gave me lots of support and Karen kept saying " if you cry, you'll pee your pants" which just made me laugh. Anyway, after I calmed down and worked on it, I found the task to be quite easy. And Friday Yvonne took off as well, and the day went swimmingly. I got a lot done, about six deals and some extra stuff too. So, I CAN do this. And like I have said before, I don't need to stress out about this. I have pleanty of time throughout the week to get everything done. Remember this, Cin. You create your own reality.

We bought a van last Friday. It was a trade in and they put a lot of money into it to get it in top shape. We got a great deal on it. So now I am looking more like a soccer mom in my bright purple mini van. I miss my truck ( we kept it of course, but I have driven the van all week to work) but the savings in gas are astronomical. I filled the van up on Saturday, to take it home. It cost 42.00 to fill it up and I have driven it all week and have only used a little more than a half tank. Conversely, the truck would have taken 100.00 or more. So now I am driving the "grapemobile"as Chip calls it.

Spring is right around the corner. Yesterday was around 60 degrees and when I got home I opened the windows and doors to air out the house a bit. Being trapped in the closed up house all winter with two elderly and very gassy dogs has been torturous! When it gets warm enough, I will get out the carpet cleaner and really clean the family room carpet.

Ron Perlman: He is set to do a couple more movies, I Sell the Dead and Standing Down. Then he starts on Hellboy II !!!!! Can't wait to see that on the big screen. He was at the premiere of 300 and did a video interview, which for some reason I can't get the entire thing downloaded. Pro Life should be released soon and of course I have to get that. I picked up Scooby Doo- Wheres My Mummy on Thursday as a little gift for myself. But Ron has so much new stuff going on that my collection just keeps growing. I lent Hellboy, and The Trial of Old Drum to Karen so she could experience the awesomeness that is Ron Perlman.

So that's about all I have to say for now. It was raining today and we are still in the house, which is fine with me. I am a little tired and sleepy and would like nothing better than to curl up with my book and read a while, and maybe watch some Beauty and the Beast, which I have yet to view. And cookies. And tea. Rum and coke?? It all sounds so good. I also need to study for my notary. Usually I love to study, but lately I have been burned out from learning new things.

The pond is beginning to thaw, and I know that the fish didn't survive the winter. Shame. The winter started out so mild and nice that I didn't bring them in from outside. But the pond froze quick when we got all those ice storms. Sorry guys. I will clean out the pond this Spring and get it ready for a new crop of fishies.

Rake mailed me!! I was so worried about her since we didn't get to have our Sunday chat and I hadn't heard from her all week. I was really afraid that I had done something to offend her, or that she had decided that I was a nut case or something :) But lo and behold, she mailed me and I feel so much better. I really enjoy my friends at work, who I see every day and are really funny and sweet. But I connect with Raka on a level that I cannot explain. We are continents apart, but it is the same sky we peer up at each evening. It is the same Sun that shines on us all.

Funny how I have changed my outlook over the past few months. I have given up on some old dreams, but will never forget them. My soul feels more still, as if it is content for now. I will never become an actress. I will never work with Ron Perlman. I may never become a published writer. But fantasies are not a bad thing. It is just that my world has become full of reality now. And the reality that I have created is good.